Saturday, July 25, 2015

Recognizing Changes Today

I attended a funeral today.  It was for Mary's husband.  He was 63 years old.  Another one too young.  The choir sang at the funeral Mass.  The songs were familiar and they moved me.  They brought back memories of how the choir sang at Ed's funeral Mass as well.  And as we know, memories can flood in and drown us at times.  But today was different.

There were decisions I had to make to be there today and I knew as I stood there in church, it was the right decision.  I was surrounded by the camaraderie of my fellow choir members.  But most importantly I was there to embrace Mary.  As we hugged, I did not tell her that it was going to all be okay.  I did not tell her that her husband was in a better place.  As I've learned, these are empty words.  Instead I told her I was there for her.  I told her that it wasn't going to be easy.  She was fearing coming home after work each day and him not being there.  I confirmed that, yes, this would be difficult.  But I also told her that I would there for her...no matter the time of day, no matter the reason.  Whether it was just to cry, to vent, to just provide a friendly and supportive embrace.  For this is what meant the most to me after Ed passed...that person who just "got it".  As Mary said to me "you get it" and, yes, unfortunately I do and so it is now my turn to be there for her.

I also noticed another difference today.  First, I was able to make it through all the songs without breaking down into tears.  The Celtic Farewell in particular moves me every time I hear it.  The fellow widow standing next to me had a harder time so we grasped hands to help each other through it.  I pushed through.  I kept my mind focused at the task at hand.  I did not allow the music to envelope me...I kept it a little at arms length which helped me with perspective and from totally breaking down and reliving the intense pain from 2 years ago.

The other thing I noticed was that today I prayed for Mary.  Yes, we had a Mass for her husband and I said a prayer for him.  But mostly I focused on her.  I signaled my sign of peace to her across the church.  I wish her so much peace.  Peace that I know will be elusive for a while.  But it will come...eventually, after a while.

And so today, I recognize that I am in a different place.  Time does change our grief.  Yes, it is still buried deep down inside and can rear it's ugly head at any time.  But today, while at that funeral, in the same church where we held Ed's funeral Mass and sang some of the same songs, I was not sad for myself or for Ed.  I was not sad for Mary's husband.  Rather, I was sad for Mary.  Sad that she will now walk this awful path, that she will feel the depth of grief that you cannot imagine until you unfortunately experience it yourself first hand.

But sometimes through grief there are bright moments and silver linings.  For today I also spent time with a fellow "wid"...someone I met through our common loss and grief.  We sat and talked and laughed and time passed quickly.  Someone I would have never met if we did not lose our spouses.  Although we would both give up our friendship in an instant to have our spouses back, we know this is not possible.  And so I am thankful for this friendship.  A silver lining, a bright spot in this otherwise gray world...moving ever so slowly out of the valley of grief.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

You Can't Make This Shit Up

It's amazing what a difference (less than) 24 hours can make!  Last Sunday evening was an "adventure" or shall I say--a disaster.  Sometimes I cannot believe this is my life.  My friends have encouraged me to share my story because they think even Lucy isn't this funny.  So below is my story.  It is all true.  So enjoy and feel free to laugh at me, at my adventures, because seriously, I can't make this shit up!

Once again this year, bats have paid me their annual visit. Dan was home for the weekend and Friday night he heard them outside my bedroom window. So I did what I've learned to do...close the window so I can't hear them or fear them somehow coming in through the screen!  Saturday night, Dan and I sat outside to watch them come out from behind the shutter.  Counted about 36 of them. Yup, you read that right!  The truth is, they don't bother me if they stay outside.  They say they eat about 1,000 mosquitoes in one night...so with 36 of them, the mosquito population around my house is significantly reduced!  But I'm keeping an eye on them!!

Sunday evening, after Dan had left, I was watering my flowers.  As I returned the hanging basket on the front deck to its hook, I felt a sharp pain in my wrist and realized I was stung by a bee.  I could hear bees buzzing but as I looked around the eaves of the house and the hanging basket I could not see any bees nest.  I then thought to look under the front deck and sure enough that is where I found a large yellow jacket nest under the deck. So I sprayed the snot out of that as dusk arrived.  Some bees were still swarming outside the nest, so I stood outside and watched the bats come out from behind the shutter while I waited for it to get a little darker.  Count some bats, check some bees...

Just before bedtime I noticed a spider on the ceiling in the kitchen.  I don't like spiders in my house and so if I see one--they get squished right away.  I don't need them hanging over my head ready to drop on me!  So I reach up with my bad left arm (not thinking), the spider drops, and I flinch causing a shooting pain in my arm.  I didn't think too much of it because just a couple weeks ago I was diagnosed with calcified tendinitis in that shoulder and I just started physical therapy on Thursday.  So I took a couple ibuprofen and went to bed.
Well the pain only only got worse and I couldn't sleep.  I remember when Ed had shoulder pain he would sometimes sleep in the recliner because sitting up relieved the pressure on the shoulder.  So I went downstairs around 1 am to try sleeping in the recliner.

I heard a noise a couple times in the kitchen. I finally decide to go check it out. Did I just see something fly by? Yup! A freakin' bat is in the house! Now I'm not totally surprised because at least one, if not two, bats have gotten into the house every July for the past 3 years, why would this year be any different?

