Saturday, December 26, 2015

Merry (?) Christmas

It's still hard to say the word "Merry".  Was yesterday a "merry" day?  Not sure.  It was Christmas though.  Not a traditional Christmas either and I don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

Needless to say, Christmas is not the same since Ed passed.  I still avoid the word "joy"...will "joy" ever return?  I'd like to think so.

Ed loved Christmas...mostly because he liked to spoil me and Dan.  He always bought me too much...things he knew I needed or wanted whether it was some new clothes for work that I wouldn't buy myself or a special splurge that I was too cheap to buy like the Keurig, my Kindle, or my laptop.  He also spoiled Dan, I think to makeup for Christmases lost with his own family as a child.

Christmas is another reminder that I am now solely responsible for my happiness which is just a reminder of my loss.  I know Christmas is not about presents under the tree and each Christmas since Ed passed, it is Dan who fills the void by his presence.  I am so thankful he is here with me.  And it makes me smile as I see him doing things to make the day special for both of us, special for me.

Christmas Eve was spent with the in-laws at my nieces.  This is tradition and getting to see my "grand" niece and nephews is so much fun.  The irony that I am technically not an "in-law" any longer does not escape me. Dan is related; I am not.  But after 30 plus years, we are still family and with our losses, we know the importance of maintaining this relationship and bond.


This year, Christmas with my family is again postponed.  That is typically where we go on Christmas Day.  Last year Mom was in the hospital.  This year, my oldest sister is in the hospital.  She is on the road to recovery and we're hoping she gets discharged today.  We're not quite sure when we'll celebrate Christmas--sometime in the next week or so depending on my sister's recovery.

So Christmas has been non-traditional the last two years now.  Yesterday, Dan and I exchanged gifts, hung around the house waiting for power to be restored (I guess a squirrel was the cause of most of the town losing power for a couple hours), went to visit my mother, and then we went to see the new Star Wars movie.  Odd to be out and about on Christmas, going to see a movie, and walking around only in a sweater since it was an unseasonably 60 degrees outside.

But I know, deep down inside, Christmas has always been one of my favorite holidays.  And so I will continue the tradition of recognizing the 12 days of Christmas.  I will look for "merry" moments and hope that someday, I will find the "joy" as well.

Merry Christmas!

My grand nephews and niece.  So cute and so much fun!
Wish I saw them more...

Our tree on Christmas Eve.  At least we got that up before Christmas.
Other decorations are pretty sparse!


Sunday, December 20, 2015

Tree Decorating and Memories

Tonight as I decorate the tree, the ornaments bring back special memories.  In particular, the one that Ed and I bought for our first Christmas together in 1982.  The saying on it caught me this evening...

"Christmas is quiet moments together, love that lasts forever."

Such a simple ornament.  Whoever knew that the inscription would have a more profound impact on me all these years later.  Although we are no longer able to share quiet moments together, our love certainly will last forever.  I love you always; I love you forever.  Merry Christmas Ed!

Saturday, December 19, 2015

TGITW

TGITW...Thank God It's the Weekend!

What a week!!  Work was absolutely nuts this week!  Issue after issue and fire after fire that needed to be put out.  As a result, there was no prayer of me staying on top of the hundreds of incoming email or crossing anything off my list.  I did my best to remain calm and not boil over, but the stress of the week surely tested me more than it has in a long time.  I'm sure the pressure of the upcoming holidays added to this as well.

The good news...  It's the weekend and everyone survived the work week intact!
The bad news...  It's less than a week til Christmas and I have so much still to do.  And so today and tomorrow are my last days to get shopping done, decorate, and wrap.  Well, that's not entirely true...I have Monday-Wednesday evening as well.  Sleep is overrated, right?!

I managed to get my Christmas cards out this week with a note enclosed that I hope fell somewhere between "unrealistic perfection and joy" (which is certainly not my life) and "totally depressing and negative" (which some days feel like).

There is still a heaviest that I'm carrying with me.  But there are also moments of laughter and smiles.  I did technically finish my shopping this morning and remained patient and kind with the crowds, traffic, and hustle and bustle of many people.  I even managed to make it to the annual cookie swap at our church and brought home a variety of cookies to share with Dan.  Yes, Dan is home this weekend...to finish preparing his gifts for Christmas and help me put up the tree.  I know he is one of the reasons my spirit is a little lighter this weekend.

I just wish things would be a little calmer so I could enjoy the holidays with those who are most special to me.  To go see Christmas lights or a play or concert.  To slow down, for just a moment, to enjoy the sights and sounds of the season.  To be with the ones who are most special to me.  I guess that's what December 26th is for...

Sunday, December 13, 2015

The Holidays Can Suck

Well here we are, less than two weeks before Christmas.  I know I haven't written and that is because the past month has just totally sucked.  Not for any outwardly obvious reason.  No, just the usual sadness that has become part of my daily living.  And I believe it is magnified now because of the holidays.

I have on my list this weekend to write out my Christmas cards.  I typically enclose a small note...to share with others snippets of the past year.  But I am struggling to write this note this year.

I cannot fake a happy message as hard as I try.  And I know that I am being unreasonable.  I know, deep down, that I should be thankful for my job, my home, my friends and family.  And I am...way down deep inside.  But over the past month, I struggle to bring that to the surface and I also find I don't have the energy to fake it either.

So I am here... Still going through the motions day-to-day.

I am trying to do things that bring me snippets of happiness.  But the reality is that if I could go away and escape all the expectations surrounding the holidays, I would.  But I can't.  And so I will suck it up and do my best to get through the next few weeks.

And maybe, I can pull together a few words to include with my Christmas card.  But, then again, maybe there will be no personal note this year...

Saturday, November 14, 2015

New Cancer Center at Cooley Dickinson

I went to the open house today for the new Mass General Cancer Center at Cooley Dickinson Hospital.  I can't explain why, but I was drawn to it.  As soon as I saw the ad, I cut it out and hung it on my board and marked it on my calendar.

As some of you know, Ed was treated at Hampshire Hematology and Oncology who had their office in Cooley.  This was the level of cancer treatment at Cooley at the time.  We were always thankful that Ed could be treated so close to home.  We absolutely loved Dr. Bowers and his staff.  And if you needed to have chemotherapy, this at least was a nice place to go--good treatment but more importantly wonderful people.  It was a small operation but it was friendly and they made you feel like home.

The new Cancer Center at Cooley is certainly impressive.  It is state-of-the-art and linked into Mass General in Boston.  They are able to easily do conferencing and consult with specialists in Boston saving patients the long drive to Boston.  The infusion area is very impressive with 18 bays, privacy, flat screen TVs, and beautiful views.  It is a beautiful facility but as I walked around I noticed and found comfort in the small, personal touches that brought back memories of Dr. Bowers--the homemade hats available for patients or the basket of snacks and treats.  Fancy monitors now alert nurses when IVs are running low, replacing the unique bells that we used to ring.

I toured today hoping that I will never have the opportunity to see inside again, neither as a patient nor caregiver.  I also found comfort when chatting with some of the tour guides who fondly remember Dr. Bowers and still miss him (he retired the fall after Ed passed).  Some of the staff are still there--Roberta and Karen--who Ed loved to joke and chat with.


