Monday, September 5, 2016

Seasons Change

Thankfully the heat wave has broken. The evenings and mornings are now cool requiring a light sweatshirt. A sure sign that fall is arriving without needing to look at the calendar. Looking at the calendar though I see it's already September 5th. How can we already be 5 days into September?

Time continues to tick away way too quickly. I wanted to fill the long summer days with all kinds of adventures. Although as I look back, I spent time mourning the loss of a dear friend. There was the shock and grief of his passing. But then there was the impact that loss had both in terms of church-related activities and in rebuilding relationships with church-related friends where we'd become lax in making time for each other.

I am grateful that I was also able to spent time away at the beach with family and friends. A true escape from the daily grind. I can sit for hours just watching the waves on the shore, soaking in the sunshine on my face. Yes, there were still lonely moments, even when surrounded by many people. I am more attuned to the people around me--the young, innocent families with children, large family groups, and couples enjoying the day. It seems everyone walking on the beach is a couple. I see them laughing and am glad they are enjoying each other. I'm sure that's what it used to look like when Ed was here. Our happy family or the two of us walking on the beach together. I walk alone now and the tears still come but less frequently. But the ocean still brings me peace and I feel at home there.

But summer is over and fall is starting to make its appearance. My 4th summer, my 4th fall without Ed. I have always loved the fall--fall fairs, foliage, our birthdays. These are now replaced with a struggle to keep up with leaf raking and preparing the house for winter. There is less time for fairs and also no one to go with. Sure I could ask friends, but it is not the same.

Time marches on. Seasons change. I'm working hard at living life even when I don't want to. And I have been blessed with rekindling some old friendships and making some new ones these past few months. I am still blessed by having the most thoughtful and caring son who is my reason to keep plugging along each day. I know to be thankful for all the gifts in my life and I truly am. I just miss Ed so damn much it hurts and I still struggle to navigate this new life of mine and there are some days that I just don't like it and want to give up.  Maybe someday it will get easier; or maybe not.  Only time, and the changing of seasons, will tell...

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Professional Help

I sit here this morning and wait...  Am I waiting for something spectacular?  something special?  I guess it depends what your definition is of these terms.  No, I'm waiting for Minuteman Pest Control to arrive.

They are coming because I have wasps. You may recall that last year at this time I was stung by a wasp. They had created a nest under my front deck and when I went to water my plants, that was when I was stung. So this year, I've been more attentive, listening for that buzzing sound and watching for swarms.  And that is how I noticed them past Wednesday.  Long story, short...I can't get close enough to locate their nest because one seems to be under the leaf guard in the gutter above the front door and the other appears to be behind the front steps which you can't get to without crawling under the deck.  So I am calling in the pros.

So far I've made it to late July without a bat getting in the house. This is monumental to me because for the last four years, a bat has gotten into the house in July.  They don't roast in the house, but consistently one inadvertently ends up inside and the battle ensues. This year, I had Dan remove the shutters on the south side of the house (where they typically hang out for a few days on their way through) and I've taped up around all the air conditioners and fireplaces (so yes, if you come to my house, you'll see blue tape around these things...looks odd, but it makes me feel better).  So far, so good so I hope I haven't just jinxed it!

But you did not come here to read about my wildlife antics, but if you did, I could tell you about the black bear, skunk, and woodchunk.  No, instead, I will tell you that I'm continuing to plug along day to day.  Time passes so quickly and I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.  I keep myself busy with work and seeing family and friends.  The unexpected passing of Fr. Vern reminds us once again to make time for those you care about and make it a priority to see them.  But I also know myself and that I have to find that balance and not over commit myself because I also need that time at home, not only to take care of the house and chores, but to renew myself.

Last night I got together with friends from church.  A small group that used to get together with Fr. Vern and others who have also since passed on.  And it's been too long since we all got together.  Life gets busy, time ticks on. But with his passing, Fr. Vern reminded us that we've allowed too much time to pass and so I'm glad we made the effort to get together last night and we toasted Fr. Vern and each other.

So I'm still learning, three years later. The relationship that Ed and I had, that filled my days and filled many years is now being replaced by relationships with various friends and they've all become important aspects of my life.  Dan continues to be my anchor and rock. He knows me best and is that voice of reason and continues to take care of his Mom.

And I still miss Ed. Some days, it's a simple "good morning" or "good night" as I begin or end my day and then I'm distracted for the rest of the day with whatever is happening in my life.  Other days, such as when I'm battling wasps, I break down because he is not here to deal with this and take care of me.  But I can't change it.  He's not coming back and he's not here to take care of me or Dan or this house.  So I need to step up to the plate and figure out how to deal with this myself.  Some days I'm strong and will tackle the issue at hand and feel proud of myself.  Other days, I give in and need to call in the professionals to help.  Like today...

Below are some pics of things I've been up to over the past month.  Still learning to live life.

Dan and I hiked to the Summit House on Skinner Mountain in mid-June.  My second official hike!

So proud of myself climbing up this rocky ledge!  Getting ready to do Mt. Monadnock in October.

When I can, I'll walk at the Quabbin Reservoir. A beautiful and peaceful place.

Quabbin, Enfield Overlook

On July 16th, Dan and I attended Leanne and Grover's wedding. Ed worked with Grover for over 20 years.

Campus Pond on UMass.  Another nice place to walk and to play Pokemon Go!