Slow, Quiet Morning

This morning is a slow morning.  Yesterday I went with my friend Cathy to a get together with other widows that she had met via a young widow forum.  They call this a "widowbago" and someone picks a date and time and anyone who wants to attend can go.  Yesterday's Bago was in Westerly RI--a place I absolutely love so when Cathy asked if I wanted to go, I decided to go even though I wouldn't know anyone but Cathy.  However, there's a level of comfort when you meet other widows that make these new introductions easier.  We have all gone through this terrible event in our lives and we're now trying to pick up the pieces of our lives.  And we "get it" in ways I never understood before losing Ed and that no one can understand until you lose the love of your life, the other half of yourself.  What is true about every person in this group--whether they are 7 years out or 7 months out, is that we're there to support each other and help to bring joy and laughter back into our lives.

The people I met yesterday were all so sweet and welcoming.  Our host brought us on a tour of his family-owned chocolate factory in Westerly.  It was bittersweet because the last time I was there was with Ed and Dan.  We were on vacation and it was a cloudy, rainy day and so we ventured over to check it out.  Yesterday, though, we all got the "behind-the-scenes" tour which I found quite interesting.  Their huge vats of melted chocolate, in all kinds of varieties, would certainly make my Christmas-time chocolate dipping so much easier than using my small double boiler!!

The picnic afterwards was very nice and everyone I met was very nice and welcoming.  We ended staying until 9:30 and with the drive back, I got home at midnight!  So I slept late this morning.

I had my cup of coffee while sitting on the back deck this morning.  I watched the Cardinal play in the wet grass, the Robin looking for food; and took in the warmth of the sun and the quiet of the summer morning.  It was peaceful but I also realize why I just don't sit idle like this because it is at these times that all my thoughts of Ed come rushing back and the hurt and pain of losing him returns.

Not that I don't miss him everyday, but I tend to be busy doing things and so my mind is engaged in the moment or task at hand.  But when I just sit and take in the silence or quiet, the memories of what we had all come flooding back.  What were we doing at this time 2 years ago?  How was he feeling?  What would we be doing at this moment if he was still here today?

What I've also learned though is that I love my home and the house and the yard and what this home that we made together and where we raised Dan.  I do find such peace and comfort sitting in the yard enjoying the birds and the flowers and even the lawn that needs constant mowing.  It is home and I can honestly say it is my most favorite place on earth.

So I'll update this blog to capture my thoughts and feelings, and then I will go attack my to do list so that I can get back to being functional.  It is a beautiful day and I need to be productive not only because there are things to be done, but also because I need to engage my brain so I'm thinking of something else.  This is why being busy, at the right level, is a good thing.  And right now I'm just trying to find that right balance.

The Cardinal that nested in the lilac bush.

Two Hummingbirds at the feeder.

They really prefer my homemade sugar/water mix!

One of the many luminaries donated in Ed's memory at Relay for Life.
Thank you all for your generous support!

My rose from Nelson.

A gift from my friend Cathy from our Widowbago adventure!

What a Week!

What a crazy week it has been.  It was just busy with things on the calendar every night during the week--volunteering at the church Tuesday night, Zumba Wednesday night, dinner with "Supper Club" Thursday night.  And Friday night was both calling hours for a dear friend and Relay for Life.

My friend Theresa Whitney passed away last Sunday, June 15th.  She was 85 and moved to Maine about 8 years ago so we didn't see each other as much as we would have liked.  But she lived in Belchertown when I first met her and I fondly remember parties at her house, drinks at McCarthy's, and road trips to the Griswold Inn.  She was a woman who lived life to the fullest, a woman of great faith, and I know she is  rejoicing with our Lord.

Dear Friend Theresa Whitney

Ed and Theresa would have some deep conversations.

Friday evening was also Relay for Life.  This was my first and I thank our team captain Eleanore for letting me join her team and making me feel welcomed.  It was a pleasant surprise to see my former hairdresser Julie, who I've known for over 20 years, also part of the team.  She became my walking/jogging buddy.  Dan and Nate showed up just in time for the Lumanaria lap and that was a pleasant surprise which meant a lot.  It was both a sad evening (sad that we even need to be doing this) but the love and joy of those working together in this fight against cancer was overwhelming and moving.

Julie, Eleanore, and Me

Team Peach Pedestrians

While I was at Theresa's funeral on Saturday, Dan and Nate put in the air conditioners and cleaned the gutters.  Love these guys!  They take such good care of me!  We topped off the evening with Grandma coming over for dinner and cards.  My first attempt to grill chicken.  It was a team effort and it came out great!  Ed would be proud of us.

Today will be a little more low-key and I plan to stay home and work in the yard (time to mow again!). I'm ready for that after the busy week I've had.  A week of many highs and lows.  Now I'm ready to just relax!  It's a beautiful day.  I hope you have a chance to enjoy it!

Our Wedding Anniversary

Today is not a good day.  It would have been mine and Ed's 30th wedding anniversary.  Before Ed passed, not a single anniversary went by when I wasn't happy on this day.  We usually celebrated in small ways--maybe dinner out or a nice dinner in; exchanging cards--Ed usually got me both a romantic one and a funny one; and he always got me flowers.  And if he sent them to me at work, he made sure to have more at home.  There was a time when I told him to stop having them delivered to me at work because they were too expensive.  Well he listened and that is when he started to deliver them himself!  We usually didn't exchange gifts on our anniversary or it would be something small (except when Ed got me my diamond anniversary ring).  Instead, we would usually buy something for the home.

