Good Enough

I'm glad I posted Sunday evening because my mood turned south later that evening and continued until I kicked myself in the butt on my way to work yesterday.  I knew I could not go into the office and start crying at the drop of a hat.  So I got my head readjusted and made it through the workday yesterday focusing on work that needed to be done.  Because I need my job.  I need that stability.

I was planning to call my social worker from VNA Hospice yesterday but then realized I brought the wrong phone number with me.  Is that a sign that I really shouldn't call her or just my stupidity?  People say to look for signs from our loved ones, they're all around.  But I don't see signs from Ed and that bothers me.  I know others are trying to be comforting when they tell me about the signs they received from a loved one who has passed and that, if I pay attention, I'll see signs from Ed too.  But I don't see signs from Ed.  Do I believe he's watching over me?  Yes.  But these signs that everyone talks about are eluding me and I wonder why everyone else seems to get signs but not me.

I have to say I like the rain.  It matches my mood but also means that I don't have to come home from work and water the plants and tend to the yard.  Just let everything soak up the rain and continue to grow and be green.  Of course, remind me of this when I'm complaining about my plants being over watered or the lawn growing too quickly.  But for now, I'll enjoy the fact that the weather requires me to stay indoors and take things a little slower.

I talked to Dan last night.  The highlight of life. He's doing good at his job and I'm so proud of him.  Being totally selfish, I wish he were here with me.  But that would not be fair to him, so instead I cherish our moments when we talk or when we see each other and find pride in his success.  I am so blessed to have him in my life.  I look at him and know that he is the love of me and Ed combined.  And how lucky Ed was to see him grow into the man he is today.  Ed knew he was leaving me in good hands and he was so right.

So although I still move through this fog and finding any kind of happiness seems impossible, I do get up everyday and I do go to work and I do make a list of things to do around the house.  I keep myself busy.  And, for now, that will just need to be good enough.