Saturday, April 4, 2015

Treadmill of Life

That's what it feels like.  Day in and day out.  Same thing every day.  Work, home, responsibilities.  The treadmill doesn't seem to stop.  On one hand I should be thankful. It keeps going.  On the other, I would like to try to break up the monotony.  But as hard as I try, I can't.   I even made plans last week to have a "fun" day.  To take an entire day and go away with friends and have fun and that did not come to fruition.  So even when I try, I can't get off this stupid treadmill.

Some days I wonder if this is now my life.  Nothing to look forward to.  Nothing planned.  But somehow my calendar is full, but more with responsibilities.  Oh how I just want to get away.  Go somewhere where I can relax and laugh and not pay attention to everything I need to be doing or should be doing.

But as much as I say that, I also know I am a little obsessed with getting things done that are on my list.  Part of me is annoyed because "my list" lately consists only of the routine, every day things that must get done--laundry, housecleaning, paying bills, etc.  I want to start making progress on some larger projects around the house, but there never seems to be enough time to do that.  I just need more time in my day.  There are times when I wish I didn't work so much (but I can't afford to quit my job) and there are times when I wish I could just take a couple months off to try to get ahead (but again not realistic).  I want to spend more time with my friends.  I want to do more fun things.  Just how do I make that happen?  I can't seem to get off this treadmill which has become my life.

I realize part of this is my own fault because I would consider myself a responsible person.  I put first the things I "should" do and that is not necessarily always what I might "want" to do.  And I know that this is a good quality because I want to be considered reliable and dependable and to be there for others.  As an adult, we have responsibilities and sometimes we need to just suck it up and deal.  And we never know if tomorrow will come and so being there for others who are counting on you is important and I guess as much as I may tire, I would never change that.

I just wish I had more time.  But the treadmill just keeps going, and I keep plodding along.  I'm just not making any forward progress...

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Good Sunday Morning

Sometimes you just have to capture the moment.

I usually find myself posting when I'm having a tough day.  The emotions are more raw and I find posting on this blog therapeutic.  This morning, though, I am posting while I'm feeling good and I thought to myself "let's capture this moment for a change."

So here I am on a Sunday morning, having slept in, now enjoying a nice cup of Starbucks coffee from the Keurig.  I love that Keurig...something that I thought was a splurge but Ed liked the idea of flavored coffee in the morning and so he bought it and we both enjoyed it together for over a year.  Yes, morning coffee was a bit more expensive than our regular pot of drip coffee, but sometimes in life, it's the simple pleasures.  And I tend to be more frugal but Ed taught me that you do need to splurge once in a while to treat ourselves.

I love mornings like today when I can start the day at a slower pace with no where to rush off to.  I sit at the kitchen table, reading the paper, and the sun pours in through the sliders.  The sky is a clear blue; not a cloud in sight.  The start to a beautiful day.  Yes, it is windy and cold out but I'm warm and happy in my home...the home that Ed and I built together...full of warmth, full of memories, full of love.  And I feel comforted and happy.

I spent the day yesterday with my mother and we had a good day.  Time just seems to fly by.  She's doing so well to regain her independence.  My time with her was less about taking care of her, but rather doing chores around the house (things that she is not yet able to do herself) and spending time with her.  She taught me about investments, we tried to fix the Netbook computer (but gave up), and then I cooked dinner and we enjoyed sharing a meal together.  I am so thankful that she is doing better every day and I remember to be thankful for each day we have together.

I also have some great friends that I've made on my widow journey.  As much as I wish I was never part of this group, these friends have been my life line.  Yes, there are times I wish I didn't need these friends and we all get it when we say to each other that we wish we had never met.  But each one of them, in different ways, brings happiness and joy to my life and I'm thankful for that.  Some days it makes me sad because the only friend I really want is Ed.  But as I said, today is good day, and my friends make me smile and bring happiness to my life.

So I'm off to continue my day and I pray it continues to go well.  I'm going to finish my coffee, do chores around the house while the Holyoke St. Patrick's Day parade is on the TV in the background and try to maintain this mood.

I hope you have a good day as well!

Below are some pictures that make me smile...

My Orchid from Dan.  I got it to bloom again!!  So pretty and so proud of myself!!

Mom's dog Shaina is now home with her and the two of them are so happy to be reunited!!
Shaina is such a good dog!

Love my new candle shade from my sister Marion.  And the green is perfect for St. Patty's Day!!

When you celebrate Christmas a month before Easter, then you can have an Easter Tree!
This is Mom's Christmas tree with plastic eggs on it!  Merry Easter!!!