I Miss You

God I miss you.

I miss that you were not with me when I went to Niagara Falls with my mother and sisters. I know you are happy that I'm doing things and seeing new things but I still want to do these things with you and share these special moments and times with you. Instead the photos are of me, alone, and the small moments when I want to turn to you and comment, I have to do so in silence.

I miss that you are not here to take care of me while I've had this rotten cold for two weeks. If you were here, I'd come home to a nice cooked meal and would be able to just rest while you took care of me. I cooked my own meals and cared for myself. It wasn't much, but I survived even though I didn't like it.

I miss that you weren't here to deal with the power surge that fried all the surge protectors in the house. I wonder if you were here if we would have called the fire department. I did because I wanted to be sure nothing was smoldering in the walls. In all the years we lived here, though, nothing like this happened. Why does it have to happen now that you are not here and I need to deal with it alone? I know you would be proud that I did deal with it though.

I miss that you weren't here to help move Dan to his new apartment. I know you are proud that we were able to do it ourselves. The last time, you were here to lead us. I remember you arranging for the rental truck and driving that out to Dan's new apartment while I followed in my car. This time, Dan dealt with the rental truck and I followed him. Thankfully his two good friends helped us move so they helped with the heavy lifting that you did last time. I spent the night and Dan and I unpacked things together. I know you would be proud that we made the move happen and that it makes you smile that your son takes such good care of his mother. He did listen to you that last day.

I miss that you aren't here to see how lovely the yard looks and that I'm taking good care of it since you've been gone. I did all the leaf pickup yesterday by myself. How I miss when we used to do it together. I hope you see this and smile that I'm taking care of the yard that used to be your thing. I just wish we could be doing it together like we used to....sharing the burden.

I cleaned up wires behind the TV yesterday too. I'm quite sure if you were here, that would have not happened. Electronics were your thing and I wouldn't touch them. Of course, if you were here, you would have already gotten me a new laptop to replace the one that died over a month ago.

The bulb in the bathroom burned out the other day. I went to replace it and noticed the blue paint on it. Blue paint from the last time you painted the bathroom. And it was then that I realized that bulb has survived more than 4 years...it was from "before". As I threw out that bulb, I felt like another part of you was leaving this house. A stupid bulb but a bulb that you touched and that has outlived you.

Yesterday as I put away the laundry, I organized your sock drawer. Socks that I have kept to wear when working in the yard. No woman needs so many socks, but I can't part with them. As I organized the drawer, I found your old wallets. Ones that you kept in the back of the drawer and I have kept them there. I looked through them yesterday...old credit cards, health insurance cards, and little scraps of paper with notes or phone numbers in your handwriting. The photo of you on the BJ's membership card caused me to pause and I pondered how could you really be gone. How can a person exist one moment, living life in such a normal way as needing a BJ's card, and then that life is gone, as if they never existed.  And I pondered the meaning of life as I tucked those wallets back into the drawer. They were a part of you that I cannot let go. 

God I miss you. I wish we had more days and times to spend together. I've learned how much I hate this life without you and I've learned how I can do things on my own, without you.  Can you come back now?  I've learned my lesson. I've learned to cherish each day and the menial tasks we did together, the banter at the end of the day, the labor we shared... I know you are proud that I'm figuring things out. I've learned so much but now I just want you back.  I do not want to go through the rest of my life alone.

God I miss you...

Five Birthdays Without You and Solitaire

Yesterday I "celebrated" my fifth birthday without you. It is difficult to wrap my brain around the fact that it's been almost 4.5 yrs; even harder to believe I've had 5 birthdays since you were here.

Five birthdays where you weren't here to recognize the day in some special way. You always made me feel special. At some level, you've done me a disservice because now that you are not here to do this, I'm disappointed more times than not.

I recall how you always had flowers for me. You would have them delivered to work and when I told you to stop spending the money to have them delivered, you would delivery them personally instead. We would always do something together whether it was a simple dinner at home or taking a day trip together. It didn't have to be big, it was just time together.  Gifts were not extravagant but simple gestures of the simple things I enjoy such as a favorite candy or chocolate.

The first birthday you were gone, Dan sent me flowers at work. He is such a good son and he tries hard to make my day special. This is not an easy feat for someone who doesn't see the big deal about birthdays. Last year was a miserable birthday. Plans to spend time with Dan and friends totally fell through due to the weather and I ended up spending the entire weekend home alone...miserable and disappointed.

I wasn't going to let that happen this year. There once again were plans to spend the day with Dan and friends. A group of 11 of us were going hiking...I was so looking forward to it. But the other half of our group had to cancel unexpectedly. Thankfully Dan, Nate and I still went hiking. It rained the entire time...but I could tell Dan was not going to allow me to spend the day alone. So we went hiking. He bought me a small cake with plans to light the candles at the summit of the mountain. Instead he did it in the rain under the hatchback of the car and him and Nate sang Happy Birthday to me.  I was so touched.  We then topped the day off by having lunch together in a quaint restaurant in NH.

I went home that evening smiling and being ever so thankful for having Dan in my life. I wish you were here to see how great Dan has been to me. I am so lucky and blessed to have him in my life and you would be so proud at what a fine man he has grown into. If it wasn't for him, I don't know if I could go on.

These last few weeks have been very difficult for me. I can't put my finger on specifically why and I guess it really doesn't matter. I wish you were here to talk through it with me though. There are times when I feel so alone in this world, a feeling I never experienced because you were always at my side. I feel like a stranger in my own life. There is no one to talk to, to confide my deepest feelings to. I fear that my future will be as empty as my life feels today. I try to put myself out there and do things, but although there are smiles, there is not happiness.

Dan made me happy yesterday and for that I'm thankful.

People tell me how lucky I am and that I have a good life. I know, in my head, that I am lucky to have family and friends, a roof over my head, a good job, food on my table, etc.  But my heart is empty.

I've taken to playing Solitaire lately. The irony does not escape me...

Off on our hike in the rain. I love this kid more than life itself.

Just the thought makes me smile! :)