This is Now My Life

I slept good last night and that pleases me because I'm able to shut out the world.  I know I dreamt but all I can remember is that it was me and Dan alone.  How I wish Ed would come to me in my dreams and, if he did, that I would remember it and awake with warmth in my heart.

But instead I awake and realize that this is now my life.  I still find it very difficult to believe that my life has changed so dramatically in a matter of a couple of months.  I keep wondering if I'm going to wake up at some point and find this is all a bad dream.  But I pinch myself and realize this is not a dream (or rather a nightmare).  That this is now my life.

And I keep reminding myself that why should I be any different than many others in the world?  Why should I feel I'm special and grief should not touch my life?  Every day now I look at the obituaries and see people who have died at (what I consider) a young age.  And their lives are cut short and their loved ones are grieving and missing them as well.  So I should be thankful for the 50 years of my life that were pretty damn good and the 30+ years I was able to share with Ed.

Work continues to be a good distraction even though it is incredibly busy and overwhelming at times.  I'm trying to get back on top of things and be there for my staff who I know have not been able to depend on me lately.  But I also realize that it's about this time that life throws me another curve ball. So I'm watching and waiting and holding my breath to see if I can make it through another day without some tragedy in my or my family's life.

The rain has stopped this morning and I think I'll take a walk outside to breath in some fresh air.  I have not gotten back to my exercise routine.  Old, familiar routines are still very difficult.  But I'm hoping the fresh air will lift my spirits.  Besides, Ed used to walk around the yard, checking out things, and so I will now do this because it's now my job and I will think of Ed when I do.