Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Christmas Peace

It's the Wednesday after Christmas.  The house is quiet and empty. Dan was here the past 5 days and it is hard to express in words how much he fills this house, and my heart, with warmth and love. His presence is what fills the void without Ed here.

We celebrated Christmas with my family, Ed's family, and then just me and Dan together and each celebration was "good".  I enjoyed spending time with family and I did not experience the usual overwhelmness that comes from too much activity. Christmas Day itself was just me and Dan. It was nice to just stay home as snow fell outside. We did venture out to cleanup snow late morning but the rest of the day of simply staying home, playing games and enjoying a meal together. It was a relaxing day but didn't quite feel like Christmas. If I was home alone, I know I definitely would not have liked it!

Naturally thoughts of Ed crossed my mind, our minds, often. Dan and I talked about what Ed would think about things we did (or didn't) do. But sadness and grief stayed at bay. Now, don't get me wrong...of course I missed Ed. But they were fleeting moments that came and went and I moved on enjoying the day.  As I write this, it does bring some level of sadness because grief is not consuming my life which is a good thing but also sad because it means I'm moving forward. It is hard to articulate but it is disconcerting feeling, both good and bad all wrapped up in one.  But I also know that this feeling can change quickly, so I'm capturing it here and appreciating it.

New year's is approaching and I'm approaching it with apprehension.  New Year's always seems to be a time to look back at the past year...what did you do? what did you accomplish? And then to set goals for the new year.  It's also a reminder that time continues to march on. Life continues on whether you want it to or not.  But there's a few more days of 2017 to enjoy which I plan to do.  THEN, I'll worry about 2018 and "goals".

For now, I'm simply going to continue to enjoy Christmas...the decorations, the music, the cards received from loved ones, and mostly, the peace and love that still fills this house by Dan's presence.

Merry Christmas All!




Sunday, November 26, 2017

Walls Filled with Love

It is the Sunday after Thanksgiving.  The house is quiet and once again I'm spending a quiet Sunday morning with a cup of coffee.

Now that Thanksgiving is behind us, the Christmas rush has begun. I'm not necessarily happy about that. I love Christmas...or at least most days I do. I like the lights and decorations and the music. I don't like the commercialism and hustle and bustle of shopping and overindulging. The madness of shopping and gift giving takes over simply enjoying the holiday.

Dan is home this weekend and it is the highlight of my life. I know I am so blessed to have him in my life and I know I say this often. But he has made my Thanksgiving and weekend filled with happiness. There is nothing better than spending time with him. We've done chores around the house (leaves are done!), gone to see a show (Trans-Siberian Orchestra!), and have simply hung out together watching Netflix or playing cards and board games. I love that we are homebodies.

There have been many days over the years since Ed passed when, if it wasn't for Dan, I don't think I could have gone on.  He was my reason for living. I know that's not a fair responsibility to place on a child, no matter what age, but it is the life and cards that were dealt to us. Thankfully for me, Dan stepped up to the plate. I wish the burden didn't fall solely on him. These are times when I'm sorry that he doesn't have any siblings to share the burden. But, then again, if he did, we may not have the relationship we do. We can read each other's minds and are often thinking the same thing. We are very good friends. Dare I say best friends?

However, Dan will be leaving today and that makes me sad. But I will hold the happy moments in my heart and be thankful. Thankful for this warm and loving home that Ed and I created and that Dan and I continue to fill with laughter and love. I have dreams of someday moving to my next chapter...a new location, a new home.  Days like today, though, I wonder if I could ever really leave this home.  Time will tell.  For today, though, I'll allow it to wrap me in the warmth of love and memories that fill these walls.

God, I love this kid!


The gang on Thanksgiving at Mom's

From Trans-Siberian Orchestra show that Dan and I went to

The turkey Dan and I cooked. Our first...and it came out pretty good!



Sunday, November 19, 2017

Rainy, Quiet Sunday

It's my favorite time of the week...Sunday morning.  There is no alarm and no where to rush off to. It's raining outside but I don't mind because I have no where I have to go. Knowing it was going to rain, I finished my outdoor tasks yesterday so I feel good about that. Today I plan to make a beef stew so it fills the house with warm, wonderful smells. I have several indoor projects I plan to tackle and I'm just happy to be at home.

I am doing better today. The sadness that engulfed me just a week ago has lifted. I'm not sure why, just like I'm not sure why it hit me so hard last week. But there is a lightness in my steps and I was eager to get out of bed this morning to begin tackling my To Do list.

I am getting excited about the upcoming holidays. I'm going to try hard to learn to simplify because I just want to enjoy the time and the season.  I know part of my excitement is that Dan will be home this week for the long Thanksgiving weekend. Spending time with him is one of my most favorite things to do and fills this home with much love.

Whatever it is though that has improved my mood, I'm going with it. For as fast as the wave of grief and sadness can still engulf me, it thankfully moves on just as quickly. An empty and alone future still disconcerts me, but, at least for today, it is not consuming my thoughts.

Today I am ready to face the world.  Be sure to check back tomorrow...it could be a different story. But I can't control tomorrow, so I'll enjoy today and ride this wave until it crashes and tosses me...

Happy Thanksgiving...


Sunday, November 12, 2017

Being Greedy

The aloneness these past few days has hit me hard.

