My Story

Lately I find myself moving through the days, being with others, laughing, and living life. Days pass quickly and grief, sadness, and feelings of aloneness are kept at bay. Ed is not always at the forefront of my mind and when that dawned on me, it brought tears to my eyes. I guess it was the "guilt" of living life. I know with everything I believe, Ed would want nothing more for me than to be happy.  And if he's looking down and sees me laughing and enjoying life and opening my heart to others, I know it would make him smile. He would want nothing less for me. So it was surprising when I felt the tears filling my eyes and when I tried to articulate my feelings I defined it as doing a disservice to him. In my mind, I easily put him aside, tucked away as memory of my past life. But it was pointed out to me that I grieved for 5 years and there should be no guilt in learning to live and love again. Funny in an odd way, that I needed to be reminded of that.  I let the words sink in, searching my soul, and seeing if I could actually accept this thought.  My head agrees; my heart is taking longer to accept that.

I talked about "my past", we all have a past, right? Ed was in my past.  But once again I was corrected. It's not my past, it's my story.  Yes, I like that thought very much. My life with Ed is part of my story, a story I hope to continue writing and living. Which surprises me even as I write that. It wasn't so long ago I could barely think of getting through the day and the thought of a future, alone and sad, frightened me.  I now have visions and hope for a happy future...with great friends and maybe, if I'm lucky, with another someone special.

Those 31 years with Ed were a large chapter of my life, of my story.  If I'm blessed, maybe I'll live another 30 years and dare I dream that there could be another chapter?  If I'm so lucky, wouldn't my life story be grand...a large volume of either many chapters, or a couple very large and fulfilling chapters.

My story...I have a story from the past 5 years.  It's where I discovered myself.  The journey was very difficult at times, but I met some of the best people currently in my life.  They guided me through the storm and are the silver linings from these past 5 years. I am now ready to open myself and my heart to the possibility of finding another love in my life. I never expected that I would ever feel this way again, but life is full of surprises.

If I've learned nothing else these past 5 years, it's that life is short so embrace the moments, and live each day to the fullest. And with that, I know I am now ready to begin exploring and writing the next chapter of my story.  Making notes of the journey and hoping that maybe, just maybe, I'll look back in another 5, 10, or even 30 years and see that this next chapter was as large and full of life and love as my chapter with Ed.

Let my story continue....let the next chapter begin...