It is odd, but I have this sense of connection and comfort there.  Cooley is also where Ed spent the last month of his life and breathed his last breath.  Some people have difficulty returning to the place where their loved one died.  I do not.  It's a strange and odd mixture of feelings--a certain level of peace mixed in with sadness.

As I drove home, I recalled that this was the same drive I took every day for that last month of Ed's life.  I felt empty.  I missed Ed and my heart ached with that emptiness and I wished he was there with me.  I wondered if Ed would have gone to this open house with me?  Would we have even cared about it?  It really doesn't matter.  For I care now.  To this day I still appreciate everything Dr. Bowers and Shane and Karen and Roberta did for Ed.  I miss them all.  I miss Ed.


I'm still not sure why I was drawn there today.  I know, beyond a doubt, if I had a way to make it happen, I would volunteer my time there...at the Cancer Center.  But realistically, with working full-time, I know this is not something I can do.  But maybe that's what I'm destined to do?  I'm not sure, but I'll keep an open mind and see where I'm led.  In the meantime, I'll be grateful that we have such good care right here, close to home.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Widow Ramblings

I find it ironic how easily I can now use the word "widow".  I remember hating that word in the early days.  I did not like the sound of it and certainly was not comfortable labeling myself that.  But now, the word flows easily off my tongue and I frequently use the term "wid friends"....those fellow widows and widowers who are my now part of my friendship circle and who "get" what is now our crazy lives where logic and reasoning do not always apply.

So today's post is about random ramblings with no particular path or connection.  Us "wids" are allowed to have them.  I mean, everyone is actually allowed to have them, but I can blame the craziness of my thoughts on my "wid brain".  When Ed had cancer, we would blame these on "chemo brain".  Whatever works to help us justify the craziness in our minds and lives!

I had a good day yesterday.  Dan surprised me by coming home Friday night and then helped me get the leaves cleaned up.  Each year, I go to battle with the leaves.  And maybe someday, I will move from this house and if I do, it will be to a house without so many leaves to pickup!!  There are a ton of them and if I stay ahead of them, I can use the riding mower to pick them up and bag them.  But at some point, they get ahead of me and that is what happened this past week.

On Sunday, I had the leaves all cleaned up and I looked out at the yard and felt proud of how great it looked and what I was able to accomplish.  But Tuesday evening, though, as I drove in from work, the piles of leaves were unbelievable!  I swear the remaining leaves all came down in that one day!!  And because of work, doing any cleanup during the week is not an option.  So I knew I was faced with raking and cleaning up leaves by hand this weekend and I knew it would take hours.

But with Dan home, the job was more manageable and after several hours, we got the job done.  We were able to laugh and we actually jumped into the leaves at one point!  And as I made one of many trips dragging a tarp filled with leaves into the woods, I knew I would have been overwhelmed if I was doing this by myself.  I know I would have gotten frustrated and have ended up in tears, just like I did last year.  I know I am so blessed by having Dan and that he takes such good care of his Mom and I thanked God and Ed for that and thanked Dan profusely as well.

Over these past few weeks, I continued to work on cleaning out Ed's closet.  I laughed at myself when I had a pile of his jeans that I considered saving since I could wear them working in the yard.  I made myself only keep two pairs!  There is still more cleaning out to do but I don't have any need for dress slacks or dress shirts so that should go easier!

Last week while emptying the bagger on the tractor, I actually had the thought "I could really use a larger bagger".  It caused me to pause and I actually laughed out loud at how my life has changed.  For when Ed was here...he cleaned up the leaves.  I would help on occasion.  And if he had said to me "I need a bigger bagger for the tractor" I probably would have rolled my eyes and said "what for, you have one already".  Oh but how I've learned why that would have been a good idea!  I just never knew and I was happy not knowing.  We had such a good balance of chore sharing in our house.  Okay, maybe not...the reality is Ed probably carried more of the load than me.  But I did giggle and was quite confident Ed was looking down laughing with me as well.  And as I looked down at myself dressed in a pair of Ed's sweatpants, sweatshirt, and wool hat I wondered what happened to that "girly" girl I used to be.  But I smiled at my pink work gloves and steel-toed shoes with the pink as well.  My, how things have changed over the past two years!

As we are now in November, I'm working through my list of what needs to be done to get ready for winter.  In the next couple weeks I will need to take down screens and put up storm windows.  The second floor is always challenging for me so, if I'm smart, I'll wait til Dan is home again to do those.  Or, if I'm stubborn, I will attempt to do it myself and just hope I don't get frustrated and end up crying.  I did remove the upstairs air conditioners myself.  I didn't drop them out the window nor did I end up in tears.  So that was a victory.  Maybe the storms will be as well.  You never know!

So life marches on.  I have a bit of trepidation and fear as winter approaches.  Last year was difficult keeping up with the snow.  I would be outside, in the dark, clearing the driveway with the snowblower.  Some say the winter will be tough again.  Will I be able to manage and stand up to the demands or will I find myself outside, in the dark, clearing snow with tears freezing on my cheeks?  Only time will tell.  Maybe I should have kept Ed's truck and plow...


This is how I help Dan cleanup leaves!

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Clothes

It's been 2 years, 6 months, and 3 days...
It has taken me 2 years, 6 months, and 3 days to start to clean out his closet.

Earlier in the day, as I did laundry and folded a load from the dryer, the irony did not escape me that most of the clothes I was folding were his.  His clothes that I have become used to wearing.  Not because of some emotional attachment (okay, maybe there is at some level), but more out of practicality.  The long sleeve shirts that I can wear outside while working in the yard and not worry about ruining.  The sweatshirt with paint stains on it.  You see, I did not have many, if any, clothes I could get dirty and ruin.  My life "before" did not entail doing anything that would ruin my clothes.  So, for practical reasons, I am able to wear his slightly large shirts for projects around the house.  As the days grow colder, though, I also find myself wearing his sweats--the large, warm sweatshirts or flannel pants.  Plenty of room and, yes, the warmth of the fabric but also the warmth of his memory.

For practical reasons, I decided today to start cleaning out his closet--a closet filled with over 30 years of clothes.  Clothes that Ed wore to work; clothes he wore to do yardwork; clothes he wore lounging around the house; clothes he wore for casual; clothes he wore for more formal affairs.  Yes, it has been over 2 years and 6 months and I have yet to get rid of his clothes.

On the positive side of things, Dan cannot wear Ed's clothes since they wore different sizes.  So the dozen or so shoes that were still is good shape, I was able to easily box up for donation.  However, as I sorted through clothes, the piles of what I was keeping for myself grew.  I finally realized I needed to let some of it go.  There was no need for me to keep 20 sweatshirts or whatever else there was.  So I sorted and purged.

I sorted and removed shirts from hangers or refolded t-shirts from various events or places, I reminisced.  Not sadly but fondly.  There was a box of t-shirts that he had saved--Belchertown Fall Baseball; Mama Leone's, Beat Carlos (or Sack CK depending on the year); the "Greatest Dad" shirt--just to name a few. The many golf shirts that he wore to Pine Grove or the polos he wore to work--and the ones with a pocket to hold those packs of cigarettes before he quit.  I was proud as I worked through the closet and bagged things up.  There were no tears, no sadness.

