Sunday, November 27, 2016

Happy Thanksgiving

I'm sorry I haven't written although I wonder if there's any reason to continue this blog. It was started when Ed was first diagnosed almost exactly 7 years ago. This blog enabled me to keep you posted on his health. When we reached what would be the final month of his life, it allowed me to keep you all posted on a daily basis, and then to share with you as I walked through the valley of grief.

Three and a half years after Ed's passing, I am clearly not as good about posting. My life has become rather boring and there's not much to tell. On one hand, this means no major drama, which I've learned is a good thing.  There are still days when grief visits and the pain of my loss and the loss of a future that will never be brings tears to my eyes.  There are also days of laughter and, dare I say, "joy" when I share and appreciate the company of family and special friends.

So as I sit here in my warm home on this Sunday after Thanksgiving, I ponder whether to close this blog. If you have strong feelings one way or another, please comment (anonymously is fine). Maybe, if I know someone is out there, I'll be better about posting more frequently.  "Maybe"....because sometimes life just gets busy and I've learned that somethings just need to give.

But for today, I'm here. There is frost on the ground outside. Winter is coming and once again, I find myself preparing the house and the yard.  The lawn is clear of all the leaves which makes me proud and I hope Ed is looking down and proud that I'm taking care of everything. The patio furniture and lawn ornaments are all put away for the winter. There is a quiet as the squirrels run across the yard, birds gather at the recently put out bird feeders, and Dan is sleeping upstairs. The house is still filled with the smells of the homemade chicken soup I made last night for dinner.

The past couple months, since I last wrote, have had its ups and downs. There have been some low points with grief, stress, or disappointment. But there were also high points...successes with struggles or warmth and laughter with friends or family. So I guess my life is not much different than anyone elses. What I realize, though, for me, is that what I miss in all these lows and highs is someone to share them with. Someone to comfort and hold me during the lows and someone to celebrate and share the highs. Someone to simply share the moment in time with. 

But this morning, as I enjoy the warmth of a cup of coffee, in the warmth and quiet of my home, I continue the thoughts of Thanksgiving and remember to be grateful for all I have and all I had. Below is the Thanksgiving prayer I shared on Thanksgiving Day with my family.  It's long (and those of you who know me well, can laugh about that), but I think it sums things up nicely.  Happy Thanksgiving!

Let us pray.

Dear Lord,

In the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, it is easy to be so busy that we only focus on the negatives in our lives.

The stress of having too much to do, the stress of our jobs or of not having a job, our physical and emotional aches and pains, dwelling on what we don’t have, the loss of our loved ones, and how life seems unfair.

We all know too well the pain of illness, the pain of loss, the sadness with whatever life is currently dealing us. To allow the daily stresses to make us angry, impatient, overwhelmed…

Mom always says “Life is Good” and there are many days when each one of us, even Mom, can find that hard to believe and we struggle often to recognize the “good” in our lives.

So today, on this day set aside to give thanks to God for our many blessings, let us instead focus on all that is “good” in our lives.

We thank you for each one of us around this table, for we are family.  That even when we disagree or don’t see eye-to-eye, we still love each other and know we can count on each other always. We thank you that we can all be together on this Thanksgiving Day since we know there are many families that cannot be.

We thank you for those of us who have our health and for those with health struggles, that they are well enough to be with us today and are reminded that each day is a gift to be cherished.

Although we miss Dad, Mike, and Ed more than words can express and we at times resent that they have been taken from us too early, let us be thankful for the time we did have with them and the gifts each one of them gave us and the memories we will cherish for a lifetime. We have experienced loss and therefore we are reminded to appreciate each day with our loved ones.

We are also thankful for the close friends each one of us has and the importance they have in our lives.  Let us be thankful for them and not take them for granted.

We are thankful that we all have a roof over our head, warmth in our homes, and food on our table.

This food today was prepared with love and each one of us is here today because we are family and we love each other in spite of our differences.

For being together, for sharing this meal, and for the ability to recognize that each day is a gift from God and therefore is a “good day”, we thank you Lord.


Wednesday, September 28, 2016

The Days are Cooler

The days are cooler.
The leaves are turning.
Memories of our time together.
Going to fairs, picking pumpkins.
I miss you terribly at this time of year.
Our birthdays.
Time continuing to tick away.
I miss your companionship.
I miss knowing there is someone who is always there for me
To share with me
To care for me
To love me

What is the purpose of my life?
I never wondered that "before".
Instead I just lived it,
enjoyed it, loved it
Loved you.

As the leaves fall,
my strength falls
Like the bears, I want to go and hiberate
To shut out the world
Sleep gives me reprieve
Reprieve from what has become my so called life

Will I ever find joy again
Will I ever truly be happy again
I try each day to remember how "lucky" I am
And I do have goodness in my life

But I am alone
There is no one who truly loves me
There is no one who cares for me
There is no one to share with
There is no one who truly has my back

And as birthdays approach,
I'm reminded I'm growing older...
without you...
My fourth birthday without you
Without you making my day special
Without you making me feel special

I'm getting older
I'm getting tired
Tired of pretending
Tired of always being the "cheerful" one
To make others feel better

And damn those who don't appreciate what they have
And damn those who don't have "time" for me
And damn those who think everything is just fine
and expect me to learn to just suck it up and appreciate what I have

Easy for them...they have their husbands
They have their families
They have their happy homes
They have someone to go home to...

I never knew it would be so hard
I never knew I'd miss you so much
I want you back
I'm tired

It's fall,
the days are getting shorter
and I welcome the darkness