It was just last week that I had a group of wid friends here at the house. I was excited about hosting and having people here. Living alone, I like opportunities to share my home with others.  We had a good day and we chatted and laughed and the only bad part was that they were all gone too soon. Everyone traveled at least 1.5 hrs to get here, some as long as 8 hours. So the opportunity to get together is limited. But it was a great day and I loved having them here and, dare I say, I was happy.

I ran into a church friend on Tuesday and she asked how I was doing and I was still on the high from Sunday and having friends at the house. So, for a change, she got a positive, upbeat response from me.

It's a good thing I didn't see her this weekend because the response would have been different. By Friday night, the stress of work and things at the house got to be too much and I found myself in tears. Years ago, I would have called Ed and he would have said all the right things and told me to finish my work and come home. Once I arrived home, he'd give me a big hug, have a glass of wine waiting for me, and he would tell me to go get changed  while he finished dinner. And he would listen to my ranting and I would get it out and feel supported and better.

But he isn't here and I couldn't reach out to him and then the reality that there was no one for me to reach out to made it worse. Yes, I  have some friends.  But I don't have a best friend, that one person you know you can count on no matter what. The person who has your back 110% and is always, always there for you.  Ed was this person and my best friend for over 30 years.

I miss that. I did end up talking with some friends yesterday and that helped. I appreciate they made time for me because I know they're busy and have their own lives.  But it's not the same. I'm not the person who is forefront in their minds and thoughts. I'm not the person they would make a priority in their lives.

Don't get me wrong. I appreciate the friends I have.  I appreciate the "good" in my life. But I miss most that person who loves me beyond all doubt, who would go to the ends of the earth for me, who I know is always there for me and supporting me.

It's an allusion that I'm strong and can do this on my own. I just want to be loved and not feel so alone and to know that others care. As I sit here alone, on another Sunday morning, will the quiet ever feel less disconcerting. Will I ever have that person who wakes up and calls, stops by, or sends me a note saying "I'm thinking of you...".  Who loves me to the ends of the earth...

I know I had it once, so maybe I'm being greedy expecting it again...

Sunday, October 22, 2017

I Miss You

God I miss you.

I miss that you were not with me when I went to Niagara Falls with my mother and sisters. I know you are happy that I'm doing things and seeing new things but I still want to do these things with you and share these special moments and times with you. Instead the photos are of me, alone, and the small moments when I want to turn to you and comment, I have to do so in silence.

I miss that you are not here to take care of me while I've had this rotten cold for two weeks. If you were here, I'd come home to a nice cooked meal and would be able to just rest while you took care of me. I cooked my own meals and cared for myself. It wasn't much, but I survived even though I didn't like it.

I miss that you weren't here to deal with the power surge that fried all the surge protectors in the house. I wonder if you were here if we would have called the fire department. I did because I wanted to be sure nothing was smoldering in the walls. In all the years we lived here, though, nothing like this happened. Why does it have to happen now that you are not here and I need to deal with it alone? I know you would be proud that I did deal with it though.

I miss that you weren't here to help move Dan to his new apartment. I know you are proud that we were able to do it ourselves. The last time, you were here to lead us. I remember you arranging for the rental truck and driving that out to Dan's new apartment while I followed in my car. This time, Dan dealt with the rental truck and I followed him. Thankfully his two good friends helped us move so they helped with the heavy lifting that you did last time. I spent the night and Dan and I unpacked things together. I know you would be proud that we made the move happen and that it makes you smile that your son takes such good care of his mother. He did listen to you that last day.

I miss that you aren't here to see how lovely the yard looks and that I'm taking good care of it since you've been gone. I did all the leaf pickup yesterday by myself. How I miss when we used to do it together. I hope you see this and smile that I'm taking care of the yard that used to be your thing. I just wish we could be doing it together like we used to....sharing the burden.

I cleaned up wires behind the TV yesterday too. I'm quite sure if you were here, that would have not happened. Electronics were your thing and I wouldn't touch them. Of course, if you were here, you would have already gotten me a new laptop to replace the one that died over a month ago.

The bulb in the bathroom burned out the other day. I went to replace it and noticed the blue paint on it. Blue paint from the last time you painted the bathroom. And it was then that I realized that bulb has survived more than 4 years...it was from "before". As I threw out that bulb, I felt like another part of you was leaving this house. A stupid bulb but a bulb that you touched and that has outlived you.

Yesterday as I put away the laundry, I organized your sock drawer. Socks that I have kept to wear when working in the yard. No woman needs so many socks, but I can't part with them. As I organized the drawer, I found your old wallets. Ones that you kept in the back of the drawer and I have kept them there. I looked through them yesterday...old credit cards, health insurance cards, and little scraps of paper with notes or phone numbers in your handwriting. The photo of you on the BJ's membership card caused me to pause and I pondered how could you really be gone. How can a person exist one moment, living life in such a normal way as needing a BJ's card, and then that life is gone, as if they never existed.  And I pondered the meaning of life as I tucked those wallets back into the drawer. They were a part of you that I cannot let go. 

God I miss you. I wish we had more days and times to spend together. I've learned how much I hate this life without you and I've learned how I can do things on my own, without you.  Can you come back now?  I've learned my lesson. I've learned to cherish each day and the menial tasks we did together, the banter at the end of the day, the labor we shared... I know you are proud that I'm figuring things out. I've learned so much but now I just want you back.  I do not want to go through the rest of my life alone.