That was until I started to drag the bags down the stairs to the garage.  They were heavy and as I made several trips through the house dragging his clothes behind me, I realized there were fewer things in the house that were Ed's.  I realized that his presence in the house was diminishing.  As I removed these bags of clothes, the weight of them dragged on my arms, and dragged on my heart.  It reminded me of the weight of his being, of his existence.  It took all my strength to lift these bags and boxes into the back of the car.  And after several trips, I sank into the chair in the bedroom and the tears flowed.  The weight became such a burden I could no longer bear it.  It hurt that all that remained of Ed's life were these clothes.  These clothes that he picked out and that he wore.  Some I don't even remember.  Some brought back memories of times and places gone by.  And my heart ached and the weight of the bags and the weight of my grief became too great.

There are still more clothes in the closet that I need to pack up.  But I closed the closet door, enough for one day, to be finished on another day.

As the sun sets and the house cools, I slip on the large sweatshirt sitting on the back of the chair.  It was Ed's sweatshirt.  It's big and warm and comforting.  I'm glad I kept it...

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Fluttering

There are about a half dozen bluebirds outside my window right now.  They caught my attention as I was making my list of all the things I need to get done today.  They caused me to stop and just watch them for  a few moments and enjoy them fluttering around.  It was good to hit the pause button and see the beauty around me.

The last few days have been hard.  I celebrated my birthday a few days ago.  I took the day off of work and planned a day trip with my mother and aunt.  I figured that was better than staying home and doing chores.  The day itself was nice and I received numerous birthday greetings from friends near and far.  But as the sun set and I arrived home at the end of the day, the lonesomeness enveloped me and sadness engulfed me as I was reminded of the birthdays celebrated with Ed.  I was reminded how he always made the day special for me, and not necessarily in big ways.  But in small ways--a bouquet of flowers, a bag of chocolate to stash in my desk at work, a meal of some of my favorite things cooked by him.

I reminded myself that I am now responsible for my own happiness and if I want to celebrate my birthday in a special way, it is now up to me to do so.  So I did buy myself some flowers and they sit on the table looking lovely, but they are lonely flowers--flowers without any special meaning or love behind them.

I know life could be worse.  A fellow Wid I met through a bereavement group is battling pancreatic cancer.  His battle is to get as many more days out of this life as possible.  He knows he's terminal.  So really, what do I have to complain about or be sad about?  But his illness and battle add to my sadness as, once again, we are reminded how precious life is and also how unfair it can be.

I long for the days of innocence that existed not that long ago.  To the happy life I lived where tears rarely flowed and sadness really didn't exist.  For those of you who still have your loved ones or who are not battling an illness within your immediate family, take the time today to stop and appreciate them.  Just as I sit and watch the fluttering of birds outside my window; stop and enjoy what your kids may be up to, what your spouse is doing at the moment.  That your home is filled with love and family and companionship.

For those who are on the same boat as me, I send you love and peace.  Take a moment today to stop and find some peace it the beauty around you--the fall leaves, the fluttering birds.  And breath deep and know I'm thinking of you...

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Happy Sunday

Yes, you read that title correctly and I'm sure it got your attention!   I realize I tend to post when my emotions are strongest and that is typically when I'm upset and feeling down.  So this morning I thought I'd capture the fact that "it's a good morning!"

I woke rested and enjoyed a nice Keurig cup of Starbucks coffee (I splurged...Starbucks K-cups are a bit more expensive, but it's a treat to myself).  The night had a cool breeze with a light raining falling and I slept well.  And this morning is quiet--just the chirping of the birds.  Some email and text exchanges with friends started my day with a smile--a nice way to start any day!

I have another long list of things I want to get done today (nothing new there...I always have a list going).  But I'm inspired because I've already crossed several things off my list before 9 AM!


It's a gray morning...the sky is clouded over but even this does not have me down.  As I stood at the kitchen sink and looked up to the sky, I still saw brightness and felt...well, happy.  Happy to have such good friends that make me smile just by texting me.  Happy that I was moving through my list of "to do's".

Don't get me wrong...I still miss Ed.  But I have a lightness this morning, a positive energy...  and I'm going to run with it as long as it will last.  That could be 5 mins or 5 hours.  You never know.  And that is why I'm capturing this moment and this feeling.

As I removed the laundry from the washer this morning, I found a dime in the washer.  Now some believe dimes are a sign from a loved one who passed.  I tend to be more practical and instead wracked my brain to remember if I had picked up a dime at some point and put it in the pocket of the pants that were in the wash.  I don't remember doing that, but I must have.  Or maybe it is a sign from a loved one?  Either way, I've tucked that shiny dime in my pocket this morning.  If I leave it there, maybe it will show up again at the bottom of the washer and help make my day a bright one.  It wouldn't have magically appeared as a sign from a loved one; just me forgetting I left it in the pocket.  Either way, though, the end result is the same...

I hope you all have some happiness in your day and lightness to your step today!  Happy Sunday!!

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Another September and Melancholy Feelings

For whatever reason, the arrival of September has once again been difficult.  I'm not quite sure why and as some of my closest wid friends point out, there doesn't have to be a reason, it just is.

I had two wonderful and relaxing weeks of vacation at the beach.  Some people ask if two weeks was too much?  I tell them "nope".  It was so nice not to be on any timetable or constantly have a "to do" list.  The weather was sunny and hot--in fact some days way too hot--so a lot of time was spent on the beach or in the water.  I brought several books with me to read...I think I read a total of 100 pages.  Most time was spent just doing nothing....watching the waves go in and out, soaking in the sunshine on my face, chatting with family and friends, walking along the shore without any destination.  Mornings were relaxing, enjoying a cup of coffee at a leisurely pace.  Evenings were spent playing cards, walking on the beach, spending time with friends.

But that is why it is called a "vacation"...it is not reality.  So soon I was back to reality--doing laundry, mowing, paying bills, and getting back to work.  And feelings of restlessness returned as well and tears would fill my eyes and sadness would fill my heart at unexpected moments.

September does cause me to be melancholy.  It was always one of my favorite times of year.  Approaching birthday celebrations for me and Ed, fall fairs (Belchertown and the Big E!), pumpkin picking and corn mazes, and the changing of the season with cooler nights and looking forward to fall foliage.  Now it's just another reminder that life is continuing on and the seasons change and time marches forward.  The happy times of fall are now replaced with birthdays spent alone, the burden of cleaning up fallen leaves, and preparing for what might be another dreaded harsh winter.  I'm guessing since September is also post-vacation, this time of year is also now a reminder of returning to the reality of my life and it makes me question and fear what my life is and will be.

But as I write this post and capture the feelings of the past week, I am happy to report that this weekend has been a good one.  Part of that is because Dan is home which always makes me happy (the sadness only comes when he leaves again).  But for today, I'm appreciating the bright blue sky and shining sun.  The crispness of the cool morning air.  Enjoying a leisurely cup of coffee with no rush to be anywhere.  I'm still lost on this journey, not quite sure where I'm supposed to be heading and what course I'm supposed to be chartering.  But for today, I'll just enjoy and be in the moment.  For those who have experienced such great lost, this is hard to do.  We know life is precious and it can change in a moment, so don't waste a minute is our thinking.  So living in the moment can be difficult.  But for now, I'll try to do that since the unknown future is too daunting and unsettling.

Some pics from vacation...

