Secrets

I sit here this morning and wonder what to write.  My feelings are blank this morning.  There's that pit in my stomach and the general sadness and emptiness that surrounds me.  I see the Robins in the bush out front where I found another nest, but it does not make me smile this morning.  There is a clear blue sky with the sun peeking through the trees but it doesn't lift my spirits this morning.  I slept good last night but I did not wake up refreshed.  And I am puzzled how my mood can be what it is with what feels like little control by me.

I am also torn this morning because I have been keeping a secret from all of you and I know if I share it, it will help with the heaviness in my heart.  But I've hesitated to share because it's about someone else and I want to respect their privacy.  But I realize in doing so, I am not truly sharing my feelings or my journey and whether I want to admit it or not, this secret is part of my sad moments.

I think earlier I did ask for prayers for Ed's brother Larry.  Larry is the youngest of the three of them-there's Ed, Mary, and then Larry who is just 55.  Last week Larry was diagnosed with stage IV pancreatic cancer.  This all has been happening since Ed's funeral.  In fact, the day of Ed's wake, Larry had an ultrasound followed by a CT scan that Monday.  He was waiting for an appointment for a biopsy when his sister Mary took him to the ER and they found he had blood clots in his legs.  He is currently in Baystate and has had procedures to insert an IVC filter and then a port.

Dan and I went to see him on Saturday and the familiarity of the hospital and some of Larry's mannerisms that were so similar to Ed's that they brought me back to the time Ed was in the hospital.  And my instinct was to take charge--to analyze his medical condition, to monitor his pain levels, to hold his hand.  But that is not my role here.  Instead, all I can do is be there for him and his sister.  For I am not Larry's primary caregiver or advocate.  His feelings and struggles and decisions are his and not mine to relieve, to try to fix, to weigh in on... Instead, I can just be and let him and Mary know they are in my thoughts and prayers each day and, when they need it, to answer questions based on my personal experience and Ed's journey.   And although I want to keep Ed with me, to watch over me, I instead ask him to watch over them. For we've made this journey and there's nothing I can do to make it any easier for them.

So on this day, please keep Larry and Mary in your prayers.