God I miss you...

Sunday, October 1, 2017

Five Birthdays Without You and Solitaire

Yesterday I "celebrated" my fifth birthday without you. It is difficult to wrap my brain around the fact that it's been almost 4.5 yrs; even harder to believe I've had 5 birthdays since you were here.

Five birthdays where you weren't here to recognize the day in some special way. You always made me feel special. At some level, you've done me a disservice because now that you are not here to do this, I'm disappointed more times than not.

I recall how you always had flowers for me. You would have them delivered to work and when I told you to stop spending the money to have them delivered, you would delivery them personally instead. We would always do something together whether it was a simple dinner at home or taking a day trip together. It didn't have to be big, it was just time together.  Gifts were not extravagant but simple gestures of the simple things I enjoy such as a favorite candy or chocolate.

The first birthday you were gone, Dan sent me flowers at work. He is such a good son and he tries hard to make my day special. This is not an easy feat for someone who doesn't see the big deal about birthdays. Last year was a miserable birthday. Plans to spend time with Dan and friends totally fell through due to the weather and I ended up spending the entire weekend home alone...miserable and disappointed.

I wasn't going to let that happen this year. There once again were plans to spend the day with Dan and friends. A group of 11 of us were going hiking...I was so looking forward to it. But the other half of our group had to cancel unexpectedly. Thankfully Dan, Nate and I still went hiking. It rained the entire time...but I could tell Dan was not going to allow me to spend the day alone. So we went hiking. He bought me a small cake with plans to light the candles at the summit of the mountain. Instead he did it in the rain under the hatchback of the car and him and Nate sang Happy Birthday to me.  I was so touched.  We then topped the day off by having lunch together in a quaint restaurant in NH.

I went home that evening smiling and being ever so thankful for having Dan in my life. I wish you were here to see how great Dan has been to me. I am so lucky and blessed to have him in my life and you would be so proud at what a fine man he has grown into. If it wasn't for him, I don't know if I could go on.

These last few weeks have been very difficult for me. I can't put my finger on specifically why and I guess it really doesn't matter. I wish you were here to talk through it with me though. There are times when I feel so alone in this world, a feeling I never experienced because you were always at my side. I feel like a stranger in my own life. There is no one to talk to, to confide my deepest feelings to. I fear that my future will be as empty as my life feels today. I try to put myself out there and do things, but although there are smiles, there is not happiness.

Dan made me happy yesterday and for that I'm thankful.

People tell me how lucky I am and that I have a good life. I know, in my head, that I am lucky to have family and friends, a roof over my head, a good job, food on my table, etc.  But my heart is empty.

I've taken to playing Solitaire lately. The irony does not escape me...

Off on our hike in the rain. I love this kid more than life itself.

Just the thought makes me smile! :)

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Why'd You Leave Me?

These are the words I yelled this morning at the picture of Ed that sits in my kitchen. I was getting my cup of coffee, from the Keurig that he bought for us. Sunday mornings were having coffee with Ed sitting at the table reading the paper.  I have cancelled the daily paper and I should cancel the Sunday paper as well because it goes unread every week.

The last few weeks have been hard for no particular reason. I am working hard to be thankful for what I have. All those things I've mentioned before...our home, my job, my health.

But some days I'm just tired at working at this life and supposed happiness. Don't get me wrong, I have happy moments. I post about them on Facebook and when people comment how happy I look I want to say "looks can be deceiving".


I work hard to maintain relationships with family and friends but I'm disappointed and resentful that it seems I am always the one to initiate this. I want to just cut myself off from the world to see who would really ever notice, but I'm fearful of the answer.

So I trudge through each day questioning what is my purpose? Not that I had any grand purpose when Ed was alive. But then it was about sharing our lives and simply being together, making each other happy and loving each other.

I find I grieve Ed's passing less nowadays. Instead I grieve more the life I've lost. Our life together, our future, our happiness.

Ed, I'm trying to put one foot in front of the other. I'm trying to do things that would make you proud of me. It just gets tiring and you're not here to support me.

Why'd you leave me, dammit...

Sunday, July 30, 2017

"Life is Good" ?

It's a cool, sunny Sunday morning. There is dew on the newly, mowed lawn. It's peaceful and I'm proud of how the lawn and house look.  I wish Ed were here to see how well I'm doing taking care of everything.

The garden is growing...in the gardening bed that Dan and I made that first year Ed passed. The lawn has filled in with nice green grass from the fertilizing and weeding I've done. Bushes I have trimmed are filling in nicely. Ed loved his yard. He would be happy. As I sit outside and enjoy the beauty my heart aches because I can't share this with him. How I wish Ed were here to see this, to be proud of me. It is at moments like this that I miss him the most. I miss having someone to share these small moments with.

But these thoughts pass, or rather, are recognized and then filed away. For nothing will change and I have to learn to be proud of myself and accept that as being enough. I thankfully have the most wonderful son in the world and I frequently share these moments with him, sending him pictures and texts, and he responds and gives his mother a pat on the back. I am blessed to have him in my life.

In general, life is good.

Did I just say that? Capture the moment, right?