And yes I know how blessed I was to have been able to find such love with Ed and to share so many years with him.  However, that does not mean I don't grieve and I don't miss him.  And to ignore that would also do us and him an injustice.  For to have truly loved means I will truly grieve.  Of course I remember all the wonderful time we had together, but I can still feel robbed of all the wonderful times we weren't able to share.  So I will remember.  I will be sad and I will cry.  For the love lost, for the memories that will never be made, for the years never to be shared.  For pretending there is no loss, no pain, no sadness would also not be right.

Today I'm attending the funeral for my brother-in-law's mother, Pauline.  I am sad for their family for it doesn't matter how old a person is, you still grieve their loss.  It is just another reminder how we are all on this Earth only for a short time.

My dear friend Theresa passed this weekend as well.  Her body had been failing her for several years now and she was so ready to meet Our Lord.  I am happy for her but again sad for her family and friends.  Another void in our lives.  I loved that woman so.

Both these woman lost their husbands many years prior.  I give them such credit for living life and moving on without the love of their lives.  May their lives be an example to me.  And I know, without any doubt, that their husbands were waiting there to greet them when they passed.  What a gift for both of them.

Pauline and Theresa, may you now have eternal peace.

Ed, Happy Anniversary.  I love you always and forever.

Father's Day

I can't bring myself to say "Happy" Father's Day.  I miss all the fathers in my life too much.  There are none and it hurts.  I know my father and Ed's father have been gone for many years.  We always remembered them but it was still Ed's day so we celebrated with joy with him and for him.  I realize this is not my first Father's Day without Ed.  But last year Dan was here and we remembered Ed together as we worked in the yard and then grilled dinner together.  We were busy.  Not sitting here in front of the computer, looking at pictures, and feeling blue about what I don't have.  I guess it's time for me to get busy.

I miss you Ed.  I missed Dad.  I miss you Dad Brzycki.  Happy Father's Day with so much love!

Caught Back Up (finally)!

I'm sorry I haven't been updating this blog.  I fell behind after Dan and I got back from DC and I told myself I couldn't write a "current" post until I took care of the backlog.  So, if you happened upon here today (June 14th), there are some new posts that date back to May, including ones from our trip to DC!

As you will see, Dan and I had a good time in DC.  The time since then (has it really already been a month), has been busy.  Spring finally arrived and things like mowing and weeding and taking care of the outside of the house have taken precedent over inside jobs.  Although I did manage to repaint the kitchen recently.

Time continues to march on and seasons continue to change.  The spring bulbs have died off; the lilacs and Lilies of the Valley have passed, and the Rhododendron flowers and Irises are gone as well.  We continue to move towards summer, but we didn't see much spring.

I have certainly enjoyed the longer days and I find myself on weekends outside in the yard until 8 PM.  It saddens me to think that the days will begin to get shorter in just over a week.  Time passes all too quickly.

Now that I'm caught up again with this blog, I hope to stay in touch more often.  Enjoy the day!  Enjoy the sunshine!  Enjoy the reading...

Who Would Have Thought

I spent today working in the yard, planting veggies in the garden and flowers around the house.  I loved spending the time outside in the warmth of the sun, the heat of the day.  When working inside all week, breathing in the fresh air felt good.

Not surprisingly, I bought too many plants for the garden.  It's not a very large garden so a couple tomato plants, cukes, lettuce, and squash would have been plenty.  But I ended up with 3 tomato plants, squash, zucchini, cukes, lettuce, and acorn squash.  Oh well, extra to compensate for any plants I may end up killing.

I like my little garden though and it reminds me how Dan built this for me last year about this time and that makes me smile.

But planting the vegetable garden doesn't surprise me.  I also planted some flowers--in one area in the back of the house, in a window box, and in three different planters.  And as I was arranging the flowers in the planters, I got a good chuckle because this is certainly "not my thing".  Ed always did the flower boxes and they always looked beautiful.  I recall one year I attempted to do this and the poor flowers just looked rather pathetic.  I just did not have a knack for it.  Last year, I planted flowers in one container and then bought a couple hanging baskets and containers already beautifully arranged.  I certainly didn't need the extra pressure last year of trying to do everything.

Not sure what possessed me to attempt planting flowers this year.  But I bought them and before I knew it I was out in the sunshine with the potting soil, the wheel barrow, watering can, and the gardening tools.  I took my time planning out how to arrange the flowers and then carefully transplanted the flowers to their new summer home.  The one thing I observed that was different than in previous attempts was that I took my time.  I didn't rush it as a task to simply check off my list.  But rather, I took time to plan, to arrange, and to step back and assess.  And I laughed at myself and couldn't believe that I was actually enjoying the moment.  I certainly never enjoyed it in the past.  I enjoyed Ed's end result but the work was, well "work".

Last year I was perfectly content in resigning myself to the fact that I will simply purchase those beautiful arrangements from the store.  Who would have thought that I would actually be planting flowers and taking pride in what I was doing and enjoying the task.  I'd like to think Ed was smiling down on me.  I certainly thought of him often and thanked him for teaching me through example.

Two small flower urns near the stairs.

The garden has been planted!

Another planter with annuals on the back deck.