Me and Dan

Dan and "the girls".  They have so much fun together!

Yes, we do take up a lot of room on the beach.  This entire crew is us.

We did leave the beach once for a private tour by a friend of mine who owns the local chocolate factory--Hauser Chocolatier.  We are all quite fashionable in our hair nets!


Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Tossed and Turned

I just returned from two wonderful weeks at the beach.  It was extremely hot such that we "had" to go into the water to cool off.  Some days we even had some decent waves.  Now I'm not one who likes really big waves. I have a cautious respect for the ocean.  I've been knocked on my butt before by a wave and it isn't much fun.  So I pay close attention to the waves coming in and make sure they don't crash on me.  If they are too big and unpredictable, you won't catch me in the water either.

On this particular day though the waves seemed manageable.  The problem was that I clearly misjudged one.  I tried to jump over a wave but it was too strong and breaking too fast and it tossed me in the churning water.  As I tumbled, in the foamy, salty water, I felt for the ocean floor so I could figure out which way was up.  And I was able to stop myself from being totally carried into shore by the force of the wave.

As I righted myself and stood up, I was a bit shaken but surprisingly not full of fear.  I went back out to join the rest of the group as if nothing happened.  I laughed it off.  And I stayed out in the water and continued to watch the waves and be more careful about my judgment.  I dove under those that were close to breaking on me.  I floated over other waves allowing the water to lift me.

As I stood there though, I did recognize that I was indeed a bit shaken.  The previous calm and carefree attitude I had beforehand was no longer there.  It eventually returned, but it took some time.  Time for me to relax.  Time for me to breath.

And during this time, it came to me how this tossing and turning in the ocean was a good analogy
of my life.  There are moments, days, time when I'm floating along, enjoying the ride and sunshine and laughter with friends and family.  I try to make good judgments about what is approaching me, watching cautiously for the "wave" that may come crashing down on me.  But just as swift as these ocean waves are, I can sometimes misjudge and I am surprised when I am suddenly knocked off my feet, turned on my head, and my inner core is shaken.  I can plaster a smile on my face while deep down inside, my insides are still churning just as they were on this day in the ocean.

Are these feelings attributed to "grief" or are they just now my everyday feelings?  Some wonder how I can still be grieving after almost 2 1/2 years.  But just as the tide continues to ebb and flow and waves are always present, day in and day out, without ceasing, I believe grief remains, always with me.  And just like the ocean waves, I can't always judge when I can simply float along and rise above it or, instead, when it will knock me down and cause me to be tossed and turned.  I just hope that when I am tossed and turned, I can find my footing and be able to stand upright again.  And if I'm truly lucky, I can find that smile again as well...

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Let's Play Make Believe

Sometimes the waves of grief just hit you...when you least expect it.  The tears come and the hurt is back just like it was in those early days.  How can you really be gone?  You were real.  Our love was real.  Our laughter and happiness together was real.  But how can it be gone?  How can you be gone?

I feel as though I'm acting in this imaginary life of mine.  I go about my day doing work, running errands, maintaining relationships, taking care of everything...a pretend life where I think I've got it all together.  I have a checklist that I work through to make sure I get everything I need to do done.  But it's like a game.  If I can keep it up and keep all the balls in the air and if I don't stop, maybe I won't remember what I've lost and I can avoid the pain that lies dormant just beneath the surface.

But then there are moments, like tonight, when a song releases the floodgates and the waves of grief are washing me away again.  And it hurts that you are not here.  And it hurts that I'm living this pretend life without you.  And I grieve for the loss of you and the life we had and the happiness that I took for granted.

I wonder if you're watching over me and what you are thinking?  What did you think in those last moments of your life?  Were you scared?  Were you grieving the loss of me?  I can only hope that peace overtook you and so the hurt and pain that I'm feeling, you did not.

Some days I pretend and hope that maybe I'll find happiness again.  Like I'm living in some fantasy where everything will turn out okay.  But that's not reality.  The reality is that you are not here and I miss you.  I miss what we had together.  I miss that you loved me.  I miss how happy I was with you.

What is this life I'm living?  Who is this person?  Tonight I stopped for a moment, just to listen to a song...  Big mistake because grief caught up to me while I sat idle and dragged me down once again...


Saturday, July 25, 2015

Recognizing Changes Today

I attended a funeral today.  It was for Mary's husband.  He was 63 years old.  Another one too young.  The choir sang at the funeral Mass.  The songs were familiar and they moved me.  They brought back memories of how the choir sang at Ed's funeral Mass as well.  And as we know, memories can flood in and drown us at times.  But today was different.

There were decisions I had to make to be there today and I knew as I stood there in church, it was the right decision.  I was surrounded by the camaraderie of my fellow choir members.  But most importantly I was there to embrace Mary.  As we hugged, I did not tell her that it was going to all be okay.  I did not tell her that her husband was in a better place.  As I've learned, these are empty words.  Instead I told her I was there for her.  I told her that it wasn't going to be easy.  She was fearing coming home after work each day and him not being there.  I confirmed that, yes, this would be difficult.  But I also told her that I would there for her...no matter the time of day, no matter the reason.  Whether it was just to cry, to vent, to just provide a friendly and supportive embrace.  For this is what meant the most to me after Ed passed...that person who just "got it".  As Mary said to me "you get it" and, yes, unfortunately I do and so it is now my turn to be there for her.

I also noticed another difference today.  First, I was able to make it through all the songs without breaking down into tears.  The Celtic Farewell in particular moves me every time I hear it.  The fellow widow standing next to me had a harder time so we grasped hands to help each other through it.  I pushed through.  I kept my mind focused at the task at hand.  I did not allow the music to envelope me...I kept it a little at arms length which helped me with perspective and from totally breaking down and reliving the intense pain from 2 years ago.

The other thing I noticed was that today I prayed for Mary.  Yes, we had a Mass for her husband and I said a prayer for him.  But mostly I focused on her.  I signaled my sign of peace to her across the church.  I wish her so much peace.  Peace that I know will be elusive for a while.  But it will come...eventually, after a while.

And so today, I recognize that I am in a different place.  Time does change our grief.  Yes, it is still buried deep down inside and can rear it's ugly head at any time.  But today, while at that funeral, in the same church where we held Ed's funeral Mass and sang some of the same songs, I was not sad for myself or for Ed.  I was not sad for Mary's husband.  Rather, I was sad for Mary.  Sad that she will now walk this awful path, that she will feel the depth of grief that you cannot imagine until you unfortunately experience it yourself first hand.

But sometimes through grief there are bright moments and silver linings.  For today I also spent time with a fellow "wid"...someone I met through our common loss and grief.  We sat and talked and laughed and time passed quickly.  Someone I would have never met if we did not lose our spouses.  Although we would both give up our friendship in an instant to have our spouses back, we know this is not possible.  And so I am thankful for this friendship.  A silver lining, a bright spot in this otherwise gray world...moving ever so slowly out of the valley of grief.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

You Can't Make This Shit Up

It's amazing what a difference (less than) 24 hours can make!  Last Sunday evening was an "adventure" or shall I say--a disaster.  Sometimes I cannot believe this is my life.  My friends have encouraged me to share my story because they think even Lucy isn't this funny.  So below is my story.  It is all true.  So enjoy and feel free to laugh at me, at my adventures, because seriously, I can't make this shit up!