I tried to coax him out.  I opened the slider door and screen.  The bat should "sense" the air and go towards it.  Nope...he just keeps flying around and around.  In the meantime, I'm hoping none of the other 35 bats outside decide to fly in the open door!  I put a fan in front of the door--again to draw the cooler outside air in so the bat will sense it.  Nope...he goes into the hallway and disappears.  As I look up the stairwell, there he is flying around upstairs.  I close the slider and doors to rooms on the first floor.  Thankfully I had air conditioners upstairs running so some doors were already closed off.  I bravely go up the stairs to find him, hoping he does not decide to swoop down the stairwell at the same time.

He's flying around in Dan's room.  Now one option is to go into Dan's room and open a window, remove the screen, and maybe he'll fly out the window.  Yeah right... And it's not a large room so it would be like playing Frogger trying to get into the room and to the window without the bat swooping at my head!  So I wait in the hallway and watch him.  He's not coming out.  So I go downstairs to get the bug zapper racket that Dan had bought Ed years ago (and Dan was playing with over the weekend) and head back upstairs.  I'm not quite sure why I got the racket other than to protect myself as I headed upstairs by placing the racket in front of my face.

Now mind you, all of this is happening with a bad left shoulder/arm that I can't move!  I again watch the bat hoping he will get back downstairs...closer to the slider and into a larger space.  He comes out into the hallway and swoops into the stairwell but instead of going downstairs, he returns back to the hallway.  For whatever reason, he flew low to the ground...his mistake.  Whack!  He's down!  Whack! Whack! Whack!!!  Until he's not moving...or rather, until the racket has broken into many pieces!!

I leave parts of the racket covering him and go and get the real tennis racket downstairs and return to give him a few more whacks.  (Sidebar...and I'm sorry...anyone who feels bats should be protected and that I shouldn't have killed him, can next time come over to my house at 1 am and "coax" him out.  But after trying to coax him and him not leaving, sorry, the bastard is going to die!!)

So now I can't sleep due to the pain and keeping my eyes open for more bats!  After getting about a total of an hour's worth of sleep that night, on Monday morning I call my doctor regarding my shoulder.  I have no range of motion and I describe the pain as an 8 on the famous 0-10 scale. I end up getting a cortisone shot.  He hopes this will relieve the pain within a few days.

I also bang on the bedroom wall by the shutter where the bats were.  No squeaking or rustling noises.  They have moved on.  Just like they did last year.  They stay for a couple days, 1-2 decide to come inside for a visit, and then they move on and are gone.  Those damn shutters are coming down though before next July.  Maybe that will deter them and they will find some other place to hang out for a couple days.  They definitely didn't use the bat house that I hung up for them this year on a tree away from the house.  Nope...they like my damn shutter! And the bees are gone...at least in that spot.

And just remember...this all happened in less than a 12 hour period of time!!  You just can't make this shit up!!

The remains of the racket.  Sorry Dan...I'll buy you a new one.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Finding Happiness Within

It's a quiet Sunday morning.  My feelings are unsettled as they are most days.  Somehow, I'm continuing to get up every day and move through this so-called life of mine.  I am still puzzled by the fact that Ed is gone and that it has been over two years.  At times it feels like yesterday and at other times it feels like a lifetime ago.  Was what we had, all those years, real or a dream?  Is today some surreal dream and at some point I'll wake up and be back to my old life?  I pinch myself...nope, it's real.

I sit here and realize I can talk about my loneliness and sadness and how I feel like I am in some kind of "Groundhog Day" movie.  I am perplexed by what my life should be--what is my purpose for being on this Earth.

But this morning, as I sit on my back deck writing this, I will find peace in my surroundings and be thankful for what I have and not focus on what I have lost.  I am surrounded by the quiet of my back yard.  I smile at the flowers that are growing, even the flower pot that I arranged doesn't look half bad.  The vegetable garden is taking off and we had our first cucumber from it yesterday.  Dan came home this weekend and I so appreciate that he is close enough to come home every so often and that we can just enjoy hanging out together.  I am lucky enough to afford redoing the kitchen.  I have a good job that, yes, at times stresses me out.  But it also challenges me and enables me to work with some great colleagues and, most importantly, allows me to support myself.   That I have not been financially devastated when Ed passed, I am thankful for.  I have our house.  I can pay the bills.  I can afford to do home improvements.

So although this is not the life I had planned for myself. I will survive.  But I do wonder if that is what life is all about, simply surviving.  I don't think so.  I want to find happiness.  Do I have happy moments and days?  Absolutely.  Do I love life....not necessarily.  And that is what I want back.

But for now, I just need to continue to figure out this life of mine and find the happiness within...by myself, for myself.

In the quiet of a Sunday morning.  In the flowers that brighten my yard.  In the garden where I will harvest vegetables grown by my own hands.  And in the love and happy moments with family and friends.

How can this not make you smile?

I actually made this arrangement.  This was always Ed's area of specialty.  I think he'd be proud.  I am.

The garden is doing well.  I learned to plant less to avoid overcrowding.
The new kitchen which I am very happy with!


My Story

Lately I find myself moving through the days, being with others, laughing, and living life. Days pass quickly and grief, sadness, and feelin...