What to Write About...

Hmmm....what to write about this morning?  I have mixed feelings.

I could write about moments yesterday that made me smile.  For instance, when I was upstairs ironing Dan's dress shirts and I could hear him in the kitchen making dinner.  The familiar sound and routine reminded me of Ed.  Or sitting down to dinner with Dan--we so enjoy each other's company and we talked and laughed about what Ed would have commented on or done differently.

I could write about the bonehead move I made that resulted in a scrapped up leg, knee and elbow but I won't (since it was a bonehead move) but while treating my minor wounds, the slight pain made me think of Ed and the pain that he lived with so often and in his final days and how I cannot fathom what he was dealing with and holding in for so long.  And so I'm reminded to be thankful that he is no longer in pain.

I could write about the Ed's brother who was admitted to the hospital this weekend and I can't believe we are being dealt another health issue.  But I won't because I want to respect his privacy at this time.  But I do at least mention this because I want to ask you to keep him and his sister Mary in your prayers.  And I know Ed is watching over me and Dan, but yesterday I asked him to watch over his brother instead.

Or I could write about how, once again, I was in a ball of tears last night as I got ready for bed.  I could not tell you what triggered it--I think walking up the stairs to bed.  And I just began to totally miss Ed and became irrational and guilty about the times I lost patience with him or got angry with him and did he know how much I truly loved him.  And, yes, the rationale side of me knows that Ed knew how much we loved each other.  And, yes, the rationale side of knows that during 31 years together, there are moments you fight or lose patience or get angry.  But at 11:30 at night, you're not always rationale.  Dan was still awake so I was able to call him and just cry and poor Dan learned that all I needed in this situation was for him to listen and say the things I already knew.  I didn't need him to fix it.  I didn't need him to tell me I was wrong.  I just needed him to remind me what I already knew deep down inside, but my irrational mind was causing me to question it.  I am so blessed to have him in my life.

This week is typically a busy week for me.  There's something on the calendar every night and so my goal is to attempt to do some, most, or all of these things.  We'll see though.  I worry about finding the balance between work, home, and other activities.  I no longer have Ed to take care of all the little details and so making sure I manage my time effectively is important.  I also know making that first step back is difficult.  Greeting and seeing people, although I know they care and want to support me, can sometimes be difficult.  But I know the sooner I do it, the sooner it will be done.  Kind of like pulling that bandaid off.  It hurts more, the more slowly you go.

And on that note, I need to get ready for work.  A five-day workweek.  Am I ready for it?  We'll find out.  The good news is with some my extracurricular activities this week, I will have no choice but to be sure to leave the office at a reasonable hour.  Wish me luck...