Sunday, November 26, 2017

Walls Filled with Love

It is the Sunday after Thanksgiving.  The house is quiet and once again I'm spending a quiet Sunday morning with a cup of coffee.

Now that Thanksgiving is behind us, the Christmas rush has begun. I'm not necessarily happy about that. I love Christmas...or at least most days I do. I like the lights and decorations and the music. I don't like the commercialism and hustle and bustle of shopping and overindulging. The madness of shopping and gift giving takes over simply enjoying the holiday.

Dan is home this weekend and it is the highlight of my life. I know I am so blessed to have him in my life and I know I say this often. But he has made my Thanksgiving and weekend filled with happiness. There is nothing better than spending time with him. We've done chores around the house (leaves are done!), gone to see a show (Trans-Siberian Orchestra!), and have simply hung out together watching Netflix or playing cards and board games. I love that we are homebodies.

There have been many days over the years since Ed passed when, if it wasn't for Dan, I don't think I could have gone on.  He was my reason for living. I know that's not a fair responsibility to place on a child, no matter what age, but it is the life and cards that were dealt to us. Thankfully for me, Dan stepped up to the plate. I wish the burden didn't fall solely on him. These are times when I'm sorry that he doesn't have any siblings to share the burden. But, then again, if he did, we may not have the relationship we do. We can read each other's minds and are often thinking the same thing. We are very good friends. Dare I say best friends?

However, Dan will be leaving today and that makes me sad. But I will hold the happy moments in my heart and be thankful. Thankful for this warm and loving home that Ed and I created and that Dan and I continue to fill with laughter and love. I have dreams of someday moving to my next chapter...a new location, a new home.  Days like today, though, I wonder if I could ever really leave this home.  Time will tell.  For today, though, I'll allow it to wrap me in the warmth of love and memories that fill these walls.

God, I love this kid!


The gang on Thanksgiving at Mom's

From Trans-Siberian Orchestra show that Dan and I went to

The turkey Dan and I cooked. Our first...and it came out pretty good!



Sunday, November 19, 2017

Rainy, Quiet Sunday

It's my favorite time of the week...Sunday morning.  There is no alarm and no where to rush off to. It's raining outside but I don't mind because I have no where I have to go. Knowing it was going to rain, I finished my outdoor tasks yesterday so I feel good about that. Today I plan to make a beef stew so it fills the house with warm, wonderful smells. I have several indoor projects I plan to tackle and I'm just happy to be at home.

I am doing better today. The sadness that engulfed me just a week ago has lifted. I'm not sure why, just like I'm not sure why it hit me so hard last week. But there is a lightness in my steps and I was eager to get out of bed this morning to begin tackling my To Do list.

I am getting excited about the upcoming holidays. I'm going to try hard to learn to simplify because I just want to enjoy the time and the season.  I know part of my excitement is that Dan will be home this week for the long Thanksgiving weekend. Spending time with him is one of my most favorite things to do and fills this home with much love.

Whatever it is though that has improved my mood, I'm going with it. For as fast as the wave of grief and sadness can still engulf me, it thankfully moves on just as quickly. An empty and alone future still disconcerts me, but, at least for today, it is not consuming my thoughts.

Today I am ready to face the world.  Be sure to check back tomorrow...it could be a different story. But I can't control tomorrow, so I'll enjoy today and ride this wave until it crashes and tosses me...

Happy Thanksgiving...


Sunday, November 12, 2017

Being Greedy

The aloneness these past few days has hit me hard.

It was just last week that I had a group of wid friends here at the house. I was excited about hosting and having people here. Living alone, I like opportunities to share my home with others.  We had a good day and we chatted and laughed and the only bad part was that they were all gone too soon. Everyone traveled at least 1.5 hrs to get here, some as long as 8 hours. So the opportunity to get together is limited. But it was a great day and I loved having them here and, dare I say, I was happy.

I ran into a church friend on Tuesday and she asked how I was doing and I was still on the high from Sunday and having friends at the house. So, for a change, she got a positive, upbeat response from me.

It's a good thing I didn't see her this weekend because the response would have been different. By Friday night, the stress of work and things at the house got to be too much and I found myself in tears. Years ago, I would have called Ed and he would have said all the right things and told me to finish my work and come home. Once I arrived home, he'd give me a big hug, have a glass of wine waiting for me, and he would tell me to go get changed  while he finished dinner. And he would listen to my ranting and I would get it out and feel supported and better.

But he isn't here and I couldn't reach out to him and then the reality that there was no one for me to reach out to made it worse. Yes, I  have some friends.  But I don't have a best friend, that one person you know you can count on no matter what. The person who has your back 110% and is always, always there for you.  Ed was this person and my best friend for over 30 years.

I miss that. I did end up talking with some friends yesterday and that helped. I appreciate they made time for me because I know they're busy and have their own lives.  But it's not the same. I'm not the person who is forefront in their minds and thoughts. I'm not the person they would make a priority in their lives.

Don't get me wrong. I appreciate the friends I have.  I appreciate the "good" in my life. But I miss most that person who loves me beyond all doubt, who would go to the ends of the earth for me, who I know is always there for me and supporting me.

It's an allusion that I'm strong and can do this on my own. I just want to be loved and not feel so alone and to know that others care. As I sit here alone, on another Sunday morning, will the quiet ever feel less disconcerting. Will I ever have that person who wakes up and calls, stops by, or sends me a note saying "I'm thinking of you...".  Who loves me to the ends of the earth...

I know I had it once, so maybe I'm being greedy expecting it again...

My Story

Lately I find myself moving through the days, being with others, laughing, and living life. Days pass quickly and grief, sadness, and feelin...