I realize I haven't written in over a month. It's been a busy month and I'm taking full advantage of the fact that it's summer and many things to do. Sometimes I'll do things alone (strawberry picking), some things are planned with friends (Summer Pops and Tanglewood) and some are spontaneous (morning hike and sitting by the pool with my sister).  I am branching out and trying new things.  I saw my first Summer Pops with the Chorus of Westerly with a friend. I went to Tanglewood for the first time. Dan and I saw the Tall Ships in Boston. And I saw my first live Drum Corp performance.

Around the house, I'm doing my grilling and learning not to charbroil everything. I'm starting to slowly declutter and get rid of things. Last weekend, I finally finished cleaning out Ed's closet. And I survived with only one moment of tears as I tossed a couple old shirts and suit that he brought with him from Philly--things he held onto for the memories. But my reward for cleaning out the closet was to be able to claim the space for myself and I installed shelves and unpacked several totes that contained my sweaters. I'm happy with how it turned out and so when I open Ed's closet door, I smile.

So I'm moving forward...slowly. I'm learning to appreciate my alone time but also the wonderful friends I've made over these past four years. They are, each in their own way, helping to fill the void left by Ed.

It's still one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. But, most days, it comes naturally and I don't even need to think about it.

Balloon Fest with my sister

Lawn pictures!



Sunday afternoon in Stanford CT with friends

Tanglewood!

Chorus of Westerly Summer Pops!

Love going into the city with Dan

Boston's Tall Ships with Dan

7th Regiment Drum Corp

Off on a hike with my sister


Friday, June 16, 2017

Death Do Us Part

To My Husband,
Happy Anniversary. Today would have been our, what, anniversary? I have lost count. The past years have blurred together and I have a hard time counting time. The past has become a blur; the present seems to speed by.

I'm unsure about this life since you have been gone. The days blur together as I keep myself busy. I'm not sure if I'm busy because there's now more to do now that I must do it alone or if it's because if I keep moving, I won't be constantly reminded of the hole in my life without you.

33 years...Yes, that's it. It was 33 years ago today that we were married (and together 2 years prior to that). Oh, we were so young with what felt like our entire lives ahead of us. So many dreams and not necessarily these big, ambitious dreams. No rather, they were dreams about being together, building a home together, raising a family together. Our days were filled with simply living life.

Was it always easy? Absolutely not. Of course, since your passing, you were perfect in my eyes. The perfect husband, the perfect father, the perfect man.  We both know that wasn't necessarily true just like it's true that I wasn't always the perfect wife. We squabbled over little things and there were times when we annoyed each other by petty things. But these were few and far between and they only lasted for brief moments. Our commitment and love for each other always re-centered us.

33 years ago today we vowed our love and lives to each other. I glossed over that "until death do us part" piece. I think most young married couples do. Now it sticks out with blaring horns and flashing lights when I attend a wedding.

I took the day off from work today.  I don't know why.  Work is a necessary evil but a good distraction as well. If you were here, we would have done something together. Maybe something simple like a day trip to the beach or the casino. Or you would have cooked a nice dinner for both of us. Simple times, simple things....just time together.

Today I remember our wedding day....it was a fun day, partying with friends and family into the evening. I remember the next day, all you men moved my piano into our house. I remember sitting in the dining room of our new house, at our new dining room table, writing thank you notes. I remember your father making the trip and appearing at the church surprising us. I remember our wedding night with me going to bed and you staying up talking with your father and Chuggy before they headed back to Philly the next day. All these memories make me smile.

And I remember the 29 years we were married and how lucky I was to have someone who loved me beyond the ends of the earth. Someone who loved me through his last day on this earth. Someone who protected me, cared for me, made me feel like the most beautiful and special woman in the world. You loved me until "death do us part".

I miss you today. I miss you everyday. I miss our love. I miss our laughter. I miss my best friend who knew me better than anyone else--who understood my moods, who could read my mind and know just what I needed to make me smile or lift my spirits.

I try to be grateful and recall how lucky I was to be happily married for 29 years but sometimes it is hard not to be sad about the years that were taken from us. We definitely would have been the couple that would grow old together. Remember laughing about that when we were in Venice watching that elderly couple? We knew then that it would not be in our future, but we still smiled and laughed and looked lovingly at that couple.

So today I will try to remember all our previous anniversaries. The flowers you sent; the cards you carefully picked out. I was blessed to know such great love and that explains why it hurts so much now that you are gone.

Happy Anniversary Ed! Know I will love you always and forever even after "death do us part".


Sunday, May 28, 2017

Moments with Friends

I'm back home again after spending a very nice day with a friend and his family. I so enjoy these times with others, but they are typically followed by the quiet and downside of then being alone. I'm trying not to let the grips of sadness get a hold of me today. I am truly trying to appreciate and enjoy the moments with friends for what they are...moments of enjoyment, creating memories to look back on with happiness and to look forward to future ones.

I went to the "beach" yesterday...rather, I stood on the edge of the ocean. It is so calming as I breathed in the salt air and listened to the waves crashing on the rocks. It brings me such peace and settles my soul. I was able to share this time with my friend which made it even more special because we were able to banter, about nothing, and just walk along the shore and look for crabs or shells or pretty stones. It reminded me of when Ed and I would do this and instead of the usual sadness when I do this alone, I was content. Because these moments, as peaceful as they can be, remind me how alone I am without the person who was supposed to be my partner for life. So I am grateful to my friend for going with me....obviously, a true friend.

