Someone told me that all the milestones of the first year are the toughest. That you need to get through each one without your loved one and then the second year gets easier. Someone else said that it's not the milestone itself but rather the time leading up to the milestone that is most difficult.
Both are true. Last week was a tough week for me. At the time I couldn't figure out why but I was so teary and could not talk about Ed without crying. The weekend itself, and the milestone itself, was an "okay" day but I wasn't an emotional wreck--at least not anymore than usual.
Dan and I decided to stay home yesterday. We weren't going to plan anything other than to just stay home and spend time together. This was the best way to honor Ed because Ed liked being home and just spending time together.
Did I miss Ed during the day? Of course. In terms of our anniversary, I just miss how special Ed always made me feel. He spoiled me. Not in big ways but in small ways. He always bought me flowers for our anniversary. In fact, he bought them for every occasion--anniversary, birthday, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day. And if these occasions fell on a workday, he had the flowers delivered to work. In recent years, I told him not to be spending money to have flowers delivered, so he took it upon himself to purchase and deliver them to work. And he always bought two bouquets so that there would be a second one at home. Yes, I was spoiled but I knew it. He was so thoughtful and always let me know how much he loved me. The flowers have since died but I do still have the cards we exchanged. They expressed the love that we may or may not have been able to say directly. Those I cherish.
I don't know how Dan felt about Father's Day. He's a man of few words, like his father. But what I do know is that Father's Day is an empty holiday now. I had lost my father 24 years ago, Ed's father passed 22 years ago, and now Dan has lost his father. And I find I don't like these Hallmark holidays. Because for those of us without our fathers or mothers or grandparents or whatever holiday is being recognized, it is not a joyful day but rather you realize what you're missing. Maybe someday Dan will be a father and then this will be a day to celebrate with happiness once again. But for now, it's not. It's just a reminder of what we've lost.
And I'm glad and sad that these two milestones are now behind us. But unfortunately, I begin to look ahead at what is the next milestone we need to make it through. And so the wise woman who said it's the time leading up to the milestone that is the hardest, was right. Each milestone marks a passage of time. Time without Ed. Time where my heart still is heavy. But I try to remember the good times. And I'm thankful for the time with Dan and that he was home this weekend to help us both get through these latest milestones.
 |
| For Father's Day, Dan cooked on the grill in honor of Ed. And we cooked more meat than we could eat since that's what Ed always did too! |
No comments:
Post a Comment