Friday, June 16, 2017

Death Do Us Part

To My Husband,
Happy Anniversary. Today would have been our, what, anniversary? I have lost count. The past years have blurred together and I have a hard time counting time. The past has become a blur; the present seems to speed by.

I'm unsure about this life since you have been gone. The days blur together as I keep myself busy. I'm not sure if I'm busy because there's now more to do now that I must do it alone or if it's because if I keep moving, I won't be constantly reminded of the hole in my life without you.

33 years...Yes, that's it. It was 33 years ago today that we were married (and together 2 years prior to that). Oh, we were so young with what felt like our entire lives ahead of us. So many dreams and not necessarily these big, ambitious dreams. No rather, they were dreams about being together, building a home together, raising a family together. Our days were filled with simply living life.

Was it always easy? Absolutely not. Of course, since your passing, you were perfect in my eyes. The perfect husband, the perfect father, the perfect man.  We both know that wasn't necessarily true just like it's true that I wasn't always the perfect wife. We squabbled over little things and there were times when we annoyed each other by petty things. But these were few and far between and they only lasted for brief moments. Our commitment and love for each other always re-centered us.

33 years ago today we vowed our love and lives to each other. I glossed over that "until death do us part" piece. I think most young married couples do. Now it sticks out with blaring horns and flashing lights when I attend a wedding.

I took the day off from work today.  I don't know why.  Work is a necessary evil but a good distraction as well. If you were here, we would have done something together. Maybe something simple like a day trip to the beach or the casino. Or you would have cooked a nice dinner for both of us. Simple times, simple things....just time together.

Today I remember our wedding day....it was a fun day, partying with friends and family into the evening. I remember the next day, all you men moved my piano into our house. I remember sitting in the dining room of our new house, at our new dining room table, writing thank you notes. I remember your father making the trip and appearing at the church surprising us. I remember our wedding night with me going to bed and you staying up talking with your father and Chuggy before they headed back to Philly the next day. All these memories make me smile.

And I remember the 29 years we were married and how lucky I was to have someone who loved me beyond the ends of the earth. Someone who loved me through his last day on this earth. Someone who protected me, cared for me, made me feel like the most beautiful and special woman in the world. You loved me until "death do us part".

I miss you today. I miss you everyday. I miss our love. I miss our laughter. I miss my best friend who knew me better than anyone else--who understood my moods, who could read my mind and know just what I needed to make me smile or lift my spirits.

I try to be grateful and recall how lucky I was to be happily married for 29 years but sometimes it is hard not to be sad about the years that were taken from us. We definitely would have been the couple that would grow old together. Remember laughing about that when we were in Venice watching that elderly couple? We knew then that it would not be in our future, but we still smiled and laughed and looked lovingly at that couple.

So today I will try to remember all our previous anniversaries. The flowers you sent; the cards you carefully picked out. I was blessed to know such great love and that explains why it hurts so much now that you are gone.

Happy Anniversary Ed! Know I will love you always and forever even after "death do us part".


My Story

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