Two Months

What else could I possibly write about?  Today marks 2 months since Ed passed.  I remember when I was counting days and then weeks...just like when you track the age and progress of your newborn baby.  They're hours old, days old, weeks old, then years old.  And at some point, when someone asks you how old they are, you need to stop and think for a moment.

I had teary moments yesterday.  Again, for no apparent reason and I think it had to do with the fact that I was approaching another milestone--two months.  As I look back on the week, I know Monday evening was an extremely low point, but I made it through the rest of the week without ending up in a ball of tears.  I still have sad moments where I get that ache in my throat and chest and my eyes begin to tear up.  But I haven't had any more "basket-case" moments this week.

I still miss Ed terribly but as I drive home from work past Amherst College and I see groups of friends laughing together, I realize they don't have a spouse and they are happy.  Or the single, young woman who I wonder if she's still looking for the love of her life, hasn't found it, and she seems happy.  But I also realize that they may be happy because they have not yet experienced the grief of losing a loved one.  How lucky for them.

But hundreds and thousands of us deal with the loss of a loved one every day.  And you can't tell who that person is as you pass them on the street.  Grief touches everyone at some point.  And I remind myself, once again, that it is definitely better to have loved and loss than never to have loved at all.

And how lucky am I that I had the love of my life for over 30 years.  That the joy and happiness shared with the love of that special someone did not allude me.  Because not everyone finds that someone special to share their lives with.  It doesn't mean they are any less happy.  It just means that I was lucky.  I first met Ed when I was 17 (at Misquamicut beach through my mother no less, but that's a story for another time).  We've been together since I was 19.  How lucky I was that our paths crossed, at the right time, and that we had over 30 years together.

As I write today's blog I realize and recognize that I'm able to focus on the positive and not all the pain and grief of losing Ed.  I'm not ready to say the glass is half-full yet, but I also am not saying it is half-empty.  Rather, it's just filled halfway...

I got my anniversary band back last night!  All fixed and shiny and beautiful!
Just like the day Ed gave it to me 5 years ago.