Sunday, February 7, 2016

Superbowl Sunday

The sun is shining this morning and the sky is a crisp, clear blue without a cloud in sight.
The sun reflects brightly off the snow that fell two days ago.
I sit here in my warm house, slowly enjoying a warm cup of coffee.
It is silent.  The only noise in the house is the clicking of the heater.
There is no noise outside.  The snow provides a blanket of quiet.

And I am content.  For the moment.
For I know how quickly this can change.
The quietness will turn into loneliness which will just remind me of my loss.
But for now, I will be content.

I have set out for 2016 to be the year about "me".  I know that can sound selfish.  But after almost three years, I'm trying to figure out what makes me feel better, more restful, more peaceful, more content.  I'm not quite sure about "happy" yet.  I'm learning to recognize the glass half full, but it does not come easy.  Oh how I miss the girl from three years ago.  How joyful and innocent I was.

Today is Superbowl Sunday.  Do I care about football?  Not really.  But Ed loved it and watched it every week so it was always on. For me, the Superbowl was about Ed cooking a pot of chili on the stove and various food for the game.  I still recall the ribs he'd slowly cook--yum, one of my favorites and he knew it.

So today I will have a meal cooking, no ribs, but a low-calorie crock pot meal, and I'll watch the game to see the commercials and halftime show.  If I'm lucky, I'll share comments via text with close friends.

I will enjoy being home in my warm house.
Where the silence will be replaced by the noise of the TV.
Where the smells of dinner will fill the air.
Where texting with friends will be my company.  They won't replace Ed, but they will help fill the void.
And for that, I'm grateful.
It should be a good day.
And I will be content...

Saturday, January 23, 2016


Today I finished cleaning out the dresser drawers in the bedroom.  I wasn't planning on it.  I had some gifts I needed to put away from Christmas that were still sitting out.  So as I tried to make room, I found myself organizing and sorting through my drawers.  I sorted through the "sock" drawer which contains half my socks and half of some of Ed's socks that I held onto.  You know, those Hanes-type socks that I could wear while working in the yard and not worry about ruining.  I had sorted through them in the first year.  Today I sorted again and purged more still keeping an adequate supply for those dirty, summer jobs.

There were three drawers of Ed's t-shirts that have been left untouched.  I wore some of these shirts.  Mostly as "work" shirts.  Shirts I didn't mind ruining or getting dirty while at the same time finding comfort in wearing what were his clothes.

As I rearranged my clothes and realized I could benefit from using those three drawers, I began the sorting process.  Three piles--a pile of shirts I would keep as my "work" shirts or to lounge around the house; a pile of shirts I have no need for; and a pile of shirts that reminded me specifically of Ed.

The dresser drawers are now well organized.  I have a bag of clothes to donate and I still have one drawer of "Ed's shirts".  The closets still need work.  Mine needs to be organized badly and, at some point, I do need to continue cleaning out Ed's closet.  It's about two-thirds done.  What I've learned though is that you can't rush it.  I will get to the rest of his closet when it feels right.  There is no planning, it just seems to happen and so I will go with that.  Thankfully, I'm in no rush and can take my time, just like today.

The one remaining drawer of Ed's shirts that I was not able to part with today.  Special memories...