Death Is Nothing At All

I am tired this morning.  Yesterday was a long day.

Work was good, I have FINALLY caught up on email!!  What an accomplishment!  Of course, we won't talk about what has probably accumulated since 5 PM last night.  But what a great feeling.  And, unfortunately for others, I'm beginning to generate emails--starting to take action and follow-up on things.  In other words, starting to be productive!  People at work, though, are still so kind and the random kind words or hugs are very sweet and heartfelt.

Although it wasn't planned, I ended up going to the rectory to have dinner with Fr. Vern last night.  What a treat that was!  His friend Dennis was supposed to be there but was delayed.  So the two of us had a relaxing evening, chatting and then enjoying the great meal he cooked.  Anyone who knows Fr. Vern, knows he loves to cook and does a great job.  We talked about cooking for one--not sure I could ever put the time into preparing a meal like he did (or that Ed did).  Some things didn't take too much time or effort (that yummy asparagus), but the Vichyssoise certainly did.  Of course, the meal was not good for my waistline!

After dinner, since I was right there (was it a ploy by Fr. Vern?), I went to choir rehearsal.  It was great to see everyone.  My choir family has been so kind, thoughtful, and supportive with both my brother's passing and Ed's.  Each step back into my routine is a step forward which is both good and bad--good because I need to; bad (or is "sad" a better word to use) because it's a reminder that I'm moving ahead without Ed.

I also made an appointment yesterday for a colonoscopy.  I turned 50 back in September and so my doctor ordered it.  It is well known that I am awful about calling and making appointments.  The doctor's office had called the house a couple times to schedule the appointment but since I wasn't home it was always on me to return the call.  And Ed kept nagging me to make the appointment and you would think with Ed having colon cancer I wouldn't keep dragging my feet.  Regardless, I finally pulled out the reminder note, in Ed's handwriting, and scheduled the appointment and I know that pleased Ed.  It saddens me, though, that Ed is not here to be with me for the prep or to take me to the appointment because that is his job, just like I took him.  My own fault, though.  I could have, and should have, scheduled this sooner.

So I got home late last night.  Then had to do the normal things like go through mail, wash my lunch containers, and then had to post some documents to the church Web site.  So I didn't get to sleep until after 11.  As usual, I woke up again within the first hour.  I did not wake up at 2 PM, but closer to 3 PM and then slept restlessly after that.  I know my dreams included Ed but I don't recall the dreams themselves.

The hurt was still there last night as I headed to bed, but no irrational tears.  I received a card yesterday that had the following poem enclosed which touched my heart and so I wanted to share it.

Death is Nothing At All

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me.  Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere.  Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well.

Funeral Death Poem by Henry Scott Holland ~ 1847-1918
Canon of St. Paul's Cathedral ~ London, UK