It's a cool, sunny Sunday morning. There is dew on the newly, mowed lawn. It's peaceful and I'm proud of how the lawn and house look. I wish Ed were here to see how well I'm doing taking care of everything.
The garden is growing...in the gardening bed that Dan and I made that first year Ed passed. The lawn has filled in with nice green grass from the fertilizing and weeding I've done. Bushes I have trimmed are filling in nicely. Ed loved his yard. He would be happy. As I sit outside and enjoy the beauty my heart aches because I can't share this with him. How I wish Ed were here to see this, to be proud of me. It is at moments like this that I miss him the most. I miss having someone to share these small moments with.
But these thoughts pass, or rather, are recognized and then filed away. For nothing will change and I have to learn to be proud of myself and accept that as being enough. I thankfully have the most wonderful son in the world and I frequently share these moments with him, sending him pictures and texts, and he responds and gives his mother a pat on the back. I am blessed to have him in my life.
In general, life is good.
Did I just say that? Capture the moment, right?
I realize I haven't written in over a month. It's been a busy month and I'm taking full advantage of the fact that it's summer and many things to do. Sometimes I'll do things alone (strawberry picking), some things are planned with friends (Summer Pops and Tanglewood) and some are spontaneous (morning hike and sitting by the pool with my sister). I am branching out and trying new things. I saw my first Summer Pops with the Chorus of Westerly with a friend. I went to Tanglewood for the first time. Dan and I saw the Tall Ships in Boston. And I saw my first live Drum Corp performance.
Around the house, I'm doing my grilling and learning not to charbroil everything. I'm starting to slowly declutter and get rid of things. Last weekend, I finally finished cleaning out Ed's closet. And I survived with only one moment of tears as I tossed a couple old shirts and suit that he brought with him from Philly--things he held onto for the memories. But my reward for cleaning out the closet was to be able to claim the space for myself and I installed shelves and unpacked several totes that contained my sweaters. I'm happy with how it turned out and so when I open Ed's closet door, I smile.
So I'm moving forward...slowly. I'm learning to appreciate my alone time but also the wonderful friends I've made over these past four years. They are, each in their own way, helping to fill the void left by Ed.
It's still one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. But, most days, it comes naturally and I don't even need to think about it.
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| Balloon Fest with my sister |
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| Lawn pictures! |
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| Sunday afternoon in Stanford CT with friends |
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| Tanglewood! |
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| Chorus of Westerly Summer Pops! |
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| Love going into the city with Dan |
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| Boston's Tall Ships with Dan |
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| 7th Regiment Drum Corp |
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| Off on a hike with my sister |
