Why'd You Leave Me?

These are the words I yelled this morning at the picture of Ed that sits in my kitchen. I was getting my cup of coffee, from the Keurig that he bought for us. Sunday mornings were having coffee with Ed sitting at the table reading the paper.  I have cancelled the daily paper and I should cancel the Sunday paper as well because it goes unread every week.

The last few weeks have been hard for no particular reason. I am working hard to be thankful for what I have. All those things I've mentioned before...our home, my job, my health.

But some days I'm just tired at working at this life and supposed happiness. Don't get me wrong, I have happy moments. I post about them on Facebook and when people comment how happy I look I want to say "looks can be deceiving".


I work hard to maintain relationships with family and friends but I'm disappointed and resentful that it seems I am always the one to initiate this. I want to just cut myself off from the world to see who would really ever notice, but I'm fearful of the answer.

So I trudge through each day questioning what is my purpose? Not that I had any grand purpose when Ed was alive. But then it was about sharing our lives and simply being together, making each other happy and loving each other.

I find I grieve Ed's passing less nowadays. Instead I grieve more the life I've lost. Our life together, our future, our happiness.

Ed, I'm trying to put one foot in front of the other. I'm trying to do things that would make you proud of me. It just gets tiring and you're not here to support me.

Why'd you leave me, dammit...