Saturday

Ahh, Saturday morning.  And it's raining which is good and bad.  A perfect day to sleep in, but, no, here I am up at 6 AM.  But there are a number of things I want to get done today so I'm up and I've made a list and laundry is already going.  I've got my nieces dance recital this afternoon so that only leaves me the morning to be real productive.  The good news with the rain is that anything on my "outside" list of to do's, must wait. So I'll focus on my indoor to do's instead.  Hopefully tomorrow the sun will be out and I'll tackle the outside list then.

The bad news about the rain is that I worry about my garden.  I had already lost my squash and cucumber plants after the drenching rain in May.  Just this week I bought new plants and put those in (hindsight=I should have waited).  Oh well, I hope they survive this rain.  Time will tell.

Dan is not home this weekend and I miss him terribly but I know this is the right thing to do.  We both need to find a new pattern to our lives.  Of course, that said, we will see each other next weekend.  Not only is it the first Father's Day without Ed, but the 16th is also mine and Ed's wedding anniversary.  So I know Dan and I will spend some time together at least on Sunday since that will be a tough day for both of us.

And I still have my moments of missing Ed terribly.  They still sneak up at the oddest time.  Like last night while I was sitting in front of the TV having pizza for dinner.  It hit me that this was our regular routine.  Friday night was always pizza night and we would eat in front of the TV (every other night we would usually eat at the table).  And here I was last night by myself and it made me miss both Ed and Dan.

One thing I realized last night is that I find comfort in this blog and being able to go back and look at what was happening a year ago, two years ago, etc.  And so last night I was looking back a year and what I realized is that Ed was having a tough time about this time last year managing the side effects of the cancer.  And that pattern continued through this past year.  At the time, we were just trying to move through it, day by day.  But as I look back, I realize he was heavily fatigued and experiencing pain last year at this time.  There were things he couldn't do and then there were things I know now he pushed himself to do.  And I realize that he suffered longer than the one month in the hospital.  As he always said, he didn't want to be a "patient" and sick all the time.  And I can be less sad when I realize he was being strong and a fighter through last year.  And I know how lucky and blessed we were to have him this last year with Dan home with us and being able to go on the cruise together.  We did make great memories and although I miss him terribly and wish I could have made 30 more years of memories with him, I am thankful for what we had.  And I also realize that even if we had another 30 years together, the grief wouldn't be any less.

Today marks 1 week since Larry's funeral and I'm hoping I get through next week without any tragedies or major life events.  Ed ended up in the hospital about 1 week after Mike's funeral.  Larry ended up in the hospital about 1 week after Ed's funeral.  And today marks 1 week since Larry's funeral.  So I'm waiting and hoping tragedy can pass me by this time.  That I've had my "3" (which everyone says these things happen in 3s) and maybe now life can be boring again.  I can only hope!

In the meantime, though, I need to go be productive and get things done before I head off to my niece's recital with my Mom.  A good way to spend a rainy day!