Merry (?) Christmas

It's still hard to say the word "Merry".  Was yesterday a "merry" day?  Not sure.  It was Christmas though.  Not a traditional Christmas either and I don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

Needless to say, Christmas is not the same since Ed passed.  I still avoid the word "joy"...will "joy" ever return?  I'd like to think so.

Ed loved Christmas...mostly because he liked to spoil me and Dan.  He always bought me too much...things he knew I needed or wanted whether it was some new clothes for work that I wouldn't buy myself or a special splurge that I was too cheap to buy like the Keurig, my Kindle, or my laptop.  He also spoiled Dan, I think to makeup for Christmases lost with his own family as a child.

Christmas is another reminder that I am now solely responsible for my happiness which is just a reminder of my loss.  I know Christmas is not about presents under the tree and each Christmas since Ed passed, it is Dan who fills the void by his presence.  I am so thankful he is here with me.  And it makes me smile as I see him doing things to make the day special for both of us, special for me.

Christmas Eve was spent with the in-laws at my nieces.  This is tradition and getting to see my "grand" niece and nephews is so much fun.  The irony that I am technically not an "in-law" any longer does not escape me. Dan is related; I am not.  But after 30 plus years, we are still family and with our losses, we know the importance of maintaining this relationship and bond.


This year, Christmas with my family is again postponed.  That is typically where we go on Christmas Day.  Last year Mom was in the hospital.  This year, my oldest sister is in the hospital.  She is on the road to recovery and we're hoping she gets discharged today.  We're not quite sure when we'll celebrate Christmas--sometime in the next week or so depending on my sister's recovery.

So Christmas has been non-traditional the last two years now.  Yesterday, Dan and I exchanged gifts, hung around the house waiting for power to be restored (I guess a squirrel was the cause of most of the town losing power for a couple hours), went to visit my mother, and then we went to see the new Star Wars movie.  Odd to be out and about on Christmas, going to see a movie, and walking around only in a sweater since it was an unseasonably 60 degrees outside.

But I know, deep down inside, Christmas has always been one of my favorite holidays.  And so I will continue the tradition of recognizing the 12 days of Christmas.  I will look for "merry" moments and hope that someday, I will find the "joy" as well.

Merry Christmas!

My grand nephews and niece.  So cute and so much fun!
Wish I saw them more...

Our tree on Christmas Eve.  At least we got that up before Christmas.
Other decorations are pretty sparse!

Tree Decorating and Memories

Tonight as I decorate the tree, the ornaments bring back special memories.  In particular, the one that Ed and I bought for our first Christmas together in 1982.  The saying on it caught me this evening...

"Christmas is quiet moments together, love that lasts forever."

Such a simple ornament.  Whoever knew that the inscription would have a more profound impact on me all these years later.  Although we are no longer able to share quiet moments together, our love certainly will last forever.  I love you always; I love you forever.  Merry Christmas Ed!

TGITW

TGITW...Thank God It's the Weekend!

What a week!!  Work was absolutely nuts this week!  Issue after issue and fire after fire that needed to be put out.  As a result, there was no prayer of me staying on top of the hundreds of incoming email or crossing anything off my list.  I did my best to remain calm and not boil over, but the stress of the week surely tested me more than it has in a long time.  I'm sure the pressure of the upcoming holidays added to this as well.

The good news...  It's the weekend and everyone survived the work week intact!
The bad news...  It's less than a week til Christmas and I have so much still to do.  And so today and tomorrow are my last days to get shopping done, decorate, and wrap.  Well, that's not entirely true...I have Monday-Wednesday evening as well.  Sleep is overrated, right?!

I managed to get my Christmas cards out this week with a note enclosed that I hope fell somewhere between "unrealistic perfection and joy" (which is certainly not my life) and "totally depressing and negative" (which some days feel like).

There is still a heaviest that I'm carrying with me.  But there are also moments of laughter and smiles.  I did technically finish my shopping this morning and remained patient and kind with the crowds, traffic, and hustle and bustle of many people.  I even managed to make it to the annual cookie swap at our church and brought home a variety of cookies to share with Dan.  Yes, Dan is home this weekend...to finish preparing his gifts for Christmas and help me put up the tree.  I know he is one of the reasons my spirit is a little lighter this weekend.

I just wish things would be a little calmer so I could enjoy the holidays with those who are most special to me.  To go see Christmas lights or a play or concert.  To slow down, for just a moment, to enjoy the sights and sounds of the season.  To be with the ones who are most special to me.  I guess that's what December 26th is for...

The Holidays Can Suck

Well here we are, less than two weeks before Christmas.  I know I haven't written and that is because the past month has just totally sucked.  Not for any outwardly obvious reason.  No, just the usual sadness that has become part of my daily living.  And I believe it is magnified now because of the holidays.

I have on my list this weekend to write out my Christmas cards.  I typically enclose a small note...to share with others snippets of the past year.  But I am struggling to write this note this year.

I cannot fake a happy message as hard as I try.  And I know that I am being unreasonable.  I know, deep down, that I should be thankful for my job, my home, my friends and family.  And I am...way down deep inside.  But over the past month, I struggle to bring that to the surface and I also find I don't have the energy to fake it either.

So I am here... Still going through the motions day-to-day.

I am trying to do things that bring me snippets of happiness.  But the reality is that if I could go away and escape all the expectations surrounding the holidays, I would.  But I can't.  And so I will suck it up and do my best to get through the next few weeks.

And maybe, I can pull together a few words to include with my Christmas card.  But, then again, maybe there will be no personal note this year...