New Routines (Sadly)

Since I'm heading back to work soon, I need to create some new routines so I'm going to try to update this blog each evening since I know my time in the mornings will be limited.

The day was busy with getting things done that have piled up over the past month.  I did spend a few hours outside raking and cleaning the flower beds.  I did a lot more than I had planned to but the physical work was good.  Of course, I'm told keeping busy is good for me.  However, raking does not occupy my mind and so I spent the whole time thinking about Ed--how caring for the yard was always his job (I took care of the house) or how if I raked (which I didn't mind doing), he always picked up the piles (the part I didn't like).  We had a good balance and complemented each other very well.

The sad moments still came and it's true that they sneak up on you.  For the first time in a month, I tried to sit down and read the newspaper and do the puzzle.  But as soon as I started the puzzle, I started tearing up.  This was my old routine...something I did every morning while Ed was still sleeping.  And today it made me sad and I had to put it aside because it reminded me of what is no longer.  At another time, I was looking through coupons/gift cards and came across the gift card my brother gave Ed for Christmas and the tears began to flow again both for the loss of Ed and my brother.  And as I sat at the kitchen table and had dinner alone I realized that this is going to be the first of many evenings I will be eating alone and it makes me miss Ed terribly and what will no longer be.  And it hurts so bad.

But the amount of time not crying outweighs the periods of crying so I guess that's a good thing.  I have begun wearing some of Ed's clothes--his t-shirts while I'm working in the yard; his sweatshirt while I'm lounging around the house--and they bring me such comfort.  Of course, I can tell I'm still not 100% focused as I looked down at my feet this evening and noticed I had two different socks on (although if you ask my nieces, this is fashionable).  And I laughed because I'm clearly still somewhat of a basket case!

Today while replaying moments of the past month and whether I should have done anything differently, I decided that I would commit myself to identifying one thing each day that I am thankful for.

Today's thankful thought:  I'm thankful that Ed and I had those three weeks together in the hospital where I could be with him every day, by his side, and care for him.  Although those days were draining, I know Ed knew I loved and cared for him and that he was the most important thing to me.  I was there each day with him and did what he wanted or needed me to do.  I was his protector, his decision maker, his confidant, his most-trusted friend, his love, his wife.   I am blessed that our final days together were spent with loving words and tenderness.  There was no rushing here or there, distracted by other life matters, or being impatient or short with each other.  Only loving words and 100% attention devoted to him for him.

Hanging on my refrigerator is the saying "Always leave loved ones with loving words; it may be the last time you see them." and it is something I strive for each day.  I am eternally grateful that I was able to do this with Ed every day for the last four weeks of his life.  For that I am thankful.

What are you thankful for today?