Not Posting Daily

You may have noticed that I did not write a blog entry yesterday and that's okay.  I realize I need to move away from daily entries.  They were helpful when I wanted to give you all a daily update on how Ed was doing.  Then, after he passed, it was a way to let you all know how I was doing.  What I realize now is that I sometimes over analyze my thoughts and feelings to enable me to write an entry.  Some days, like yesterday, just are.  There is no extreme happiness, there is no extreme sadness.  Just what I call a normal day where I might smile, I might cry, I might be lonely, or I might be enjoying a moment.  And that's okay.  It's my new normal.  And so I won't write daily but rather when I have something to share.  Maybe it's every other day, maybe it's once a week...I'm not sure yet.  But what I know is that I will still post at least while it feels okay to do so.  And with that....

The weekend went very quickly.  I went to visit Dan on Saturday.  I brought his bike out to him and I was hoping we'd go for a bike ride, but that didn't happen.  It was okay that we didn't go though.  We didn't do anything special...just spent time together.  I haven't been out to his apartment since February.  He is finally settling in and it's a nice place.  I missed Ed on the drive out and back since we would usually make trips like this together.  It wasn't like we talked a lot during our 2 hour drives, but rather we were just together.  As I was driving down the Pike I was reminded of the many times Ed would spot something on the side of the road and say "Did you see that?" and by the time I got enough information to know "that" was, we were well beyond that spot.  Dan and I always teased him about this habit.

Sunday was church, errands, and then working in the yard until I couldn't stand the heat anymore.  I got the final flower bed weeded but decided it was too hot to do any transplanting.

Saturday night and Sunday had many sad moments and I don't know why.  And they come for no apparent reason and triggered by nothing in particular.  They just are.  And I hate this sadness because I've never been this unhappy in my entire life.  I know I should appreciate that fact because I know, if I allow myself to admit it, I've been blessed.  It's just hard to feel blessed right now.  I don't like this life that has suddenly been turned upside down.  It's foreign to me and I know I over think everything and that doesn't help.  I think about what was and what I've lost; then I think about the future and I'm afraid facing it alone.  For with Ed, I was never alone.  Even when we were physically apart, we were always together.

Yesterday when I was in the store picking up a few things, I happened upon these wall decals and I spotted one with a saying that I was always looking for.  It was one I wanted for our bedroom or upstairs hallway and never could find it in the perfect style.  It could have been a wall hanging, could have been decal, it was just something Ed and I kept our eyes open for.  And the one I found yesterday would have been perfect.  But I didn't buy it because it has less meaning now.  The saying..."Always Kiss Me Goodnight".  And Ed always did.  And now, instead, I simply say goodnight to him and tell him how much I love him and miss him.

And now the workweek can begin and distract me from my thoughts...