Monday, November 10, 2014

Perspective

Note to self....don't update the blog when you're having a meltdown!

I finished the leaf cleanup before it got dark.  I did not get everything done that I wanted yesterday and so I have more work to do today.  Hopefully I'll be productive without getting frustrated and crying.  But for now, the darn leaves are cleaned up.  I do expect one more round of cleanup before winter since there are still some leaves on the oak trees but I hope it's not as bad as yesterday.  I easily made 10 trips dragging a tarp full of leaves down into the woods yesterday.  The leaves were so deep and overwhelming and I just lost it (obviously).

Last night, though, and this morning, I do look out and am happy with how everything is cleaned up.

Perspective...it's an amazing thing!

BEFORE: Doesn't look so bad in this picture, but the piles are deep.

BEFORE: Side yard....no pictures of the other side and back yard.

AFTER: I feel so much better now.

AFTER

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Tears and Leaves and Anger

It can be so overwhelming at times.  I try to be strong...to show the world, and myself, that I can do it all.  I can hold down a full-time job, maintain friendships, and take care of the house and yard.  But today it got the better of me.  The leaves in the yard are too deep.  I couldn't stay on top of them during the week due to work.  And now they are too deep to pickup with the mower.  Thankfully I have a leaf blower and so I can blow them into piles.  But they are deep.  And as I fill the tarp, at least for the fifth time, I get angry.

Angry that all the neighbors leaves seem to have collected in my yard.  Angry that I am left to do this all alone.  Angry that no one is here to help me.  Angry that others can spend their weekends and relax and do "fun" things but I am left to spend my weekends doing yard work.  Angry that no one offers to help.  Angry that others simply suggest "hire someone", like it's that simple.  Angry that I need to use my vacation time at work so that I can clean up these damn leaves.  Angry that Ed left me alone to deal with all of this.

And the anger causes the tears to flow.  And then I get angry at my weakness.  I should be thankful that I have my health and am physically able to do this yard work.  And I should be thankful that I have a job that provides me with paid vacation time.  And I should be thankful that I have that damn leaf blower and mower to help make the job easier.

But I am weak today.  And the physical labor and emotional heaviness wear me down.  So today I'm angry.  And I will use that anger to help keep pushing forward.  Because there are leaves to pickup and storm windows to put up and soon the sun will set and I will run out of daylight.  And if I don't finish my work, then I will only get more angry which just means more tears.

A vicious cycle...