Saturday, December 24, 2016

Christmas Eve Morning

It's Christmas Eve Morning. It's still slightly dark out so the candles in the window are still lit. It's quiet and peaceful. Dan sleeps upstairs. If he wasn't, I'm sure there would be much more noise in the house this early in the morning.

Soon I will be baking a pumpkin pie. Not that my family typically has pumpkin pie on Christmas, but there's a young boy who's a neighbor of my mother who has befriended her and comes over to her house daily to help her. He's a sweet and generous kid....and since pumpkin pie is his favorite dessert, we'll have pumpkin pie tomorrow for him!

My list (because anyone who knows me knows I always have a list) is short for today. The final food prep for tonight and tomorrow and final touches on some food-related gifts. And I'll do some more laundry and housecleaning (minor stuff).

The shopping and wrapping and decorating is done. I've been baking and now I have more than I know what to do with. The house is in reasonable shape.  I think I'm all set which is a good thing since tonight is Christmas Eve!

I did better this year. Last year the grief monster visited me before Thanksgiving and didn't leave until after the new year. This year he must be visiting someone else and hasn't stopped by yet. This doesn't mean I don't miss Ed. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him, but this year is different...I'm in the Christmas spirit. So I will enjoy it as long as it lasts.

Hallmark movies or Christmas music are playing constantly. I've done baking and decorating. Lights are on timers so they are on to greet me each evening when I arrive home. It all makes me smile.

Today is a good day. Tonight will be Mass and then to my nieces to spend Christmas Eve with the in-laws. Then tomorrow will be at my mother's with my family.  Tradition...  And it's all good.

Merry Christmas All!

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Two Weeks Til Christmas

Two weeks until Christmas and I have to say I don't like this time of year, which is sad.  Instead of enjoying the sights and sounds of the holiday, like many others, I am faced with the stress of trying to get everything done. Never mind the routine tasks of day-to-day living like laundry and bills and maintaining a house, but now there is the added pressure of shopping, wrapping, decorating, and all the other wonderful things associated with this time of year.

I keep trying to simplify but here I am two weeks before Christmas with a long list of shopping that still needs to be done. The Christmas decorations are on the back porch so they are one step closer to actually getting into the house. I need to shop for others but have no idea of what to get them.

Of course everything seems much more difficult carrying the burden myself. Which makes me laugh because I do recall many evenings when I was up late baking or wrapping and Ed would simply sit in his recliner and watch TV! I would get so frustrated that he could be so calm and relaxed and I was totally stressed out. And it's not like Ed didn't do anything.  He took care of the tree and did a lot of shopping and certainly helped wrap.  I need him now to help me stay relaxed.

I used to love Christmas and now all I want to do is go away, escape all of this and come back when it's all over. That's a sad statement but I'm not quite sure how to change this.

And just like that my outlook on life changes. I can blame it on the holidays. I can blame it on the fact that it was exactly 7 years ago that Ed was officially diagnosed with cancer...our first meeting with Dr. Bowers on Dec 9th 2009.  I can blame it on the fact that instead of shopping and baking and sharing the joys of the season with Ed, I'm instead putting a new cemetery log on his grave, a cemetery log that I lovingly arranged myself for him.  I would normally share a picture here of the cemetery log, but I guess I neglected to take one...blame it on widow brain!

I suppose I should stop wallowing in my grief and go be productive for time is wasting away. There's only 2 weeks until Christmas and I have way too much still to do.  May you enjoy the holiday season. I'm hoping to do so once this is all over...