Wham!

Wham!  And just like that I'm sobbing uncontrollably.  In the moment I'm gripped with grief and I don't know how I can possibly go on.  The tears and total sadness envelope me.  I want a miracle, like those you see on TV, where he'll appear to me one last time or I'll feel his touch.  But neither come and my head aches from the crying and I'm convinced my heart is broken.  People die from a broken heart, don't they?  And I now understand how.  I talk out loud through the crying but no one answers.  And although I want to just fall into a deep sleep and never awaken, I know that is selfish and my thoughts turn to Dan and I could never do that to him.  And I am thankful that I have him in my life for he is my sole reason for living.  How sad that it; and how unfair that is to him for he should not have to carry the burden of my survival.  But it is the only lifeline I have right now.  Yes, I have many friends and family and I appreciate them all, but it is different.

Eventually, thankfully, sleep overtakes me.  I awake later with a balled up kleenex clenched in my fist and I acknowledge the fist.  It represents my tense, fierce grief.   And I relax my hand and go back to sleep.

I know when I talk like this Dan worries and I'm sure others do as well.  But when feelings like this hit, I honestly cannot imagine going on.  But I do.  Because that is what is expected of me.  God gave me this life and only God will decide when it will end.  I do not fear when this time will come because I know Ed is waiting for me.  But I also know I need to be here for Dan.  Because it is not those that die that suffer, it is those we leave behind.  And I would not wish this grief on Dan.  He's lost his father and he cannot lose me.  For although I know he is strong and losing a parent is different than losing a spouse, I want to protect him from this level of grief for as long as possible.

I know there is a reason I am on this earth.  And if I truly focus and am honest, I know I've had a blessed life.  I had a wonderful marriage and we built a beautiful home and had Dan--our greatest blessing in the world.  And so I wouldn't trade these 50 years of my life for anything.

I just don't understand though how the grief can sneak up on me.  There was nothing to trigger it.  It's like it was waiting for me as I climbed into bed last night.  Maybe I should have just gotten up and gone and did something else.  But I'm told the tears help to cleanse the body.  Do I feel better than when I went to bed.  Yes.  But do I feel cleanse.  Not really.  The ache in my heart is still there.  But I will go on because when I go on, Ed lives on.  And if I pick my head up in the light of day, I know I blessed by the family that surrounds me, by the friends that care, and it doesn't seem as dark...