Happy Sunday

Yes, you read that title correctly and I'm sure it got your attention!   I realize I tend to post when my emotions are strongest and that is typically when I'm upset and feeling down.  So this morning I thought I'd capture the fact that "it's a good morning!"

I woke rested and enjoyed a nice Keurig cup of Starbucks coffee (I splurged...Starbucks K-cups are a bit more expensive, but it's a treat to myself).  The night had a cool breeze with a light raining falling and I slept well.  And this morning is quiet--just the chirping of the birds.  Some email and text exchanges with friends started my day with a smile--a nice way to start any day!

I have another long list of things I want to get done today (nothing new there...I always have a list going).  But I'm inspired because I've already crossed several things off my list before 9 AM!


It's a gray morning...the sky is clouded over but even this does not have me down.  As I stood at the kitchen sink and looked up to the sky, I still saw brightness and felt...well, happy.  Happy to have such good friends that make me smile just by texting me.  Happy that I was moving through my list of "to do's".

Don't get me wrong...I still miss Ed.  But I have a lightness this morning, a positive energy...  and I'm going to run with it as long as it will last.  That could be 5 mins or 5 hours.  You never know.  And that is why I'm capturing this moment and this feeling.

As I removed the laundry from the washer this morning, I found a dime in the washer.  Now some believe dimes are a sign from a loved one who passed.  I tend to be more practical and instead wracked my brain to remember if I had picked up a dime at some point and put it in the pocket of the pants that were in the wash.  I don't remember doing that, but I must have.  Or maybe it is a sign from a loved one?  Either way, I've tucked that shiny dime in my pocket this morning.  If I leave it there, maybe it will show up again at the bottom of the washer and help make my day a bright one.  It wouldn't have magically appeared as a sign from a loved one; just me forgetting I left it in the pocket.  Either way, though, the end result is the same...

I hope you all have some happiness in your day and lightness to your step today!  Happy Sunday!!

Another September and Melancholy Feelings

For whatever reason, the arrival of September has once again been difficult.  I'm not quite sure why and as some of my closest wid friends point out, there doesn't have to be a reason, it just is.

I had two wonderful and relaxing weeks of vacation at the beach.  Some people ask if two weeks was too much?  I tell them "nope".  It was so nice not to be on any timetable or constantly have a "to do" list.  The weather was sunny and hot--in fact some days way too hot--so a lot of time was spent on the beach or in the water.  I brought several books with me to read...I think I read a total of 100 pages.  Most time was spent just doing nothing....watching the waves go in and out, soaking in the sunshine on my face, chatting with family and friends, walking along the shore without any destination.  Mornings were relaxing, enjoying a cup of coffee at a leisurely pace.  Evenings were spent playing cards, walking on the beach, spending time with friends.

But that is why it is called a "vacation"...it is not reality.  So soon I was back to reality--doing laundry, mowing, paying bills, and getting back to work.  And feelings of restlessness returned as well and tears would fill my eyes and sadness would fill my heart at unexpected moments.

September does cause me to be melancholy.  It was always one of my favorite times of year.  Approaching birthday celebrations for me and Ed, fall fairs (Belchertown and the Big E!), pumpkin picking and corn mazes, and the changing of the season with cooler nights and looking forward to fall foliage.  Now it's just another reminder that life is continuing on and the seasons change and time marches forward.  The happy times of fall are now replaced with birthdays spent alone, the burden of cleaning up fallen leaves, and preparing for what might be another dreaded harsh winter.  I'm guessing since September is also post-vacation, this time of year is also now a reminder of returning to the reality of my life and it makes me question and fear what my life is and will be.

But as I write this post and capture the feelings of the past week, I am happy to report that this weekend has been a good one.  Part of that is because Dan is home which always makes me happy (the sadness only comes when he leaves again).  But for today, I'm appreciating the bright blue sky and shining sun.  The crispness of the cool morning air.  Enjoying a leisurely cup of coffee with no rush to be anywhere.  I'm still lost on this journey, not quite sure where I'm supposed to be heading and what course I'm supposed to be chartering.  But for today, I'll just enjoy and be in the moment.  For those who have experienced such great lost, this is hard to do.  We know life is precious and it can change in a moment, so don't waste a minute is our thinking.  So living in the moment can be difficult.  But for now, I'll try to do that since the unknown future is too daunting and unsettling.

Some pics from vacation...

Me and Dan

Dan and "the girls".  They have so much fun together!

Yes, we do take up a lot of room on the beach.  This entire crew is us.

We did leave the beach once for a private tour by a friend of mine who owns the local chocolate factory--Hauser Chocolatier.  We are all quite fashionable in our hair nets!

Tossed and Turned

I just returned from two wonderful weeks at the beach.  It was extremely hot such that we "had" to go into the water to cool off.  Some days we even had some decent waves.  Now I'm not one who likes really big waves. I have a cautious respect for the ocean.  I've been knocked on my butt before by a wave and it isn't much fun.  So I pay close attention to the waves coming in and make sure they don't crash on me.  If they are too big and unpredictable, you won't catch me in the water either.

On this particular day though the waves seemed manageable.  The problem was that I clearly misjudged one.  I tried to jump over a wave but it was too strong and breaking too fast and it tossed me in the churning water.  As I tumbled, in the foamy, salty water, I felt for the ocean floor so I could figure out which way was up.  And I was able to stop myself from being totally carried into shore by the force of the wave.

As I righted myself and stood up, I was a bit shaken but surprisingly not full of fear.  I went back out to join the rest of the group as if nothing happened.  I laughed it off.  And I stayed out in the water and continued to watch the waves and be more careful about my judgment.  I dove under those that were close to breaking on me.  I floated over other waves allowing the water to lift me.

As I stood there though, I did recognize that I was indeed a bit shaken.  The previous calm and carefree attitude I had beforehand was no longer there.  It eventually returned, but it took some time.  Time for me to relax.  Time for me to breath.

And during this time, it came to me how this tossing and turning in the ocean was a good analogy
of my life.  There are moments, days, time when I'm floating along, enjoying the ride and sunshine and laughter with friends and family.  I try to make good judgments about what is approaching me, watching cautiously for the "wave" that may come crashing down on me.  But just as swift as these ocean waves are, I can sometimes misjudge and I am surprised when I am suddenly knocked off my feet, turned on my head, and my inner core is shaken.  I can plaster a smile on my face while deep down inside, my insides are still churning just as they were on this day in the ocean.

Are these feelings attributed to "grief" or are they just now my everyday feelings?  Some wonder how I can still be grieving after almost 2 1/2 years.  But just as the tide continues to ebb and flow and waves are always present, day in and day out, without ceasing, I believe grief remains, always with me.  And just like the ocean waves, I can't always judge when I can simply float along and rise above it or, instead, when it will knock me down and cause me to be tossed and turned.  I just hope that when I am tossed and turned, I can find my footing and be able to stand upright again.  And if I'm truly lucky, I can find that smile again as well...