Apprehension and Fear

Sunday night and Monday were tough again for me.  There was not necessarily a single trigger, just a general overall sense of sadness.  It was a busy weekend and it was hot and muggy so it could just have been exhaustion.  I have set this week for a new start.  I recall doing that back on May 1 as well and things did not exactly turn out as I had planned.  So I know I am skeptical and doubtful that anything can get better and I have a level of fear that I know I'm trying to ignore.

Of course I set today also as a target to get back to daily exercise.  I've been exercising pretty regularly over the past 10 years.  It's usually walking or jogging outside or hitting the treadmill or working out to DVDs.  Of course I haven't done this over the past two months for obvious reasons.  So I'm trying to get back to exercising even though at some level I question why.

I have realized in the past day though that the thought of resuming a routine that was so common for so many years makes me sad.  There is nothing common or routine about life any more.  On one hand, you would think the old familiar would bring comfort.  But instead, it seems to make me sad. But this morning I didn't make it any further than putting on my workout clothes.  Somehow time got away from me again this morning so I never did fit in the exercise.  I at least dressed for it, so do I get credit for that?  Besides, I know I am entitled to cut myself some slack right now and maybe I should if it just doesn't feel right (or is that just my excuse to avoid exercising?).

I do want to share with you that this week I also have an appointment for a colonoscopy.  Normally, this is not something I would share with the world.  But in light of the fact that Ed died from colon cancer and I turned 50 last fall, I need to be sure to get this done.  And I'm sure this is impacting my mood, and so not to share this detail with you, would be doing you a disservice.

And so I want to enable you to walk on this journey with me.  Now don't worry--I don't plan to do anything like Katie Couric and bring a camera crew with me.  But I know we all hesitate in having this done and so I've decided I need to share this with you so that maybe this will remove some of the fear for you or someone you know....or maybe not.  We'll find out.

On one hand, if once it's done, I get a clean bill of health, I'll be relieved.  On the other hand, though, I am fearful that it will just be more bad news because that has been the pattern of my life these past few months.  Either way, I know you'll be here to support me if needed.

Having the colonoscopy also makes me miss Ed.  The day before Ed's colonoscopy, I was in Florida on business and our flight got delayed.  So Ed had to do the prep by himself and he ended up getting sick to his stomach. I still feel bad that I wasn't here for him for the prep.  I did make it back in time for the procedure thankfully.

I know this is conjuring up all kinds of emotions for me.  First, I was supposed to have made this appointment last fall but I kept dragging my feet.  Sitting on my desk at work was a note, in Ed's handwriting, reminding me to call for the appointment.  But I never did.  And so, in his honor, after he passed, I finally called.  And, I'm also mad and upset with myself for putting this off.  Because if I had scheduled this when I was supposed to, Ed would be here to support me and be with me through this.

So, yes, I am telling you about my colonoscopy.  But I'm doing this for two reasons. (1) Because I know it is having an impact on my emotions right now and (2) Because I've told Ed's story and now I want to share my story and maybe, just maybe, it will encourage those of you to go get one who have been avoiding this.

Colonoscopys are one of those things people tend not to talk about.  And trust me...it is not something I would have talked about even a few months ago.  Ed would have been here to support me and we would have kept this as a private matter.  But instead, I find myself talking to woman at work who have gone through this and getting their advise and input.  Here I'm thinking I can work from home Tuesday afternoon and call in for meetings.  They just shake their head at me and tell me not to plan on it.  And then Wednesday I'm thinking I'll do the same.  And again, they tell me I'll be tired and will want to and need to rest.  Even Dan has told me to just plan on not getting any work done and just focus on the prep and then resting afterwards.  And if I do more than that, great, but not to plan on it.  They are all so wise and I will try to listen to their advise!

So prepare yourself.  Tuesday I leave work mid-day so I can begin my prep.  No eating after 10 AM and then only clear liquids after that.  I also figure this is the start of my healthier routine and attempt to lose some weight.  This is like a body cleanse, right?  Don't all those Hollywood types spend lots of money to do this same thing just to fit into a dress?  I'll tell you what I really think over the next couple days.

In the meantime, consider yourself forewarned.  If hearing about this is not what you want, then come back in a few days and skip my posts from Tuesday and Wednesday.  But I hope you'll stay and help me through this next event in my life.  And then maybe, just maybe, things will finally calm down!

And besides, it will give me something else to write about besides how sad I am!