Feeling Happy; Capture the Moment

So far today has been a good day and so I thought I better capture the moment before it's gone.

Today it warmed up outside and so I spent most of the day outdoors and I so enjoyed it.  Of course, since there's so much snow, there's not much I could do. But I putzed around.  I chopped any ice in the driveway and cut back some of the snowbanks.  I cleared a path to the propane tank and uncovered the hatchway (it was really annoying me that it was buried under 2 feet of snow).  I cleared snow at the bottom of all the down spouts.  It makes me smile to hear the water run down the spout because it means things are melting, including the ice dams and the solid ice that filled the gutters a week ago.  I filled the bird feeders which required walking through 3 feet of snow.  And I put the snow blower in the driveway so the sun would melt the ice build up.  And then I wiped it all down and sprayed it with some WD-40 (yes, Mom, I was listening).  And I even washed the windows in my car.  It's a beautiful day.  I'll soon be heading to 4 PM Mass which will be said for Ed today.  I hope the good feeling remains...

The snow blower sitting in the sunshine so the snow and ice in the auger will melt away!

Enough Snow Already!

I am so happy it's the weekend--what a week!  And it's hard to believe I just had such a nice three-day weekend with Dan.  The rest of the week was not as good.  Like so many people, I am so tired of this snow.  Tuesday I got home from work and decided I would go out and cleanup the several inches snow by quickly using the snow blower.  HA!  That didn't happen.  The snow blower kept stalling out when I tried to engage the auger (side note...how sad that I now even know what an "auger" is...that word was not part of my vocabulary a year ago).  After a little investigation I found there was ice build up.  So I spent who-knows-how-long chipping away at that and then finally was able to clean up the driveway.  I could tell there was still some ice because the snow was not throwing from the chute as far as it usually does, but it was good enough to get the driveway cleared.  I then shoveled off the decks and then I found myself in tears as I was finishing up.  The tears came for no particular reason other than the sheer frustration of the situation!

I kept telling myself I should be proud of the fact that I figured out what was wrong with the snow blower and I fixed it and I got the job done.  But I didn't want to be smart and strong.  I didn't want to even have to deal with this. And, of course, when it's 8 PM and I'm finally getting in after a long day at work and then spending 2 hours fixing the snow blower and cleaning up snow, I know my perspective and ability to reason is totally off.  It was late, I was tired, and so the tears came and I was mad at the world for having to even be in this situation.  I was sick and tired of the snow.  I was sick and tired of needing to figure things out myself.  I was sick and tired of needing to be outside in the cold until 8 PM.  I wanted Ed to take care of this.  I wanted to go back to the days when I would come home and Ed would already have everything cleaned up and he would be in the kitchen with dinner almost ready.  All I had to do was to come home, put on my pjs or sweats, and sit down to enjoy the dinner he prepared.  The most I had to do was dishes.  Oh the wonderful life I lived.

And I know I'm adjusting to the fact that this is not my life any more.  I appreciate how well taken care of I was and I know was blessed for many years.  And on one hand, I want to prove to the world that I'll step up and do what I need to.  But on the other hand, I don't want to be this person.  And my position on this changes day-to-day, moment-by-moment.

Of course, I was almost pushed over the edge again on Wednesday when, surprising to everyone, MORE SNOW fell during the day!  I had plans that night, plans I was looking forward to, but instead when I got home, I once again found myself clearing the driveway.  I got smarter, though, and used my hairdryer to clear up some of the remaining ice in the snow blower before I even tried to use it.  That only took about 15 mins and then the clean up when quickly.  And although I was planning to cleanup the driveway and still go out as planned, there was freezing rain and sleet falling, so I stayed home.  Of course, I then had a nice sheet of ice on the driveway in the morning...but there was no snow!!  And there were no tears that evening either.

But I will tell you I was so relieved there was no snow on Thursday and Friday evening.  I needed a break.  And as much as it upsets me and I'm getting tired, I realize so isn't everyone else.  So my loss of patience and tolerance has less to do with my grief but more to do with the weather.  We're all getting tired of this winter.

And so today, it will warm up and I will make sure my snow blower is all cleaned up and ready for the next storm...because I have confidence, there will be another storm.  And maybe I can deal with it without tears this time.  We'll see.  One thing I've learned is that I can't necessarily predict how I might react to a situation.  Frustration, grief, tears still come unexpectedly but I continue to move on...slowly....one foot in front of the other...day-by-day...

Blessings

It's another beautiful, albeit cold, Sunday morning.  There's a clear blue sky and the sun glistens on the fresh white snow.  As I sit in the warmth of the house, our home, enjoying a warm cup of coffee from our Keurig, I am contented.  The quiet and stillness of the house wrap me in peace this morning, not the emptiness that sometimes occur.  It could be that Dan's presence, upstairs still asleep, helps bring me this level of comfort and peace.  It doesn't matter, because I'll take it.

I look at the pictures I have of Ed in front of my computer, ones I look at every day.  And I'm not quite sure what I'm feeling.  Yes, I still miss him and I have and still feel that hole that is left in my heart.  But I look at him smiling and remember how much we loved and how much we enjoyed life together.  Yes, there's still an ache in my heart that rises to my throat, but no tears this morning.  Just missing him...

Friday night, Valentine's Day, I had a few women wid's over for dinner and a movie.  It is the first time I've ever entertained woman-friends in our home.  Ed was always my best friend and we spent time together or time with family or other couples.  I didn't have a group of "woman friends"... But now I do.  And I'm thankful for them because we're all "widows" (I still hate that word) and we get it.  We laugh together at our antics and the things we struggle with, and we share congratulations at the things we've mastered.  And we cry together as we recall our losses and the basic fact that we have to learn these new things.  We enjoy each other's company and support while at the same time wish we never met.  All-in-all, I am quite proud in how we celebrated Valentine's Day--with dinner and a movie, and valentine's and candy, and cookies and roses.  I am thankful for my new "wid" friends!

