And during the day there were moments when I missed Ed and sadness crept in. When we got the dance recital, one of the routines was done to a song with lyrics about "wish you could stay". I don't remember the exact title of the song, but I can tell you that whenever I hear it on the radio, I turn it off. So here I am, at an innocent dance recital, and the second song I hear is this. Now I couldn't turn it off so instead I distracted myself by reading the program. I thought how in the world was I going to make it through the entire show when I'm ready to run and cry at the second performance. But thankfully the remaining songs did not conjure up anymore sad feelings and seeing my niece dance really did make me smile and be happy (even if for just a moment).
Going to dinner afterwards, although good company, caused me to recall the times Ed and I went out to dinner. As my mother and I went to order the same dish, my first instinct was to change my order--you can't order the same thing! But then I realized that was because Ed and I never ordered the same thing. And there were two reasons for this--1) so we could try each other's dish and 2) so Ed could have something different later that night or the next day because I never finished my meal and so we would always take that home for him to enjoy later.
And as I went to bed last night the sadness engulfed me and the tears flowed and as I woke this morning they were still there and I don't know what has triggered them. Which just upsets me more!
But I got up and got myself ready for church. But for the first time, with the exception of Ed's funeral, I cried during Mass and I cried afterwards when people were trying to be kind and ask me how I was doing. I did have a fleeting thought of escaping right after communion because I didn't want to face people. But it is so ingrained in me not to do that, I couldn't. Of course, several people asked how I was doing and I unfortunately responded with tears and a sad "it's not a good day". They offered hugs or offered to go out to breakfast or for a cup of coffee or tea. And I appreciated the offers and I appreciated their caring. And I think I thanked people but honestly most of it's a blur. I just needed and wanted to escape. My next stop was the cemetery to see Ed and that was the only place I wanted to be.
So I headed over to Ed's grave and put some flowers on it which made me feel better. Our grave marker is not done yet, so not having anything at his grave really bothered me. Below is the picture of the flowers that are now there and this helped to calm me.
The next stop was the grocery store. I have to say, I hate shopping for one. I don't buy things now because Ed and I are planning meals for the week. I don't plan a meal at all. Instead I buy things for lunch like salad mix and fresh fruits and I need to buy things now because they go bad before I can finish them (like milk or bread). I no longer buy a whole melon because it will rot before I can finish it myself. But a small package of cutup fruit is much more expensive. And I waste bread and milk because a gallon of milk is sometimes cheaper than a half-gallon and so I buy the gallon and throw half of it away. I was always raised not to be wasteful but I also need to not waste money and spend more money to buy smaller packages.
But my errands for today are done and so now I'll plan to go outside and do some hand trimming and soak in some of the sun. Once again, moving through my "to do" list keeps me busy and so that is what I'll do and hope my mood improves. Yesterday, my mother reminded me that "Life is Good" but I couldn't even agree with her. I know, deep down inside, she's right and I've said it before that I used to be that person that thought life was good and saw that glass as half-full. But I can't even fake it right now. And why, when I thought I was starting to move slowly forward, I get knocked on my butt again by these emotions. And so I'm reminded, again, that it's not moving forward....it's that damn sideways and it pisses me off!!
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