Learning and Changing

It's amazing the peaks and valleys in my day.  I used to talk about good days and bad days but the reality is that within a day there are good points and low points.

I did go to the jewelers yesterday to drop off my anniversary ring to be fixed (which will cost about $100).  While I was there, I asked that they look at my engagement ring also.  The report is that the prongs and shank are thinning and one prong in fact, is worn down on top.  Cost to fix $200!  So I asked whether we could do something with Ed's wedding bands and the diamond instead.  Maybe invest the $200 in something new?  Of course, I teared up as I'm talking to the woman.  So I don't know what I'm going to do here.  But when I came home, I removed my diamond because the last thing I want to do is lose that stone.  I just don't know why all of this has to happen.  Why do I need to deal with my rings now falling apart when the rest of my life is as well?  I would just like things to settle down even for a bit.

When I got home I had a brief meeting with my insurance agent.  That went really quick and so I was able to get the lawn mowed before it started raining.  That was one of my good points yesterday.  I was getting quite good as maneuvering around things.  I do like the exercise that using the push mower provides, but I was working against the clock last night to beat the rain.  So I was quite proud and happy when I was able to finish that.

I'm learning that I'm changing and I'm learning that I'm no longer the same person I was three months ago.  And I know I won't be the same three months from now.  But what I'm recognizing is that it's okay and I need to learn to accept what I feel and need at the moment and it's okay to be selfish and do what feels right to me and not what others expect or want from me.

I find my tolerance and patience is much thinner than it used to be.  In the past, I always tried to put things into perspective.  Family came first, but I always tried to make everyone happy and juggle everything whether in my personal life or at work.  I find I just don't have the time and energy for this anymore.  I think this surprises some people, but I've learned this is what I need to do to survive.

I've also learned that my time at home is important to me.  Everyone reacts differently to grief.  Some need to be active and on the go all the time.  I'm finding that my greatest comfort is being home, putzing around the house, taking care of things and not running here or there.  So I'm learning to say "no" and limit the invitations I accept.  If I do decline an invitation from you, please don't take it personally.  There have been a number of people who have invited me to dinner or to do something and right now, I just need to say "no".  Know that in time, I may be able to say "yes" but right now I'm limiting the times I do that.  I'm recognizing that this is something I need to do for myself.  But don't let that discourage you from asking me again in the future.

Before I close today's post, I do want to send out comforting thoughts to my niece Missy and her husband Dennis as they lost their beloved dog Buddy yesterday.  Anyhow who has loved and lost a pet knows the pain they are feeling with this loss.  And I just shake my head....can life just be good for a bit for me and my family?