Happy Thanksgiving

Oh, I have been so neglectful at writing.  It's on my "to do" list but it ends up being the one thing I never seem to get to.  So this morning, this Thanksgiving morning, I will pause and take a moment to write.  Of course, this morning is a good day to write.  For Thanksgiving is a good time to stop and appreciate all we have to be thankful for.

As I sit here, in my warm house and I look out the window at the snow covered trees, there is a peace.  We will spend time with family today and I'm thankful for all of them, even when we get on each others nerves.  For even though we can annoy each other, we know, as we learned last year, that we can always count on each other and we'll always have each others back.  I know not all families are like that and so I recognize how lucky I am.

Since I last wrote, there have been both "good" and "bad" moments; "highs" and "lows" in my days.  I'm still trying to find that balance between being wonder woman and maintaining my sanity.  Between proving to the world that I can do it all--work full-time, maintain the house and yard, maintain relationships, volunteer, maintain a busy schedule, and keep a smile on my face--and wanting to crawl under my covers and shut out the entire world and be left alone.  What I've recently realized is that I need to find a balance somewhere in between.  To figure out what I want, what feels right to me, and not what everyone expects.  That is new to me.  To be a bit more selfish.

There are still moments when grief sneaks up on me when I'm not looking and it can still bring me to tears.  I still miss Ed more than I can express in words.  And I suppose this will never change.  What I'm also realizing is that in addition to just missing him, having him being here, is that I'm missing how he made me feel.  To have someone who was always watching out for me.  Someone who made me feel special.  Someone who loved me and cherished me and, yes, spoiled me.  Life can be lonely now.

So I find now that I devote a good portion of my time in maintaining friendships that I've made over the past year.  At times I think I spread myself too thin and so I'm beginning to figure out which of these relationships are most important to me and give them priority.

And I do, especially on this Thanksgiving, appreciate the good in my life.  For I do have many blessings and I appreciate and celebrate the joyful moments and the successes in my life.  Over the past couple weeks, I've intended to update the blog to share these moments.  But I didn't get to it, so today, I look back and want to share some of these "good" moments.

• The woman in my choir who, for no particular reason, gave me flowers just to cheer me up.  Who is always thinking of me and offering her support.  I truly, truly believe you are an angel on earth.  I cannot think of you without smiling.
• Recognizing that I was able to go to the Holiday Remembrance Service for Ed and remember him lovingly and without ending up in a ball of tears.  I met another woman there who lost her husband 5 months ago (about where I was last year) who commented on how well I seemed to be doing.  I gave her hope that she too will eventually emerge from the depths of grief.  What an eye-opener for me to recognize the change in me in a year.
• Being able to succeed at things around the house.  Although the leaf pickup did bring me to tears at times, I finished the task and before the snow fell.  In fact, I'm proud that I was ready for the first snow--storm windows up, mowers put away, snow blowers out, bird feeders up, driveway markers up. I am got outdoor Christmas decorations out so I wouldn't have to do this in the snow.
• And then silly things like successfully backing the tractor into the shed.  Not necessarily an easy feat backing that up the ramp and through the doorway.  But I did it and I smiled and I would like to think Ed was too.  I felt like wonder woman.

And now I must go outside and cleanup the snow on the driveway and decks.  Ed would have his truck out by now plowing.  I would just get in my car and drive off to Mass and when I got home it would all be done.  I won't make it to Mass this morning and I feel guilty about that.  But this is where I'm learning that I can't do it all and that is okay.  I know there will be people who will be disappointed that I will not be at Mass for the choir is singing and our numbers will already be down.  And I'm sorry that I'm going to disappoint others.  But if I don't cleanup the snow, no one will.  I do not have my husband to do it for me.  So I'm sorry I'll disappoint others.  But sometimes, I'm just one woman.  I'm just human.  I'm not wonder woman.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Perspective

Note to self....don't update the blog when you're having a meltdown!

I finished the leaf cleanup before it got dark.  I did not get everything done that I wanted yesterday and so I have more work to do today.  Hopefully I'll be productive without getting frustrated and crying.  But for now, the darn leaves are cleaned up.  I do expect one more round of cleanup before winter since there are still some leaves on the oak trees but I hope it's not as bad as yesterday.  I easily made 10 trips dragging a tarp full of leaves down into the woods yesterday.  The leaves were so deep and overwhelming and I just lost it (obviously).

Last night, though, and this morning, I do look out and am happy with how everything is cleaned up.

Perspective...it's an amazing thing!

BEFORE: Doesn't look so bad in this picture, but the piles are deep.

BEFORE: Side yard....no pictures of the other side and back yard.

AFTER: I feel so much better now.

AFTER

Tears and Leaves and Anger

It can be so overwhelming at times.  I try to be strong...to show the world, and myself, that I can do it all.  I can hold down a full-time job, maintain friendships, and take care of the house and yard.  But today it got the better of me.  The leaves in the yard are too deep.  I couldn't stay on top of them during the week due to work.  And now they are too deep to pickup with the mower.  Thankfully I have a leaf blower and so I can blow them into piles.  But they are deep.  And as I fill the tarp, at least for the fifth time, I get angry.

Angry that all the neighbors leaves seem to have collected in my yard.  Angry that I am left to do this all alone.  Angry that no one is here to help me.  Angry that others can spend their weekends and relax and do "fun" things but I am left to spend my weekends doing yard work.  Angry that no one offers to help.  Angry that others simply suggest "hire someone", like it's that simple.  Angry that I need to use my vacation time at work so that I can clean up these damn leaves.  Angry that Ed left me alone to deal with all of this.

And the anger causes the tears to flow.  And then I get angry at my weakness.  I should be thankful that I have my health and am physically able to do this yard work.  And I should be thankful that I have a job that provides me with paid vacation time.  And I should be thankful that I have that damn leaf blower and mower to help make the job easier.

But I am weak today.  And the physical labor and emotional heaviness wear me down.  So today I'm angry.  And I will use that anger to help keep pushing forward.  Because there are leaves to pickup and storm windows to put up and soon the sun will set and I will run out of daylight.  And if I don't finish my work, then I will only get more angry which just means more tears.

A vicious cycle...

Deleted

I voted last night, like so many other people.  And as I walked out of the polling place, I was struck by the moments that stab you in the heart that remind you that your loved one has passed.

That's what is so weird about grief.  It's not always some big way in which it hits you, but in so many small ways.  Yesterday, it was noticing how his name was missing from the list of registered voters.  There it was, in black and white...his name had been deleted.  There was my name, there was Dan's name.  But not Ed's.

In the past, we rarely voted together just due to work schedules.  He would go in the morning; I would go in the evening.  And when I went, and the poll worker went to check off my name, I would see his name with it's check mark that he was already there.

But last night, his name was not there.  It didn't make me sad.  It didn't make me cry.  It just was.

And I did not miss the fact that someone passes and we have this system that just takes care of removing their names from the lists of living people.  As I think back, when I needed to update the town census this past year, his name was already removed.  Deleted from many systems.  Marked as "deceased" I'm sure.

But not deleted from my heart or my thoughts or my daily living.  So many names removed from lists and the rest of us are expected to go on.  To keep living.  Which we do and which I did.  I entered the polling booth and make my choices.  And life goes on...