Once again this year, bats have paid me their annual visit. Dan was home for the weekend and Friday night he heard them outside my bedroom window. So I did what I've learned to do...close the window so I can't hear them or fear them somehow coming in through the screen!  Saturday night, Dan and I sat outside to watch them come out from behind the shutter.  Counted about 36 of them. Yup, you read that right!  The truth is, they don't bother me if they stay outside.  They say they eat about 1,000 mosquitoes in one night...so with 36 of them, the mosquito population around my house is significantly reduced!  But I'm keeping an eye on them!!

Sunday evening, after Dan had left, I was watering my flowers.  As I returned the hanging basket on the front deck to its hook, I felt a sharp pain in my wrist and realized I was stung by a bee.  I could hear bees buzzing but as I looked around the eaves of the house and the hanging basket I could not see any bees nest.  I then thought to look under the front deck and sure enough that is where I found a large yellow jacket nest under the deck. So I sprayed the snot out of that as dusk arrived.  Some bees were still swarming outside the nest, so I stood outside and watched the bats come out from behind the shutter while I waited for it to get a little darker.  Count some bats, check some bees...

Just before bedtime I noticed a spider on the ceiling in the kitchen.  I don't like spiders in my house and so if I see one--they get squished right away.  I don't need them hanging over my head ready to drop on me!  So I reach up with my bad left arm (not thinking), the spider drops, and I flinch causing a shooting pain in my arm.  I didn't think too much of it because just a couple weeks ago I was diagnosed with calcified tendinitis in that shoulder and I just started physical therapy on Thursday.  So I took a couple ibuprofen and went to bed.
Well the pain only only got worse and I couldn't sleep.  I remember when Ed had shoulder pain he would sometimes sleep in the recliner because sitting up relieved the pressure on the shoulder.  So I went downstairs around 1 am to try sleeping in the recliner.

I heard a noise a couple times in the kitchen. I finally decide to go check it out. Did I just see something fly by? Yup! A freakin' bat is in the house! Now I'm not totally surprised because at least one, if not two, bats have gotten into the house every July for the past 3 years, why would this year be any different?

I tried to coax him out.  I opened the slider door and screen.  The bat should "sense" the air and go towards it.  Nope...he just keeps flying around and around.  In the meantime, I'm hoping none of the other 35 bats outside decide to fly in the open door!  I put a fan in front of the door--again to draw the cooler outside air in so the bat will sense it.  Nope...he goes into the hallway and disappears.  As I look up the stairwell, there he is flying around upstairs.  I close the slider and doors to rooms on the first floor.  Thankfully I had air conditioners upstairs running so some doors were already closed off.  I bravely go up the stairs to find him, hoping he does not decide to swoop down the stairwell at the same time.

He's flying around in Dan's room.  Now one option is to go into Dan's room and open a window, remove the screen, and maybe he'll fly out the window.  Yeah right... And it's not a large room so it would be like playing Frogger trying to get into the room and to the window without the bat swooping at my head!  So I wait in the hallway and watch him.  He's not coming out.  So I go downstairs to get the bug zapper racket that Dan had bought Ed years ago (and Dan was playing with over the weekend) and head back upstairs.  I'm not quite sure why I got the racket other than to protect myself as I headed upstairs by placing the racket in front of my face.

Now mind you, all of this is happening with a bad left shoulder/arm that I can't move!  I again watch the bat hoping he will get back downstairs...closer to the slider and into a larger space.  He comes out into the hallway and swoops into the stairwell but instead of going downstairs, he returns back to the hallway.  For whatever reason, he flew low to the ground...his mistake.  Whack!  He's down!  Whack! Whack! Whack!!!  Until he's not moving...or rather, until the racket has broken into many pieces!!

I leave parts of the racket covering him and go and get the real tennis racket downstairs and return to give him a few more whacks.  (Sidebar...and I'm sorry...anyone who feels bats should be protected and that I shouldn't have killed him, can next time come over to my house at 1 am and "coax" him out.  But after trying to coax him and him not leaving, sorry, the bastard is going to die!!)

So now I can't sleep due to the pain and keeping my eyes open for more bats!  After getting about a total of an hour's worth of sleep that night, on Monday morning I call my doctor regarding my shoulder.  I have no range of motion and I describe the pain as an 8 on the famous 0-10 scale. I end up getting a cortisone shot.  He hopes this will relieve the pain within a few days.

I also bang on the bedroom wall by the shutter where the bats were.  No squeaking or rustling noises.  They have moved on.  Just like they did last year.  They stay for a couple days, 1-2 decide to come inside for a visit, and then they move on and are gone.  Those damn shutters are coming down though before next July.  Maybe that will deter them and they will find some other place to hang out for a couple days.  They definitely didn't use the bat house that I hung up for them this year on a tree away from the house.  Nope...they like my damn shutter! And the bees are gone...at least in that spot.

And just remember...this all happened in less than a 12 hour period of time!!  You just can't make this shit up!!

The remains of the racket.  Sorry Dan...I'll buy you a new one.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Finding Happiness Within

It's a quiet Sunday morning.  My feelings are unsettled as they are most days.  Somehow, I'm continuing to get up every day and move through this so-called life of mine.  I am still puzzled by the fact that Ed is gone and that it has been over two years.  At times it feels like yesterday and at other times it feels like a lifetime ago.  Was what we had, all those years, real or a dream?  Is today some surreal dream and at some point I'll wake up and be back to my old life?  I pinch myself...nope, it's real.

I sit here and realize I can talk about my loneliness and sadness and how I feel like I am in some kind of "Groundhog Day" movie.  I am perplexed by what my life should be--what is my purpose for being on this Earth.

But this morning, as I sit on my back deck writing this, I will find peace in my surroundings and be thankful for what I have and not focus on what I have lost.  I am surrounded by the quiet of my back yard.  I smile at the flowers that are growing, even the flower pot that I arranged doesn't look half bad.  The vegetable garden is taking off and we had our first cucumber from it yesterday.  Dan came home this weekend and I so appreciate that he is close enough to come home every so often and that we can just enjoy hanging out together.  I am lucky enough to afford redoing the kitchen.  I have a good job that, yes, at times stresses me out.  But it also challenges me and enables me to work with some great colleagues and, most importantly, allows me to support myself.   That I have not been financially devastated when Ed passed, I am thankful for.  I have our house.  I can pay the bills.  I can afford to do home improvements.

So although this is not the life I had planned for myself. I will survive.  But I do wonder if that is what life is all about, simply surviving.  I don't think so.  I want to find happiness.  Do I have happy moments and days?  Absolutely.  Do I love life....not necessarily.  And that is what I want back.

But for now, I just need to continue to figure out this life of mine and find the happiness within...by myself, for myself.

In the quiet of a Sunday morning.  In the flowers that brighten my yard.  In the garden where I will harvest vegetables grown by my own hands.  And in the love and happy moments with family and friends.

How can this not make you smile?

I actually made this arrangement.  This was always Ed's area of specialty.  I think he'd be proud.  I am.

The garden is doing well.  I learned to plant less to avoid overcrowding.
The new kitchen which I am very happy with!


Wednesday, June 24, 2015

It's a strange trip I'm on...