I came across Valentine cards Ed had given me.  And I reread them knowing that he had carefully picked them out based on the message they contained.  For Ed was a man of few words.  And although he would tell me often that he loved me, he was not one to try to verbalize the depth of his love.  He did this through his daily actions and through the cards he carefully chose for me.  So I as reread some of them on Friday, it warmed my heart because I know I was deeply loved and he thought the world of me.  How lucky was I!

While cleaning out a file, I also came across a small booklet that Ed had bought that he had given to Dan.  It was entitled "Did I Tell You?" by Elizabeth Knapp.  I remember Ed finding this in a little shop we were browsing in and he had no question that he was buying this for Dan.  Now this was significant because, as parents, any cards we bought Dan were usually ones that I picked out.  But Ed found this booklet and he had to buy it for Dan.  It brought tears to my eyes then as well.  Ed knew then that his time here on Earth was limited and this booklet said what he wanted to share with Dan.  He gave Dan the booklet back then and I'm sure at the time Dan was uncomfortable by the words conveyed and didn't know how to respond.  But it tucked it away as he usually did with these types of gifts.  I gave Dan the booklet again on Friday for Valentine's Day.  I know the words mean so much more to him today.  The expression of Ed's love for Dan to last for a lifetime.

Of course, my best Valentine's Day gift was Dan coming home.  And he brought me two flowering plants--one for home and one for my office.  Have I told you lately how thankful and blessed I am to have such a wonderful son?!  We've been enjoying our time together this weekend doing projects around the house.  We laugh knowing that Ed is either rolling his eyes at us, or shaking his head and going "what are the two of you doing?" and we're probably driving him crazy!

But these moments make me smile.  Just like my cup of warm coffee, the sunny, blue sky, and the bright white snow.  And Dan sleeping upstairs in our loving home.

An excerpt from "Did I Tell You?" by Elizabeth Knapp

Learning About Myself

I was just reading some of my recent posts and it seems I only post when I'm down or struggling and I told myself that I should write once in a while about some of the "good" things or "happy" times.  But as I sit here I realize, these are hard to see.  I find that I am functioning and moving through life.  Yes, there are what one would consider good moments and there are things that make me smile.  But overall happiness and the ability to say "yesterday was a 'good' day" still alludes me.

Yes, I find comfort and happiness in the sunny, blue sky that greeted me yesterday and today.  It is a beautiful day outside with the sun and snow (even though it is cold).  And I know I am blessed by the friends I've made and the friends and family who show their care for me.  I guess the fact that I can recognize these things means that I'm learning to adjust to this new life of mine.

I am thankful for my dear friends in the Supper Club and my new friends from the Bereavement Support Group.  I get together with each of these groups about every 4-6 weeks.  We usually share a meal and we talk for hours and we don't have to pretend.  We share how we're doing and support each other and it's okay to laugh and to cry and to hurt.  What sucks is our common loss and grief that brings us together.  But I am thankful for them all.

And I'm thankful for my job because it's a distraction and something that I can feel successful about and I will continue to work hard at it because Ed was always so proud of the work I did and the successes I had and so I will continue that until it's time to retire (which will be a while).

I am learning things each and every day and I know that's a good thing even though I hate it and would unlearn everything to have Ed back.  But since that's not an option, I need to continue to put one foot in front of the other and figure out this new life that I must live, day by day, alone.

I have learned that it is best for me to plan my meals for the week and cook on the weekends so I can have leftovers during the week.  Yes, I do cook.  Not as creative and as good as Ed, but I do follow recipes and some things don't turn out too bad.  I certainly miss the days of coming home from work and Ed being in the kitchen with dinner cooking (I was so spoiled).  But now I come home and reheat my leftovers and sit down for a meal.  And I've learned moderation because I do not like eating the same thing for 5 days in a row (another thing I've learned) and so cooking two small meals on the weekend gives me enough leftovers and some variety for the workweek.  Of course, don't take this to mean I enjoy cooking--not like Ed--this is just a necessity and I'd give it up in a heartbeat if I could!

I find a level of freedom in making some decisions and choices all on my own.  I go where I want, when I want; I buy what I want, I do what I want around the house.  Ed and I easily agreed on all of these things, but when you live with another person, you need to be considerate of that person--whether it was Ed or Dan or both.  But as much as I hate living alone, I do recognize some of the freedoms it has afforded me.  Like licking the spoon I'm using to make dinner or eating ice cream right out of the container, or controlling the remote!

I've also learned that I obsess over some things--like clearing the driveway of snow (I think I obsessed about mowing and raking too).  The other day, about a half inch of snow fell after we cleaned up the 10-12" and I left it.  I was so proud of myself...drove right over it!  It was okay to let it go--NOT!  I was out there yesterday cleaning it up and it took me 2 hours instead of the 1 hour it would have taken if I cleaned it up before I drove over it.  This reminded me of father--he would have us kids outside clearing the driveway down to the pavement as well and I thought he was nuts.  Like what difference did it make?  So maybe I get some of this obsessiveness from him?

I'm learning lots of different things about myself.  I still miss Ed with every fiber of my being.  But I have learned to be grateful for the love and time we had together.  For there are many who never find such deep love and so I know and recognize how lucky I am to have had that and to share that for over 30 years.

For that I will always be grateful...