Looking Back

I (obviously) made it through yesterday. The weather was not as nice as I was hoping. It was cold, gray, and rainy. It would have been a good day to just hang on the couch, under a blanket, reading a book or watching TV.  Nope...not me. I find it difficult to just sit.

Instead I ran some errands and stopped at the cemetery to put some flowers and the angel figure on Ed's grave. I played the song we played on the day we laid him to rest.  BIG MISTAKE! Although I didn't cry that day when we first played it, I did yesterday.  Someday I'll learn.  But I pulled myself together and got back to my day.

I worked in the yard clearing some brush and took care of a number of other little things on my "to do" list.  I went to choir and Mass, a Mass that Dan and I had said for Ed.  Afterwards, a couple that Ed and I were friends with and that I continue to be in touch with, asked me to join them for dinner. I was touched because, surprisingly, people rarely think of doing this.  Now I am one who usually has my weekends all planned out and it is difficult for me to deviate from that plan. But last night, I didn't have firm plans and so I said "yes".  It was nice to spend a couple hours with them and, better yet, it was better than coming home and making and having dinner by myself.

Today I'm getting together with some friends who are also widowed.  It is my day to relax and do nothing (other than drive to our destination).

Last night as I looked back over the past 4 years, I truly wondered what have I done for 4 years. I survived... But I need to remember to live. To enjoy each day and the people in my life.  Like my friends who invited me to dinner last night and those that I will get together with today for lunch. I AM appreciating these moments and people.  I just sometimes look back, though, and wonder "What have I done? What do I have to show for 4 years?"

Survival, I guess. Survival...

Four Years Ago Today

Yes, today officially marks the 4th anniversary of your death. You passed at about 1:30 AM, so it was the evening of April 21st, 4 years ago, that we were last together. Last night as I recalled the details of that day and evening 4 years ago so vividly, that is what brought tears to my eyes. It was not a good day for you. You were in pain and so we increased your medication and you slept most of the day. I recall how I pushed the button on your PCA pump before I left that evening because you could no longer do it. I remember Dan and I sitting with you, one of us on each side of your hospital bed. I held your hand all day. I hummed music I think to calm me more than you, and I prayed. I prayed that God would end your pain and suffering. And I recall so vividly the difficult decision Dan and I had to make on whether to spend the night with you or go home as we usually did. At the time, the doctors said it could be another day or two. So we decided to leave because I know, beyond any doubt, that this is what you would have told us to do. "Go home. Get some sleep. I'll be fine". It still hurts so much that I made that decision to leave. If I had known that evening was going to be your last, I would have stayed at your side. But I didn't know and I try to forgive myself knowing that I was there by your side every day for the 26 days you were in the hospital and the 31 years we were together.

April 22, 2013 was about making phone calls and making arrangements. After getting the call from the hospital that you had passed, Dan and I drove over to see you one last time. I don't know why, but it was something I felt I needed to do. Maybe to confirm for myself? They had disconnected your IVs and cleaned up things in your room. I remember getting mad that they threw out your lip balm (and Dan laughed at me). It felt so strange leaving you there. When we got home, we called Beers&Story. What you didn't know was that I had already called them the week before to inquire about arrangements, so I knew it was okay to call them at whatever ridiculous time it was. Dan and I met with them later that day to make your funeral arrangements and pick out your casket. As I recall this, I know you would have been so proud of Dan as he helped me make these decisions, all in your honor.

I know the Saturday before you passed, you had a private conversation with Dan after I left. I still to this day cannot figure out how you knew this would be so hard on me. I was convinced I would be "okay". I was strong and I was someone who got things done. I was not an overly emotional person and I rarely broke down in tears. But somehow you knew this would rock me to my core. And you told Dan he needed to be there for me and he has, every single day since you passed. We did so good raising such a wonderful son and I am blessed to have him in my life. I thank God for him every day.

I cry now remembering the pain and sadness of your last days. I cry for the future that has been taken from us. I cry that Dan does not have his father here. I cry that I don't have my best friend.

But Dan and I are learning to carry on. Somehow we've survived 4 years. I really do think you would be proud of us. We've taken care of things around the house, we've enjoyed time together just hanging out or going on vacation, we've taken care of each other. We have found moments of joy and laughter to share. We keep your memory alive and we carry you in our hearts forever.