Life continues at a fast pace that I find hard to keep up with at times.  Time continues to pass way too quickly.  How did we end up at the end of June?  Wasn't it just May?  What happened to the winter when I had plans to complete so many projects?  Well, I know what happened to the winter.  And somehow spring turned immediately into summer.  The weather has admittedly been weird and I find myself wearing sweats one day and shorts the next.  Spring and summer all mixed up into one.

The days continue and I find the points of missing Ed and being "sad" fewer.  I contribute part of this to the fact that I feel life is just so crazy--just not enough time to miss him.  At other times, I'm sadden that days can go by without missing him.  I guess I'm moving on which supposedly, I'm told, is a good thing.  But even as I realize that, I feel my eyes dampening because there's always an underlying fear of forgetting--forgetting him, his voice, his touch, his love.  The rational side of me knows this will never happen, but grief is not always rational.

But yes life is busy.  Work continues to be busy, never feeling like I'm on top of things and I have come to grips with the fact that this is now the new normal.  I do have times when I do get too stressed out about feeling behind at work and at home, but I'm working hard to try to let certain things go.

There is yard work that I wish I had done already, but I'm learning to accept the fact that not everything must get done.  If the flower bed is not perfectly weeded or the lawn ornaments or furniture is not all out, it will not be the end of the world.

The kitchen renovation is moving along and we are getting closer to being done.  I know once that is complete, I can return some order to my physical space as well.  I'm thinking that will help with not only my physical chaos but also the accompanying mental chaos....at least that's what I'm telling myself!!

I'm learning that spending time with family and friends and finding ways to fit time in with them is more important than having a perfectly groomed lawn or clean house.  This past weekend I had nothing on my calendar so I was planning a long list of "to do's" around the house.  But at the last minute, I ended up heading to RI to visit a friend.  That spontaneous trip ended up eating up half my weekend, and guess what?  The world did not end because I didn't get everything else done on my list.

And I know I've said this before, but it's a reminder that when Ed was here, he was my best friend and it was easy to maintain that relationship--we lived together and saw each other every day!  But now that he is gone, I need to devote time to maintaining the new friendships I've made these past two years.  For these friends have become my support network and and an important part of my life.

It is still difficult for me to say "life is good" in general.  But there are certainly "good" times and I can recognize these and be thankful for them.  I'm still trying to navigate each day and figure out what the next chapter of my life is supposed to be.

June 16th would have been mine and Ed's 31st wedding anniversary and the day came and went without too much emotion.  Yes, I paused and remembered and had fond memories of our wedding day and the fun we had sharing the day with family and friends.  But I did not take the day off from work so I was distracted with a typical workday.  I had a doctor's appointment and met a friend for dinner.  So yes, life is moving on and I'm learning to move with it.

I know I miss companionship and that special someone who thinks of you when they wake in the morning and before they go to bed at night.  Someone who cares where I am and what I'm doing and how I'm feeling.  Someone to share special moments with and who can lift me up when I'm down.  Will I ever have that again?  I don't know.  Part of me is open to the idea.  Part of me also knows I was blessed to have had that for 31 years with Ed when some people never have that.  And part of me is also learning how to appreciate my "alone" time and independently making decisions.

So I don't have all the answers yet and there are days when I struggle more than others to navigate this life of mine.  But I'm appreciating my job (even when it's stressful) because it affords me the life I'm living and I'm doing okay financially even without having Ed's income.  I'm appreciating my family and friends and the different ways they fit into my life.  And I appreciate my home and the long list of "to do's" that comes with it because I'm being responsible and caring for our family home.

Yes, I still miss Ed tremendously and not a day goes by when I don't think of him because I do start and end each day telling him I still miss and love him.  But I do find that I can move through my day and begin to enjoy life without simultaneously grieving him.

And this strange trip called life that I'm on continues...

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Absence

I apologize for my absence...no good reason except that life has been a bit nutty lately.  Sometimes a good nutty and sometimes not.  Of course, the more time that passes, the worse I feel about not being in touch.  So I decided this morning, even if my thoughts are not well organized, to simply provide an update of the past month.  There have been some fun times in there and it would be so wrong not to capture those.  So in no particular order....

Mom
The month of May was more routine in terms of my mother's health and care.  We continued IV antibiotics daily through May 27th.  Unfortunately she was not even off the Vanco for a day before she got a call that she was slightly anemic and needed a blood transfusion.  So that was scheduled for June 3rd.  We had an appointment that day to get her mini Hickman removed.  Needless to say, we postponed that!  On June 10th, we went to Cooley to get her Hickman removed.  The interventional radiology doc was called away on an emergency so we decided to run another errand while there and stopped in the coffee shop for some breakfast while waiting.  It was me, my mother, and my sister Cathy.  The ladies in the coffee shop remembered us from one of our previous visits.  I guess we leave quite an impression on people!!

We finally saw the Doc and because the Hickman had been in for over 4 months, he was not able to easily pull it out and he was unable to do the procedure that afternoon.  We made another appointment for Friday morning, June 12th.  That same day we noticed Mom's shoulder was red (the shoulder that had the MRSA).  So Mom, being the determined, independent woman she is, called her primary care who saw her right away.  Blood work and an appointment with Mom's infectious disease doc were ordered.

Yesterday, we were off again--me, my mother, and Cathy--to Dr. Swiggard's.  Diagnosis--yes, inflammatory markers are up--oral antibiotics twice a day.  Removal of the Hickman has been rescheduled to June 22.  This is, I believe, will be the 4th attempt!

Dr. Swiggard thinks we caught this early so we're thankful Mom acted quickly.  Overall, Mom is feeling good and is living quite independently.  She drives, does her shopping, cleans her house, does some light gardening, and has many projects around the house.  We try to keep her from climbing up on counters and using the weed whacker, and once in a while she will "allow" us to help.  So although we had hoped we'd be done with antibiotics, we are at least done with the IVs and for that we are grateful.

On one of my trips to see the doctor.


Kitchen Renovation
Yes, this title is correct.  As if my life doesn't have enough chaos in it, I am in the middle of a kitchen renovation.  Ed and I talked about redoing the kitchen 5 years ago but never got around to it.  Dan and I have talked about it over the past 2 years and last year I made the decision that this year would be the year.  So I found a contractor and gave him the open timeframe of "anytime this year".  Well, once you hire a contractor, things move quickly (at least they did for me)!

I was lucky to have Dan who did the design.  No major reconstruction, but new cabinets, counter tops, replacement windows, flooring, and some work in the dining room area.  Then it was all the decisions in terms of cabinets, counter tops, flooring, lighting, etc.  Little by little everything was ordered.  Then it was packing up the kitchen and dining room.  And last Wednesday, June 3rd, the contractor began!  Now anyone who has ever had a kitchen renovation knows very well, and which I have learned since last Wednesday, this has added a layer of chaos to my life.  The kitchen table with the microwave, Keurig (of course), and toaster oven are all in the living room right now.  The bathroom is where I can wash whatever dishes I might have.  It's moving right along though and for now, as a teaser, I'll just post a "before" and early progress picture.



Some Fun in Between
During the past month, I have been able to fit in some fun.

In early May I met some fellow "wid" friends at Gouveia Winery in Wallingford, CT.  It was a beautiful spring day and we enjoyed some good conversation, food, and laughter.









