Merry (?) Christmas

It's still hard to say the word "Merry".  Was yesterday a "merry" day?  Not sure.  It was Christmas though.  Not a traditional Christmas either and I don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

Needless to say, Christmas is not the same since Ed passed.  I still avoid the word "joy"...will "joy" ever return?  I'd like to think so.

Ed loved Christmas...mostly because he liked to spoil me and Dan.  He always bought me too much...things he knew I needed or wanted whether it was some new clothes for work that I wouldn't buy myself or a special splurge that I was too cheap to buy like the Keurig, my Kindle, or my laptop.  He also spoiled Dan, I think to makeup for Christmases lost with his own family as a child.

Christmas is another reminder that I am now solely responsible for my happiness which is just a reminder of my loss.  I know Christmas is not about presents under the tree and each Christmas since Ed passed, it is Dan who fills the void by his presence.  I am so thankful he is here with me.  And it makes me smile as I see him doing things to make the day special for both of us, special for me.

Christmas Eve was spent with the in-laws at my nieces.  This is tradition and getting to see my "grand" niece and nephews is so much fun.  The irony that I am technically not an "in-law" any longer does not escape me. Dan is related; I am not.  But after 30 plus years, we are still family and with our losses, we know the importance of maintaining this relationship and bond.


This year, Christmas with my family is again postponed.  That is typically where we go on Christmas Day.  Last year Mom was in the hospital.  This year, my oldest sister is in the hospital.  She is on the road to recovery and we're hoping she gets discharged today.  We're not quite sure when we'll celebrate Christmas--sometime in the next week or so depending on my sister's recovery.

So Christmas has been non-traditional the last two years now.  Yesterday, Dan and I exchanged gifts, hung around the house waiting for power to be restored (I guess a squirrel was the cause of most of the town losing power for a couple hours), went to visit my mother, and then we went to see the new Star Wars movie.  Odd to be out and about on Christmas, going to see a movie, and walking around only in a sweater since it was an unseasonably 60 degrees outside.

But I know, deep down inside, Christmas has always been one of my favorite holidays.  And so I will continue the tradition of recognizing the 12 days of Christmas.  I will look for "merry" moments and hope that someday, I will find the "joy" as well.

Merry Christmas!

My grand nephews and niece.  So cute and so much fun!
Wish I saw them more...

Our tree on Christmas Eve.  At least we got that up before Christmas.
Other decorations are pretty sparse!