I also met family and friends yesterday and they all greeted me with hugs and smiles. Such loving people. I would like to think they also found the same in me...a kind, warm, and loving person. I can be a bit of an introvert, especially around people I don't know well. I hope I made them smile as much as they made me smile. I would like to think the hugs as we said goodbye are my answer. All-in-all, it was a very nice day.

So today, I will cling to those memories and attempt to do so with warmth in my heart instead of allowing the thoughts of what is missing creeping in instead and grabbing hold. Today I will work in the yard and take my time to appreciate the beauty around me. Instead of missing the warmth, laughter, and company of others, I will attempt to appreciate how lucky I am to be able to spend time surrounded by others one day and have time to myself the next and recognize that this can be a good thing.

Yes, life has changed...  There are things and a future I will never be able to share with Ed. And I realize, ever so clearly, that if it wasn't for Ed's passing, yesterday would not have happened. I would not know this particular friend, or any of the other close friends I've made these past few years. At some level, that makes me sad. Which I find interesting...

My happy place...


Went on a day trip to Salem this past week with my mother and my sister Cathy. Another "good" day!!





I started my day yesterday morning with seeing this...  I was happy to see they are still around!



Saturday, May 20, 2017

A Beautiful Morning

It's such a beautiful morning.

The air is crisp and cool. There's a slight breeze and the sun is shining through a clear, blue sky.

I slept well last night and awoke to the sound of birds and the tickling sound of my windchimes. The baby foxes appear to be gone, but I did see the father cross the yard yesterday morning.

There is some type of sparrow that has nested above the bay window in the dining room and the Robin is in the bush outside the kitchen window.  And the hummingbirds have returned as well.

It's the start of a good day.

I've enjoyed a quiet cup of coffee before I head outside to work in the yard.

I'm looking forward to doing the yardwork.  With the rain and heat wave earlier this week, the lawn desperately needs to be mowed. So I'll be heading out soon to do that AND the hand trimming because I will gaze upon the end result and be pleased.

I will put out solar lights and lawn ornaments and this will make me happy.  I will prep the garden and flower beds in anticipation of planting those next weekend.

It's the start of what will be a good day.

Capturing the moment since you never know how long it will last...

Bright clear blue sky...

 
The Rhododendrons are coming back nicely after been hit hard two winters ago.

 
Lily of the Valleys....One of my favorite flowers and I love the smell!






Sunday, May 7, 2017

Kits!

Today I've decided to post about some "good" things for a change! Don't get your hopes up...it's nothing too exciting. But since I tend to post when I'm feeling down, I did want to take a moment and share the recent highlights of my day which is watching a family of Red Foxes in my backyard!

The father I've seen in the neighborhood for the past couple months. But on April 17th, I noticed the "kits" (baby foxes) running around the backyard with their mother. What a delight to see! Their den is in the woods just behind the house and I can watch them while standing on the back deck. So each day, I look to see if they are out playing. If I'm lucky, they'll be up in the yard running around. I know they will soon be moving on, so I'm enjoying them while they're here.

One day while standing in the backyard watching them, three cardinals flew by my head and landed in a nearby tree--two males and one female. I wasn't able to capture a good picture, but I continue to see them every few days.

And yesterday I noticed the Robin is once again nesting in the bush outside the kitchen window. The bush has filled in since it was damaged a couple winters ago, so it's hard to see the nest. I remember the year that Ed trimmed branches so we could watch them from the kitchen window. I'll have to see if I can do that again.

Small, simple pleasures and moments to make me smile. My low moments still come...these are times when I feel the aloneness and truly struggle with trying to figure out the purpose of my life. "Joy" continues to allude me and it scares me that I may never find it again. But I'm working hard to at least spend time with family and friends and enjoy simple times together.

Last weekend, Dan and I and some friends went hiking on Mt. Tom. We ended up getting rained on which cut our hike short, but it gave us a story to tell!  We'll need to attempt it again because we didn't make it all the way to the top.  I've also gotten together with some other close "wid" girlfriends who I wish lived closer and I've gotten together with some friends from church who treat me so kindly and always make me laugh.

So I try to focus on these "good" moments. Some days are just harder than others...  After these "good" times spent with others, I find myself back home again, alone and the darkness and loneliness tend to set in. But today has started as a good day. Maybe because a friend sent me a text to start my day and letting me know someone is thinking of me. I appreciate that because that is what I miss the most especially since I feel I'm always the one initiating and organizing get togethers with friends. So when someone else makes the effort and/or thinks of me, I appreciate it.

Anyhow, below are some pics and videos. These make me smile...and I hope they do the same for you as well! I'll try to do better at keeping you all posted on my baby foxes (who are growing up so fast!)!


Two of the four "kits" (what baby foxes are called)


From our Mt. Tom hike before the rain came.

After a long trek up a steep hill...

 
Signs of spring...the primrose in my side garden




Love the smell of lilacs
 Below is a "puppy" my mother gave me on April 21st (day before Ed's sadiversary). I had seen these years ago in the gift shop at Cooley Dickinson hospital and thought they were so cute. So now I have a "puppy". Good news is that he's low maintenance, doesn't shed, doesn't eat too much, no vet bill. Bad news is that I now talk to a fake dog!!



