Saturday, March 26, 2016

Daring to Acknowledge Happy Moments

I feel good this morning and yesterday I had many "happy" moments.  Not due to anything big and exciting, but instead in small ways:
  • I planned to leave the office early and it actually happened and without a lot of stress or effort!
  • I stopped and bought myself Easter plants...an Easter Lily and a pretty, pink Hyacinth.  Ed always went out on the Saturday before Easter and bought plants.  Some for my mother, sometimes for my sister, but always some for me.  I loved their smell and they brought springtime into the house.  So instead of wallowing in the sadness that Ed is not here to buy me these plants, I continue the tradition...myself.  And instead of being sad about it yesterday, it actually made me happy as I drove home and the smell of the flowers filled my car.
  • I then saw Ed's friend Marvin.  We chatted a bit...about how I'm doing, about Ed.  He remembers Ed every day and it made me happy that he has not only not forgotten but also that he talked freely to me about him. As we parted, we shared a big hug...our connection to each other being Ed and that this connection was still there, 3 years later.
  • I went to Good Friday service at the church and, even though the choir wasn't singing, a fellow alto and I sang our parts to the hymns and this brought me joy.  I am so thankful for my choir friends.
  • Dan came home last night.  We enjoyed homemade pizza together and then stayed up til midnight working on a jigsaw puzzle he bought for us and just listened to music and chatted and laughed.
And I recall happy moments spent with friends this past week. Time last Saturday spent with a friend just hanging out doing everyday things, enjoying each others company.  Time on Monday celebrating a birthday and sharing food, drink, and many, many laughs.


All happy moments.  Today, I am grateful that I am able to recognize and appreciate these moments.  For I know, at any time, I can find myself wallowing in my grief again and being consumed with sadness.

This time of year is especially difficult for me.  My brother's passing, Ed's passing, Larry's passing, Kay's passing.  The events of three years ago, etched so clearly in my memory.  Every day, every moment, as if it was yesterday.  I do not know how three years have passed.  I feel as though I am traveling through this abyss though.  The darkness surrounds me and I hold on fighting hard not to slip into the valley of grief and sadness.  As each day ticks by, I remember.  Tomorrow, March 27th, marks the day I called 911 and Ed went to the ER, never to come home again.  I relive every moment of that day.  And, tomorrow, is Easter.  Easter joy that has eluded me for three years.  Three years ago, we did not even celebrate Easter.  We foolishly thought we'd postpone it until Ed was out of the hospital and better.  Easter 2013 never happened for me or my family.  It was appropriate, though...only grief and sadness and death that year.

So at some level, I fear tomorrow.  Because as much as I try to focus on the good things and appreciate what I have in my life, grief does not work like that.  It's always lurking in the shadows, ready to pounce when you least expect it.  But what I know, and what I fight hard for, is getting through it.  Getting past the depths of tears and sadness to try to live.  To appreciate what I have.  To appreciate my friends and family.  To appreciate the happy moments.  Like those from yesterday and this past week...

Pretty Easter plants

Brings such peace...

From a hike we took on March 12th. So blessed to have such a great son!

Sunday, March 20, 2016

When I'm Gone Lyrics

I just came across this song, accidentally selecting it from Spotify.  The words move me deeply and tears fall from my eyes.  But the final lines give me a very small sliver of hope.  I hope I will learn where I belong...

A bright sunrise will contradict the heavy fog that weighs you down
In spite of all the funeral songs, the birds will make their joyful sounds

You'll wonder why the Earth still moves.
You'll wonder how you'll carry on.

But you'll be okay on that first day when I'm gone

Dusk will come with fireflies and Whippoorwill and crickets call.
And every star will take its place in silvery gown and purple shawl

You'll lie down in our big bed
Dread the dark and dread the dawn.

But you'll be alright on that first night when I'm gone.

You will reach for me in vain, you'll be whispering my name
As if sorrow were your friend and this world so alien

But life will call with daffodils and morning glorious blue skies.
You'll think of me - some memory, and softly smile to your surprise.

And even though you love me still, you will know where you belong.

Just give it time
We'll both be fine when I'm gone.

---"When I'm Gone" by Joey+Rory

 

My Story

Lately I find myself moving through the days, being with others, laughing, and living life. Days pass quickly and grief, sadness, and feelin...