My sister Theresa dropped off a nice dinner for me and Dan last night--chicken francaise and green beans. Dan didn't get home until after 8:30 but I waited for him so we could eat dinner together. She also gave me this special necklace for wearing Ed's wedding band. I've been wearing his ring on my right ring finger with my anniversary diamond for over a month now and taking it off makes my finger feel light/empty. So we're assessing the necklace to see if I like the weight on my neck. It was very thoughtful of her.
As I look back on Friday, there are two things that stick out for me though. The first is that I realize I didn't cry at all yesterday. On one hand I realize this is a good thing. On the other, I feel a sense of guilt because Ed deserves my tears and without them I feel like I'm doing him some sense of injustice. Of course, I realize that the tears usually come at night, when I'm home alone. But last night I had Dan here and he filled that void and provided me with company and warmth such that I fell asleep in front of the TV like I used to do when Ed was here.
Although there weren't tears, there were certainly moments of sadness. One that hit me by surprise is when I picked up the mail and there were no cards. People have been so sweet and generous and there have been cards throughout the past month--when Ed was in the hospital and then every day since he passed. Friday was the first day without any cards in the mail and it was just a sign that things are returning to normal for everyone. But this normal is without Ed and that is sad.
I know, I know...the rational side of me does recognize that there are only so many cards you can get and that they won't continue infinitely and I appreciate all those that have been sent. But it is just one of those moments and those of you who have been through this before I know understand what I'm saying even though it doesn't make logical sense. But I don't have to make logical sense, do I? I think I get a bye on that lately!
So today we begin the weekend and Dan is home and we have a few things on our list to do. Dan is planning to build me a gardening bed. This is something Ed and I had talked about last year. Ed used to keep a large garden but we stopped that a couple years back. We just couldn't keep up with it, the trees were now blocking too much of the sun, and the groundhog kept eating everything. So for the past couple years we resorted to patio tomatoes which was all I really needed. But last year we talked about a small raised bed and Dan wants to build this for me. So I'll be sure to let you know how that turns out!
And speaking of all those cards we've received, I do need to work on writing thank you's. Because I do want to thank all of you who have been so kind and caring during this difficult time.
Oh, and before I forget, my thankful thought for today: I am thankful for Dan. I know this is a given but without him this would be so much more difficult. He is me and Ed combined...our legacy and our love and we couldn't be more proud of him and I smile at the 25 years the three of us shared together. The day before Ed passed, he told Dan he needed to take care of me (even though he knew I was strong). And Dan has become my rock and at times I'm sad because I don't want to burden him with this responsibility. But we lean on each other and together we keep Ed's memory alive every day. I love you Dan and you know your father is so proud of you and I am too.
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