Sunday, April 23, 2017

Looking Back

I (obviously) made it through yesterday. The weather was not as nice as I was hoping. It was cold, gray, and rainy. It would have been a good day to just hang on the couch, under a blanket, reading a book or watching TV.  Nope...not me. I find it difficult to just sit.

Instead I ran some errands and stopped at the cemetery to put some flowers and the angel figure on Ed's grave. I played the song we played on the day we laid him to rest.  BIG MISTAKE! Although I didn't cry that day when we first played it, I did yesterday.  Someday I'll learn.  But I pulled myself together and got back to my day.

I worked in the yard clearing some brush and took care of a number of other little things on my "to do" list.  I went to choir and Mass, a Mass that Dan and I had said for Ed.  Afterwards, a couple that Ed and I were friends with and that I continue to be in touch with, asked me to join them for dinner. I was touched because, surprisingly, people rarely think of doing this.  Now I am one who usually has my weekends all planned out and it is difficult for me to deviate from that plan. But last night, I didn't have firm plans and so I said "yes".  It was nice to spend a couple hours with them and, better yet, it was better than coming home and making and having dinner by myself.

Today I'm getting together with some friends who are also widowed.  It is my day to relax and do nothing (other than drive to our destination).

Last night as I looked back over the past 4 years, I truly wondered what have I done for 4 years. I survived... But I need to remember to live. To enjoy each day and the people in my life.  Like my friends who invited me to dinner last night and those that I will get together with today for lunch. I AM appreciating these moments and people.  I just sometimes look back, though, and wonder "What have I done? What do I have to show for 4 years?"

Survival, I guess. Survival...


Saturday, April 22, 2017

Four Years Ago Today

Yes, today officially marks the 4th anniversary of your death. You passed at about 1:30 AM, so it was the evening of April 21st, 4 years ago, that we were last together. Last night as I recalled the details of that day and evening 4 years ago so vividly, that is what brought tears to my eyes. It was not a good day for you. You were in pain and so we increased your medication and you slept most of the day. I recall how I pushed the button on your PCA pump before I left that evening because you could no longer do it. I remember Dan and I sitting with you, one of us on each side of your hospital bed. I held your hand all day. I hummed music I think to calm me more than you, and I prayed. I prayed that God would end your pain and suffering. And I recall so vividly the difficult decision Dan and I had to make on whether to spend the night with you or go home as we usually did. At the time, the doctors said it could be another day or two. So we decided to leave because I know, beyond any doubt, that this is what you would have told us to do. "Go home. Get some sleep. I'll be fine". It still hurts so much that I made that decision to leave. If I had known that evening was going to be your last, I would have stayed at your side. But I didn't know and I try to forgive myself knowing that I was there by your side every day for the 26 days you were in the hospital and the 31 years we were together.

April 22, 2013 was about making phone calls and making arrangements. After getting the call from the hospital that you had passed, Dan and I drove over to see you one last time. I don't know why, but it was something I felt I needed to do. Maybe to confirm for myself? They had disconnected your IVs and cleaned up things in your room. I remember getting mad that they threw out your lip balm (and Dan laughed at me). It felt so strange leaving you there. When we got home, we called Beers&Story. What you didn't know was that I had already called them the week before to inquire about arrangements, so I knew it was okay to call them at whatever ridiculous time it was. Dan and I met with them later that day to make your funeral arrangements and pick out your casket. As I recall this, I know you would have been so proud of Dan as he helped me make these decisions, all in your honor.

I know the Saturday before you passed, you had a private conversation with Dan after I left. I still to this day cannot figure out how you knew this would be so hard on me. I was convinced I would be "okay". I was strong and I was someone who got things done. I was not an overly emotional person and I rarely broke down in tears. But somehow you knew this would rock me to my core. And you told Dan he needed to be there for me and he has, every single day since you passed. We did so good raising such a wonderful son and I am blessed to have him in my life. I thank God for him every day.

I cry now remembering the pain and sadness of your last days. I cry for the future that has been taken from us. I cry that Dan does not have his father here. I cry that I don't have my best friend.

But Dan and I are learning to carry on. Somehow we've survived 4 years. I really do think you would be proud of us. We've taken care of things around the house, we've enjoyed time together just hanging out or going on vacation, we've taken care of each other. We have found moments of joy and laughter to share. We keep your memory alive and we carry you in our hearts forever.

There are days I get very angry that you are gone, that my future happiness has been ripped from my hands. I'm trying to let go of that anger. I'm trying to enjoy the day, the moments, the people in my life. You learned how to do that. Having cancer for 3 years, you made sure to live those 3 years. The pictures around the house of trips we took and things we did together, both make me smile because we spent time together laughing and enjoying moments together but it also hurts because I no longer have you to continue to laugh and share things with.

Today I will try to let go of the anger and instead remember you and all the love we shared. My plan for today is to do some yard work. Being busy is good.  And I will watch the family of red foxes that have made a den in the back yard. The kits will run around and play and just the thought of them makes me smile.  Yesterday, as I watched them, three cardinals flew by and landed in the tree above them.  Two males and one female.  And I stood and watched it all...the cardinals singing in the trees and the kits playing down below.

