I Just Am

Nothing....that's what I'm feeling this morning as I sit down and try to write.  The last two nights I came home from work and mowed the lawn.  I finished it last night and I'm proud of myself for taking care of that and doing some laundry at the same time (woo hoo--two things at once--I'm superwoman!).  It is a lot of work to take care of the house by myself.

I think back to when we bought our house.  There were a lot of trees around our house at that time. That was one thing Ed was looking for--feeling like we were in the woods.  But then there was no lawn and the house was cold because the trees blocked the sun.  So over time we spent money having the trees removed.  Ed and I frequently laughed about that--we would have saved ourselves money if we just bought a house that wasn't in the woods!  But Ed worked hard to plant grass and create lawns and that's what we now have.  And as I put away the mower last night, I laugh because if I didn't have all these lawns, it wouldn't take so long to mow.  But then I'm thankful because I love our yard without all the trees and I'm thankful that Ed took care of creating this and leaving me with this yard.  And, he left me with a riding mower too!  For that I'm thankful!

Of course I also get frustrated with trying to figure out why there are brown spots in the yard and then there's that poison ivy that is spreading in the back.  But these are all things that end up on my "to do" list.  Something else to take care of.  But I guess that's a good thing.  It keeps me busy.  But then there are days when I feel overwhelmed by it all.  Will I ever be caught up?

So, yes, on one hand, the busy-ness is good. On the other, I find it overwhelming.  And even I wonder, can't you just be happy with one or the other.  But I can't find that balance.  Not yet at least.  And so I just continue to ride this roller coaster of emotions.  I can't predict how I will feel each day.  I wake up and some days I smile at the sunshine and other days....I just 'am'.  That happens to be today.