In mid May, as part of our combination Mother's Day/Dan's birthday celebration, Dan and I went to "The Great New England Air Show" at Westover in Chicopee.  We were only planning to go one day but then won VIP tickets for the second day.  The VIP tickets got us into the Galaxy Garden where they had a tent, seating, and food and drink all day long!  It was a hot day so we really appreciated the shade under the tent and the continuous access to bottled water.





In late May, I took a day trip to Westerly, RI.  I did stop at Foxwoods on my way down and played a little slots.  Then I met up with a friend who lives in Westerly and we spent the afternoon at the Virtu Art Festival that is held annually in Wilcox Park.  We had a nice day browsing the festival, meeting family members, and then sitting in the park having a nice lunch while listening to a local singer perform.  Later in the day, we went over to the beach.  It was windy and cool but I couldn't possibly be within a few miles of the ocean and not see it!!  All in all, a very nice, relaxing day.

Foxwoods!

Wilcox Park, Westerly

Sitting enjoying lunch and listening to music.

Yarn bombing--one of the trees in Wilcox Park

Misquamicut!!  My favorite place on earth!!


And on a recent weekend, I drove out to Beverly where Dan and I picked up the new kitchen island he made (with his friend Nate).  Although picking up the island itself was not fun, Dan and I did have lunch together at Cook--a restaurant his firm redid--and then we stopped to see the current project he is overseeing.  It's very impressive to see the work he does!

Cook.  Where we had lunch.



Dan's current project.  Will be a mix of commercial space and luxury apartments.


DLA Architecture--That's Dan!!

So life has been busy.  Life has been good.  There have been times when I'm stressed and the burden of juggling work, home, and everything else becomes too much.  But there isn't time to waste on that.  Instead I focus on trying to spend time with friends and family and where I can, I squeeze in some "fun" moments.  It's hard to believe it's mid-June already.  I am still waiting for spring.  But somehow we've jumped from winter to summer.

As I finish this post, Dan is outside mowing and I'm so grateful when he's here to help.  He has already hung up the bat house that my brother Michael had made, but my mother and him could never seem to attract bats.  I'm hoping by hanging up the bat house, my annual visit with bats will keep them outside the house!  Only time will tell!

Well, I have a long list of to do's for today, so I must signoff.  I will end this post with some random photos.  I will try to be much better at updating this blog.  In the meantime, I hope you're all enjoying the start of summer! 


Love my "beach" themed crackle candle shade!


The Pileated woodpecker has been hanging around and spent a good half hour digging into an old tree stump.

My sea glass wind chime.  An expected gift on Mother's Day from one of my BFFs!

The rain barrel and table that Dan made for me!


Sunday, May 3, 2015

Surviving a Health Event

I'm not quite sure what I was thinking, but clearly I wasn't when I scheduled oral surgery for April 23rd, the day after Ed's sadiversary.  It was originally scheduled for February but due to my mother's health and care, I had to postpone a couple times.  As a wid friend said to me (yes, that's how we refer to each other, "wids"), "at least you get all your pain out of the way all at one time."  So true, since mixed up in with my grief of missing Ed and all the memories of each day two years ago, I added to that the sadness and fear of needing to go through this procedure by myself, with no one here to care for me or be by my side.

The procedure was a soft tissue graft to repair the gum near one tooth that had been damaged many years before.  I stocked up on soft foods and liquids which my diet would consist of for about 7-10 days.  On the day of the procedure I drove myself to and from the appointment.

No big deal until I got home and the Novocaine wore off.  I thought I was going to die and I wondered if this is the type of pain Ed tolerated in his last days.  It was awful and I couldn't distinguish if my tears were from the shear pain or that I was alone having to deal with it.  But I didn't have to wait long before the Vicodin kicked in and the intense pain subsided.

I spent the next several days at home resting, icing, eating lots of Italian ice and no talking.  They had said to limit talking and now I know why.  It definitely hurt more when I talked.  So a benefit of living alone...I was able to not talk at all for several days!

I am now 10 days past the procedure.  The last couple days have been more difficult than I expected until it was pointed out to me that I had been taking 800 mg of ibuprofen, three times a day, for the past week.  A single, over the counter, ibuprofen is 200 mg.  So taking one of those, once a day was definitely not doing the trick!  Once I increased the dosage (just yesterday), I began to feel much better.

Last night Dan and I went to a 40th birthday celebration for my niece Missy.  For the first time in 10 days I ate solid food!  I felt human again and the food was so good.  And I enjoyed carrying on conversations and talking with others without constant pain.  I'll be getting together with some wid friends today for more food and camaraderie.  I am probably overdoing it this weekend, but it will be worth it.

My first major health event since Ed passed and I survived.  I had friends and family in the wings if I needed any help.  But I didn't need it and I survived.

Now on to the next adventure which hopefully is less painful...we're redoing our kitchen!  But that's a story for another day...

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Two Year Sadiversary: A Note to Ed

I awoke this morning and the quiet and stillness in the house reminded me so much of those first days two years ago.  I feel the emptiness much more today.  I feel restless unsure of what to do with myself.  I want to pause and take the time to remember and honor you and feel my feelings.  At the same time, I have created a mental list in my head of all the things I could and should do with this day off.

Yes, I took the day off from work because I cannot imagine going to work, getting lost in the hustle and bustle of the day and fretting over unimportant things and not taking the time to stop and remember and honor you.  And I also know that others fretting over some deadline or pressuring me because they need some piece of critical information could set me off.  Because they would not know how unimportant these things really are.  That the important thing is the loved ones in your life.  But they would not know that today in particular my heart would be aching a bit more than usual and the tears would be so near the edge of my eyes ready to burst at the wrong word or comment.  So best not to torture those with some unexpected, crazy widow reaction, and stay home.

And being home, in our home, what we built together, wraps me in comfort and love.  The life we built together that I took for granted most days, I now cherish every memory.

I am still not quite sure how I will spend my day.  I know I will bring flowers to your grave and sit with you a while.  I don't necessarily feel closer to you there, but the grave is your final resting place and I feel a sense of obligation to care for it and watch over it and you.

Dan called last night and we chatted for quite a bit about the day.  Just everyday conversation and we don't talk often so it was a nice treat.  After we hung up and I went to sit down in your recliner, it was then that it hit me how we were spending our time together two years ago.  For although April 22nd is the day you passed, you died around 1:30 AM.  So it was the day before that was the last day Dan and I spent with you.  And it was the evening of April 21st that Dan and I said our last good-nights to you and came home.  We knew the end was near and we struggled in deciding whether to leave the hospital that night.

And it dawned on me that the day of April 22nd, two years ago, was about making phone calls and arrangements.  We were busy once again with "to do" lists and needing to get things done.  But it was the night before, the evening of April 21st, that were our last moments together.  I called Dan back last night and we shared memories of those last days and that last evening.  We shared what we remembered and we talked like we did that same evening two years ago.  And last night, Dan was there to support me, to allow me to cry and be sad, just like you asked him to do two years ago.

You always wondered if he ever really listened to you when you tried to teach him or coach him.  You know, that "in one ear, out the other".  Well, I can't speak to all those years throughout his childhood, but I can tell you he did listen and remember what you had to say those last days of your life.  He has been there to support me and be my rock and I know I am blessed to have him.  He is your legacy and I am forever grateful that you live on in him.