And I thanked God and you for these gifts of nature for it all brought me peace and helped me simply pause and enjoy the moment...

...and smile.

Me and Dan at Easter. My rock...


Sunday, April 16, 2017

Happy (?) Easter

It's Easter morning. The sun is shining and the sky is a bright blue. Spring has definitely arrived as the lilac bush outside the window is budding and the various bulbs planted outside are beginning to bloom. Dan is home for Easter and that always makes me happy.

We spent time together yesterday just chatting as he hung out in the kitchen with me as I made desserts for today. We then did some work outside, made dinner together, and watched a couple movies. I like just hanging with him. It makes me happy.

Today we'll head to my mother's and spend time with family. Part of me wants to instead go away and start new traditions. Although traditions can sometimes be a good thing, it bothers me at times that we continue to do the same things we did "before" as if nothing changed. But everything changed and so with that I sometimes want to make significant changes as well.

But I also know my family is important to me and therefore I know I should and I need to appreciate this time we have together for, as we know, we never know when all of this could change.

With the arrival of spring and the start of a beautiful day, I will try to live in the moment and simply enjoy the moment and worry less about the future. I will enjoy time with Dan and with family. I will enjoy a day where I am forced to sit and relax.

I will appreciate the smell of the hyacinths and Easter lilies that fill the house right now. I smile when I remember how Ed always bought me Easter flowers and now I continue that tradition for myself. I bought extra so I could put a couple plants on his grave later this week. Saturday marks 4 years since he passed. But I won't dwell on that right now. No, instead I will simply enjoy today with Dan home and time with family. At least I'll try...

Happy Easter!


Saturday, April 8, 2017

Sometimes Nice Days Don't Last

I've been dreading this time of year. The time when by brother Michael passed to start the downfall of my life. Ed passed just over a month later and then my brother-in-law about a month after that. The avalanche of loss, all at one time, still overwhelms me.

Today, this moment, is one of them. I've been trudging through the past few weeks occasionally replaying every moment of the days 4 years ago, leading to Ed's death. Most days, I've been successful at pushing these thoughts down or the demands and activities of day-to-day life have kept me distracted from focusing on them.

But the 22nd is approaching. Like a freight train coming down the tracks and I can't get out of it's way.

The lump in my throat right now, I can't explain. My day started out well enough. I had a very nice lunch with a very dear friend, who I consider one of my closest friends. He may not realize that, but he's one of the few I can totally be myself with. The sometimes quirky, sometimes silly, sarcastic, over thinker that I am. Someone I don't need to pretend I'm something I'm not.  So it was a nice day.

I came home and got some things done around the house including putting out some Easter decorations. Part of me wonders why because I'll just be putting them away in two weeks, but I like them, especially the small stuffed bunnies on the stairs.



So it's been a good day. But then, suddenly, a wave of sadness falls over me. My heart aches, the lump in my throat is there, and now tears dampen my eyes. I try to figure out why? It's the fear of my future. A future lacking in love and full of loneliness. That is what I'm tearing up about. Ed is supposed to be here, loving me. Buying me my traditional Easter flowers and candy. Instead, if I want these, I need to go out and get them myself. And when I'm the strong, independent woman that I hate having to be, I will get them for myself. I don't rely on others for my happiness. And I hate that. I hate having to always be strong. Always pretending I'm okay and "life is good". Life can really suck sometimes.

I hate that grief can still creep up on me and ruin what was a perfectly good day. And so I will let the tears fall and I will sit here and sob, alone. With no one to comfort me. And it will pass. It always does. But that doesn't mean it gets any easier.

I want someone to love me. I want someone to care about me. I don't want to be alone until I die. I don't want to die alone. Damn Ed for dying on me. We were supposed to grow old together. Damn him for leaving me....alone and sad.  I feel like I've become this sad, old woman. No wonder no one loves or want me.

Thankfully tomorrow is a new day....

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Coincidence or Sign?

I awoke in the middle of the night. The moon was bright and shone a light across the snow covered ground. There was a peacefulness and I could still see the stars that shone through the night sky.

I climbed back into my warm bed under my down comforter and fell back into a peaceful sleep. My dreams filled me with happiness although when I awoke I could not recall any details.

But as the morning sun shone through the window and fell on my face, I awoke with joy in my heart. I thanked God for allowing me to awake this morning as I recalled 4 years ago when my brother died suddenly in the evening, never to greet another morning. And my friend's wife died in her sleep, not knowing she would never awake to greet another morning.

I'm sure they didn't mind. I'd like to think they felt a great peacefulness that drew them towards that light and away from us.  It is those of us left behind that face the emptiness and pain.

And it reminds me to appreciate each day and live it to the fullest. Of course, that is easier said than done. Some days are just "bad" days. Work is stressful, things go wrong, people anger you. The trick is to make sure this does not become the majority of your days.

As I start this day, I appreciate the sunshine and blue sky. I watch the birds as they fly back and forth to the feeders. I notice buds on the lilac bush, a sign that spring will be arriving. I ask God for help. Help in keeping me strong to continue to see these joys and make it through each day.

I ask for a sign; I wish for a sign. Is God there? Is Ed there? The cynical me says you make signs out of what you want and as these thoughts go through my head, as I gaze out the window, I see the cardinal in the distance. Cynical me asks if cardinals are really a sign; but if it gives me hope and peace, the softer side of me says, why not believe?

