Sunday, March 22, 2015

Good Sunday Morning

Sometimes you just have to capture the moment.

I usually find myself posting when I'm having a tough day.  The emotions are more raw and I find posting on this blog therapeutic.  This morning, though, I am posting while I'm feeling good and I thought to myself "let's capture this moment for a change."

So here I am on a Sunday morning, having slept in, now enjoying a nice cup of Starbucks coffee from the Keurig.  I love that Keurig...something that I thought was a splurge but Ed liked the idea of flavored coffee in the morning and so he bought it and we both enjoyed it together for over a year.  Yes, morning coffee was a bit more expensive than our regular pot of drip coffee, but sometimes in life, it's the simple pleasures.  And I tend to be more frugal but Ed taught me that you do need to splurge once in a while to treat ourselves.

I love mornings like today when I can start the day at a slower pace with no where to rush off to.  I sit at the kitchen table, reading the paper, and the sun pours in through the sliders.  The sky is a clear blue; not a cloud in sight.  The start to a beautiful day.  Yes, it is windy and cold out but I'm warm and happy in my home...the home that Ed and I built together...full of warmth, full of memories, full of love.  And I feel comforted and happy.

I spent the day yesterday with my mother and we had a good day.  Time just seems to fly by.  She's doing so well to regain her independence.  My time with her was less about taking care of her, but rather doing chores around the house (things that she is not yet able to do herself) and spending time with her.  She taught me about investments, we tried to fix the Netbook computer (but gave up), and then I cooked dinner and we enjoyed sharing a meal together.  I am so thankful that she is doing better every day and I remember to be thankful for each day we have together.

I also have some great friends that I've made on my widow journey.  As much as I wish I was never part of this group, these friends have been my life line.  Yes, there are times I wish I didn't need these friends and we all get it when we say to each other that we wish we had never met.  But each one of them, in different ways, brings happiness and joy to my life and I'm thankful for that.  Some days it makes me sad because the only friend I really want is Ed.  But as I said, today is good day, and my friends make me smile and bring happiness to my life.

So I'm off to continue my day and I pray it continues to go well.  I'm going to finish my coffee, do chores around the house while the Holyoke St. Patrick's Day parade is on the TV in the background and try to maintain this mood.

I hope you have a good day as well!

Below are some pictures that make me smile...

My Orchid from Dan.  I got it to bloom again!!  So pretty and so proud of myself!!

Mom's dog Shaina is now home with her and the two of them are so happy to be reunited!!
Shaina is such a good dog!

Love my new candle shade from my sister Marion.  And the green is perfect for St. Patty's Day!!

When you celebrate Christmas a month before Easter, then you can have an Easter Tree!
This is Mom's Christmas tree with plastic eggs on it!  Merry Easter!!!




Saturday, March 14, 2015

Grayness

I sit here wondering what to post.  I would like to post a message full of happiness and hope and glee.  But it's been a hard winter and as I look out the window, it is rainy and gray this morning and so my thoughts are "gray" as well.

The "grayness" of life just seems to surround me lately.  Part of it is because of the hard winter.  We all faced it.  The snow and cold was unrelenting.  And as I type this I realize I'm referring to the winter in past tense--evidence that I'm quite confident it is now behind us and spring will come.

My mother's illness also added to the "grayness" of this winter.  It has been a very difficult 3+ months.  Obviously most difficult for her as she was on the brink of death.  Yes, I said it and admit it, but she knows.  I am grateful that she fought to get out of the ICU and I'm grateful that she has made tremendous improvement over the past month and she continues to get stronger every day.  A month ago, I wasn't so sure.  Yes, she was no longer at death's door, but I truly wondered if she would ever become semi-independent.  But she's a fighter and although her body has been weak, her will and fight and determination is amazing.  She continues to be an example for me.  She lost my father over 25 years ago and she has marched on.  And this should give me the drive and determination to follow in her footsteps.  Some days it does.  Other days I'm just reminded that I don't want that.  I don't want to be strong and independent and determined.  I want Ed back.

But that won't happen and I can either wallow in my misery or continue to pull myself out of bed every morning and face the day.  I so long for the simpler days of my life.  But that all changed two years ago.  Two years ago on March 10th, Michael passed suddenly and death came to our door and remained until it took Ed and then Larry.  Two years later, the pain is still there and raw and I fight now to move through the valley of death once again reliving those moments and emotions.  The grayness of my life...

But it is not blackness.  The gray will turn bright...maybe not today but maybe tomorrow.  The sun will rise and the warmth and blue sky will greet me and I will recognize the joy and blessings in my life.  The family and friends I have, especially the new friends I have met through our common grief.  They are most precious to me.  So today is a gray day, but life is busy and things must get done and time marches on.

The sun will come out tomorrow...