Finding Joy

Yesterday was a tough day but what did I expect?  The burial itself was brief (as they usually are) and was just with family.  As we prayed for Mike my thoughts turned to Ed and Larry as well.  That at that exact time, Mary and her family were praying over Larry.  And I thought about Ed and how he was quite busy trying to be there for both Mike and Larry and me and Mary at the same time and that he must be torn trying to be in two places at once as well.  As I felt the breeze that brought minor relief from the heat, I liked to think it was Ed letting me know he was there.

As Fr. Shaun shared prayerful words about God and death and new life, my heart ached.  As we were getting ready to leave, a funeral procession came into the cemetery and I was numb as I realized once again that death touches so many, every day. Someone said "they are now at peace" and it's funny, in a weird kind of way, but I never doubted that they were peace and that they are in a better place.  What I find elusive is my peace.  For my heart aches every day and I'm restless.

So Dan tells me he doesn't like to read my blog.  That it's too depressing and sad.  When he says this, I respond that it's just truth--it's what I'm feeling and I can't change that.  And to sugar coat it or pretend, would not be right.

I wish I could write about happy things and that is what makes me the saddest.  For up until mid-March, my life was pretty darn good.  I look back at the blog post for March 9th, the day before Mike died.  I wrote about the beautiful, sunny day and the bloom on my Hibiscus.  Simple things that I found such joy in.  And since then, the joy has been elusive.  I have never experienced such depth of sadness.  I try to avoid it by keeping busy with chores.  And then I get resentful because I spend all my time taking care of everything by myself, especially those things that Ed used to take care of.  And then I can so easily feel cheated and that life is not fair.  But, if I'm strong enough, I'll also remind myself how lucky we were to have 30+ years together and that Ed made me so happy.  And, if I'm really honest, if it wasn't so good, it wouldn't hurt so bad.

And I know being around others is supposed to be good.  But I have to tell you that I am finding it exhausting as well.  Friends hug and ask how I'm doing.  I respond "okay".  I remember after Ed's diagnosis, over the years people frequently asked how he was doing and I would always respond "he's doing really good, can't complain".  I was not one to dump burdens on others and Ed and I never aired our dirty laundry.  I would like to think I always was positive and cheerful.  That "half glass full" kind of gal.  But I can't even fake that right now.

But to help appease Dan, what happiness can I write about today?  The fact that Dan is home--it brightens my day more than anything else in the world.  I am so blessed to have him in my life.  And as I see the neighbors get ready for today's high school graduation party, I remember Dan's graduation parties (both high school and college) and I'm thankful for those happy days as well.  For, overall, with the exception of the past few months, life has been good to us.  Even with Ed's cancer diagnosis, we had three years where we appreciated each day.  We had time together, both as a couple and as a family, that we may not have treasured as much if we didn't have the "C-word" hanging over our heads.  We realized anything we did could be the last time and so we made choices based on that.  We choice time together whether it was simply sharing a meal, watching a movie or TV show, or taking vacations together.  We knew the importance of together time and so I smile and I'm thankful for that.  And as much as it was frustrating for Dan, I am so grateful for last year when he was back home and looking for a job.  At the time, it was discouraging that it took so long to find a job.  However, now looking back, that year was such a gift and we were able to do things together that we would not have been able to do otherwise.  And for that I am thankful everyday.

So today, I hope you learn to make similar choices in your life.  Yes, I know there are always chores to do and we struggle to take care of our homes and go to work and raise our children.  Just remember, though, to take the time to simply spend time together.  Whether it's sharing a meal together, playing a board game, or even sharing the labor of doing housework together.  For time with family and friends is what is most important.  And so today I will try to find joy as we celebrate Bryce's baptism with Ed's family.