But the cynical side of me challenges God. If it's really a sign, then bring that cardinal closer to me. Have him land on this bush in front of me. The skeptic in me snickers as Titmouse and Chickadees fly in and out of the bush.

And then it happens...the bright red cardinal appears. First landing in the lower branches in the bush. But then he moves up the branches to the top so I can see him clearly. And he sits and allows me to absorb the fullness of his presence. He then flies away. But continues to flit in front of my eyes as he flies from tree to tree, reappearing every so often.

A sign or coincidence? Or is coincidence a sign?  You decide...

Saturday, February 25, 2017

The Old Lady

The following is an excerpt from a post from "Second Firsts". I couldn't have said this better and it exactly captures how I feel and what I struggle with.  Read and you'll understand...

The OLD LADY
I first saw her in 2013 after my husband died.
She was around 85 years old, grey hair.
Sitting on a rocking chair.
And she was alone.
She was sad.
And she was waiting to die.
I would go visit her at least 20 times a day.
She would look at me and tell me how sad she was.
She would cry every time I visited.
She was always wearing her night gown.
I wondered if she ever did anything else but sit there.
But she never did.
...
You see the woman was a figment of my imagination.
She was the child of fear.
The mother of insanity.
The sister of grief.
When my husband died I grieved my future more than I grieved my present.
And the more I worried about the future the more I would visit the old lady.
The old lady was me many years from now, alone without any love or companionship in my life.
She was created by me.
So that I could believe my fears.
So I could find the proof that what I am afraid of, is real.
THE MIND LOOKS FOR THE PROOF AND IF IT CAN’T FIND IT, IT CREATES IT.
So the mind made it real.

I know that every single person on this earth time travels to the future to a future self that is their worst fear.
How do we stop the visits?
HOW DO WE END THE INSANITY OF GRIEF?
How do we prevent retelling the fictional story to ourselves.



I realize I need to stop visiting this old woman. I do it less often, but I still do it. I know I need to enjoy the moment, appreciate and enjoy each day. I know I need to go do things I enjoy with people who make me smile and laugh. And maybe, if I'm blessed, in the process I will find love again.

But regardless, I know when I am that old woman, sitting on the porch, I want to look back at my life and know I lived it to the fullest. That I loved others and they loved me and that my life, although marred by grief and sadness along the way, overall was a happy life, a life I enjoyed and lived to the fullest.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Pretty Peaceful Snow

Where does time go? I can't believe I haven't written since before Christmas and here it is now mid-February.  This morning the sun is shining, there's a bright blue sky, and the ground and trees are covered with freshly fallen snow.

We've gotten two snow storms in the past four days. I was thankfully able to stay home both times and, even more thankful, my brother-in-law and sister came and plowed my driveway. Of course, it took 12" of snow for me to accept the help. It is difficult for me to accept help. I have a snowblower, I am physically capable, and I still believe that accepting help is a sign of weakness.

Did accepting help make my life easier? Of course, but being independent and figuring out how to do things myself is what has gotten me through these past years. Do I like it? No. In fact, at this point, I feel I've proven I can do it, so now can I stop proving it? But I'm also careful about what you wish for and try to be thankful for the fact that I am physically capable of doing these things. Each day I try to remember to be thankful for my health since I know how quickly that can change.

Since I last wrote, two people in my life has passed--Michael Roberts and Auntie Gingy. Michael was Fr. Vern's friend and my acquaintance. After Fr. Vern passed, though, I made an effort to stay in touch with Michael and he suddenly died 3 weeks ago. I was just in shock that another person in my life was suddenly gone and at a young age. My Auntie Gingy, who has struggled with health issues for the past several months, declined suddenly and passed away 2 weeks ago. I regret that I didn't see her since December. I should have made it more of a priority. But I do cherish hearing her voice on my voicemail as well as the message Michael left me. I wish I had some of those from Ed. Being able to hear their recorded voice is a treasure.

Of course, these are reminders to appreciate each and every day. I make a concerted effort to spend time with friends and family and to be sure to tell those who are important in my life how much I care for them. For I am blessed with a wonderful circle of friends, friends I've met and made over the past few years, friends who help we get through each day.

The highs of time spent with friends also unfortunately draw attention to the lows when I'm alone. Some days these are the hardest times...being alone. There are days that go by when no one reaches out to me, no one seems to care. I know this isn't true...people are just busy, but this is where I go and when I miss the constant companionship of Ed. There are times when I can appreciate the aloneness, time that is mine alone, to spend how I want. I can sit in my pj's all day, watch Hallmark movies, have cereal for dinner. But I do miss that someone special who cares for me, loves me, where just simply being together makes us happy.  And I fear that, if I'm lucky to live another 30 years, that I will continue to be alone and I've learned that I don't want to be. But I had a great love already for 30 years; dare I dream of finding another?

So instead of fretting about the future, I need to focus on the present. I'm thankful for those family and friends who do care about me, who fill my life with laughter and happiness. And I'm thankful for the beautiful snow and the warmth of my home. And that is what I'll focus on.




The morning after...



My Story

Lately I find myself moving through the days, being with others, laughing, and living life. Days pass quickly and grief, sadness, and feelin...