There are days I get very angry that you are gone, that my future happiness has been ripped from my hands. I'm trying to let go of that anger. I'm trying to enjoy the day, the moments, the people in my life. You learned how to do that. Having cancer for 3 years, you made sure to live those 3 years. The pictures around the house of trips we took and things we did together, both make me smile because we spent time together laughing and enjoying moments together but it also hurts because I no longer have you to continue to laugh and share things with.

Today I will try to let go of the anger and instead remember you and all the love we shared. My plan for today is to do some yard work. Being busy is good.  And I will watch the family of red foxes that have made a den in the back yard. The kits will run around and play and just the thought of them makes me smile.  Yesterday, as I watched them, three cardinals flew by and landed in the tree above them.  Two males and one female.  And I stood and watched it all...the cardinals singing in the trees and the kits playing down below.

And I thanked God and you for these gifts of nature for it all brought me peace and helped me simply pause and enjoy the moment...

...and smile.

Me and Dan at Easter. My rock...

Happy (?) Easter

It's Easter morning. The sun is shining and the sky is a bright blue. Spring has definitely arrived as the lilac bush outside the window is budding and the various bulbs planted outside are beginning to bloom. Dan is home for Easter and that always makes me happy.

We spent time together yesterday just chatting as he hung out in the kitchen with me as I made desserts for today. We then did some work outside, made dinner together, and watched a couple movies. I like just hanging with him. It makes me happy.

Today we'll head to my mother's and spend time with family. Part of me wants to instead go away and start new traditions. Although traditions can sometimes be a good thing, it bothers me at times that we continue to do the same things we did "before" as if nothing changed. But everything changed and so with that I sometimes want to make significant changes as well.

But I also know my family is important to me and therefore I know I should and I need to appreciate this time we have together for, as we know, we never know when all of this could change.

With the arrival of spring and the start of a beautiful day, I will try to live in the moment and simply enjoy the moment and worry less about the future. I will enjoy time with Dan and with family. I will enjoy a day where I am forced to sit and relax.

I will appreciate the smell of the hyacinths and Easter lilies that fill the house right now. I smile when I remember how Ed always bought me Easter flowers and now I continue that tradition for myself. I bought extra so I could put a couple plants on his grave later this week. Saturday marks 4 years since he passed. But I won't dwell on that right now. No, instead I will simply enjoy today with Dan home and time with family. At least I'll try...

Happy Easter!

Sometimes Nice Days Don't Last

I've been dreading this time of year. The time when by brother Michael passed to start the downfall of my life. Ed passed just over a month later and then my brother-in-law about a month after that. The avalanche of loss, all at one time, still overwhelms me.

Today, this moment, is one of them. I've been trudging through the past few weeks occasionally replaying every moment of the days 4 years ago, leading to Ed's death. Most days, I've been successful at pushing these thoughts down or the demands and activities of day-to-day life have kept me distracted from focusing on them.

But the 22nd is approaching. Like a freight train coming down the tracks and I can't get out of it's way.

The lump in my throat right now, I can't explain. My day started out well enough. I had a very nice lunch with a very dear friend, who I consider one of my closest friends. He may not realize that, but he's one of the few I can totally be myself with. The sometimes quirky, sometimes silly, sarcastic, over thinker that I am. Someone I don't need to pretend I'm something I'm not.  So it was a nice day.

I came home and got some things done around the house including putting out some Easter decorations. Part of me wonders why because I'll just be putting them away in two weeks, but I like them, especially the small stuffed bunnies on the stairs.

So it's been a good day. But then, suddenly, a wave of sadness falls over me. My heart aches, the lump in my throat is there, and now tears dampen my eyes. I try to figure out why? It's the fear of my future. A future lacking in love and full of loneliness. That is what I'm tearing up about. Ed is supposed to be here, loving me. Buying me my traditional Easter flowers and candy. Instead, if I want these, I need to go out and get them myself. And when I'm the strong, independent woman that I hate having to be, I will get them for myself. I don't rely on others for my happiness. And I hate that. I hate having to always be strong. Always pretending I'm okay and "life is good". Life can really suck sometimes.

I hate that grief can still creep up on me and ruin what was a perfectly good day. And so I will let the tears fall and I will sit here and sob, alone. With no one to comfort me. And it will pass. It always does. But that doesn't mean it gets any easier.

I want someone to love me. I want someone to care about me. I don't want to be alone until I die. I don't want to die alone. Damn Ed for dying on me. We were supposed to grow old together. Damn him for leaving me....alone and sad.  I feel like I've become this sad, old woman. No wonder no one loves or want me.

Thankfully tomorrow is a new day....