I love you Ed and miss you with all my heart every day but I do pause and remember you in particular on this sadiversary.



Sunday, April 19, 2015

Another April 19th

Today is a day of mixed emotions.  I awoke to the sun shining and a clear blue sky.  Another beautiful day. 

Yesterday I attended the baptism of a friend's new granddaughter.  And another friend was there with her grand kids.  It was a "nice" day and a beautiful celebration.  But there were moments when my heart ached as I looked at their happy families.  My friends have their husbands and now together they are celebrating being grandparents.  And it hurts that Ed and I will never share this.  That Ed will never know this joy and I will never be able to share it with him.  Do they know how lucky they are? But I kept my hurt and heartache buried, because that's what you do.  You don't want to ruin their
special day.  And it was a nice day and the baby was beautiful and everyone had a good time.  So I can enjoy myself and smile on the outside while deep down my heart is aching and filled with sadness.

Today is April 19th...I hate April 19th.  First, it's my brother Michael's birthday.  He would have been 54 this year but he will be forever 51, passing just shy of his 52nd birthday.  I am now older than my big brother.  It's not supposed to be this way.  And it makes me sad because I also know this day, in particular, is hard for my mother.  For only those who have lost someone so close to them, who you lived with every day, can understand.  A day does not go by that you don't remember and miss them.  But on these milestone days, the hurt and ache is just that much more.  So I wish I could ease my mother's pain today as well but I know I can't.  What I can do instead is remember and honor my brother and speak his name.

It was also two years ago, on April 19th, when I officially signed Ed onto hospice.  We did it together, but I signed the paperwork.  The day we raised the white surrender flag.  On that same day, Dan was held up in his apartment while the area where he lived was in lock down as they hunted down the Boston Marathon bombing suspect.  Dan would be delayed in coming home that weekend.  And I remember praying that Ed would not pass on Mike's birthday...it was already a painful day.  Little did I know that this just prolonged the grieving--each milestone just repeats the pain.  Maybe it would have been better to be on the same day, like pulling the band-aid off, just get all your grieving over in one day.

But Ed had to wait for Dan to come home one more time.  And he did.  Dan came home on the 20th and less than two days later Ed passed.  Over the past two years I've also learned that the grieving doesn't go away.  You have these milestones such as Michael's birthday, when you do need to stop and honor the person.  On all the other days of the year, you instead say a little prayer as you start your day and remember them in small ways as you go about your day.  Because you never forget and the grief never goes away.  You just learn how to live with it...

Happy Birthday Mike!

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Treadmill of Life

That's what it feels like.  Day in and day out.  Same thing every day.  Work, home, responsibilities.  The treadmill doesn't seem to stop.  On one hand I should be thankful. It keeps going.  On the other, I would like to try to break up the monotony.  But as hard as I try, I can't.   I even made plans last week to have a "fun" day.  To take an entire day and go away with friends and have fun and that did not come to fruition.  So even when I try, I can't get off this stupid treadmill.

Some days I wonder if this is now my life.  Nothing to look forward to.  Nothing planned.  But somehow my calendar is full, but more with responsibilities.  Oh how I just want to get away.  Go somewhere where I can relax and laugh and not pay attention to everything I need to be doing or should be doing.

But as much as I say that, I also know I am a little obsessed with getting things done that are on my list.  Part of me is annoyed because "my list" lately consists only of the routine, every day things that must get done--laundry, housecleaning, paying bills, etc.  I want to start making progress on some larger projects around the house, but there never seems to be enough time to do that.  I just need more time in my day.  There are times when I wish I didn't work so much (but I can't afford to quit my job) and there are times when I wish I could just take a couple months off to try to get ahead (but again not realistic).  I want to spend more time with my friends.  I want to do more fun things.  Just how do I make that happen?  I can't seem to get off this treadmill which has become my life.

I realize part of this is my own fault because I would consider myself a responsible person.  I put first the things I "should" do and that is not necessarily always what I might "want" to do.  And I know that this is a good quality because I want to be considered reliable and dependable and to be there for others.  As an adult, we have responsibilities and sometimes we need to just suck it up and deal.  And we never know if tomorrow will come and so being there for others who are counting on you is important and I guess as much as I may tire, I would never change that.

I just wish I had more time.  But the treadmill just keeps going, and I keep plodding along.  I'm just not making any forward progress...


Sunday, March 22, 2015

Good Sunday Morning

Sometimes you just have to capture the moment.

I usually find myself posting when I'm having a tough day.  The emotions are more raw and I find posting on this blog therapeutic.  This morning, though, I am posting while I'm feeling good and I thought to myself "let's capture this moment for a change."

So here I am on a Sunday morning, having slept in, now enjoying a nice cup of Starbucks coffee from the Keurig.  I love that Keurig...something that I thought was a splurge but Ed liked the idea of flavored coffee in the morning and so he bought it and we both enjoyed it together for over a year.  Yes, morning coffee was a bit more expensive than our regular pot of drip coffee, but sometimes in life, it's the simple pleasures.  And I tend to be more frugal but Ed taught me that you do need to splurge once in a while to treat ourselves.

I love mornings like today when I can start the day at a slower pace with no where to rush off to.  I sit at the kitchen table, reading the paper, and the sun pours in through the sliders.  The sky is a clear blue; not a cloud in sight.  The start to a beautiful day.  Yes, it is windy and cold out but I'm warm and happy in my home...the home that Ed and I built together...full of warmth, full of memories, full of love.  And I feel comforted and happy.

I spent the day yesterday with my mother and we had a good day.  Time just seems to fly by.  She's doing so well to regain her independence.  My time with her was less about taking care of her, but rather doing chores around the house (things that she is not yet able to do herself) and spending time with her.  She taught me about investments, we tried to fix the Netbook computer (but gave up), and then I cooked dinner and we enjoyed sharing a meal together.  I am so thankful that she is doing better every day and I remember to be thankful for each day we have together.

I also have some great friends that I've made on my widow journey.  As much as I wish I was never part of this group, these friends have been my life line.  Yes, there are times I wish I didn't need these friends and we all get it when we say to each other that we wish we had never met.  But each one of them, in different ways, brings happiness and joy to my life and I'm thankful for that.  Some days it makes me sad because the only friend I really want is Ed.  But as I said, today is good day, and my friends make me smile and bring happiness to my life.

So I'm off to continue my day and I pray it continues to go well.  I'm going to finish my coffee, do chores around the house while the Holyoke St. Patrick's Day parade is on the TV in the background and try to maintain this mood.

I hope you have a good day as well!

Below are some pictures that make me smile...

My Orchid from Dan.  I got it to bloom again!!  So pretty and so proud of myself!!

Mom's dog Shaina is now home with her and the two of them are so happy to be reunited!!
Shaina is such a good dog!

Love my new candle shade from my sister Marion.  And the green is perfect for St. Patty's Day!!

When you celebrate Christmas a month before Easter, then you can have an Easter Tree!
This is Mom's Christmas tree with plastic eggs on it!  Merry Easter!!!




My Story

Lately I find myself moving through the days, being with others, laughing, and living life. Days pass quickly and grief, sadness, and feelin...