Better to Walk than Run

What a difference a couple weeks can make.  My last post I had ventured into a world of happiness where I dared to dream.  I truly felt "happy" and was smiling and laughing more and opened my heart. And just as quickly, it came crashing down. It was just over a week now and the memories of the heartache can still cause a lump in my throat and bring tears to my eyes.

The pain was different this time. My life has been so insulated over 30 years of being with a man who loved me unconditionally and was always there for me.  I was spoiled...and lucky...all wrapped up together and I know it.  The pain was different this time.  The pain I've felt over the past 5 years was a pain of loss that I had no control over, that Ed had no control over.  It was the pain of grief that I just had to ride the wave of, knowing it would ebb and flow over time.  The pain of loss, the pain of a future that would never be.  But it was not because of a lack of respect or love...it was simply the cards we were dealt, that I was dealt, and nothing could have or would have changed the outcome.

The pain of a week ago was a result of human actions. Actions that could have been handled differently and should have. That if the situation was handled in a more mature, adult manner, the heartache may still have been there but maybe not as hurtful?  I guess I'll never know.

Instead, I just need to learn from it and get back up and brush myself off.  I learned a lot about myself  and others over the past couple weeks.  Us humans are a strange bunch.  But what I've learned the most and what I'm surprised I even need to be reminded of, is that life is short and it is meant to be spent with people who make you laugh and smile and treat you with respect.  Life is an adventure to be lived and with 2018, I'm trying to start to live again.  I tripped coming out of the gate, but I'm hoping I'm on better footing now and have learned to walk a little stronger and not run so fast.

Enjoy the day, enjoy the moment, enjoy the journey....  I'm trying. I'll be sure to let you know how it goes...

Happy

"Happy"...is that what I've been feeling lately?

I recognize and acknowledge happy moments. After the new year, I opened my 2017 "gratitude" jar.  Those little slips of paper where I captured a moment of happiness, laughter, special times with friends or family.  Moments of recognizing the beauty in nature or special times with friends where we laughed and enjoyed each other, or when I tried new things.  They were all highlights of my year.  Specific moments noted in time.  I kept those slips of paper because I wanted to keep those reminders of the special people in my life who brought me joy.  "Joy"....another word I rarely use and over the past years, I wondered if I would ever find or feel "joy" again.

I think I am now or at least I'm en'joy'ing life these past few weeks. I smile more and I'm happier. I think Ed would be happy too. As a total stranger told me yesterday, "he wants you to be happy". It's not the first time I've heard this and I know it is true because even in life, that is all Ed wanted was for me to be happy and he gave me that (well, at least most days! lol).

Now it is up to me to find that happiness....in what I do and with people who make me happy.

I have my gratitude jar again this year and I'm hoping 2018 will see that jar overflowing with little slips of paper. Only time will tell.  Following the great advise of my closest friends, I'm just enjoying the moment, enjoying the day.  And, yes, I can truly say that right now, and for the past couple weeks, I am happy and it feels good.