Trying to Find Happiness

I miss the days when I used to sleep so soundly.  Ed used to get up frequently and there were times he would go sleep in the living room because he "didn't want to wake me up".  I kept telling him I never even hear him get up.  And it was true.  I would go to bed and would fall quickly into a deep sleep and not awake until morning.  How I long for those days again when I slept so peacefully.  Now I wake frequently and my sleep is restless.  I remember last year when a bat ended up in the house and it was flying around our bedroom one evening.  I had woken up and noticed it and now I go to bed each night fearing the same thing.  Not that any one of us (Dan was home too at the time) could do much to prevent it and we all looked pretty silly trying to get rid of it.  But now I'm alone if something like this happens again.  Would I deal with it if it did happen again?  Sure.  But do I want to?  No.

I find I also don't like the silence in the house.  Ed always had the TV on and it used to drive me crazy.  Now I have the TV on because it fills the heavy silence.  Some people find comfort and peace in the silence, but for me, at least for now, it's too deafening and lonely.

I do try to find the slight glimpses of happiness in my life, but it is so hard.  I'm afraid at times that I won't find it again.  I worked in the yard the other day and my mother asked if I found joy doing that.  I don't know what joy is right now.  Did I find satisfaction in a job well done...yes.  Did I find joy?  I can't say I did.  Joy is alluding me right now.  Will it ever return?  Will I ever laugh and smile again from pure enjoyment?  Right now I don't know.  I know that needs to be my goal.  And while I can't imagine joy and happiness without Ed, I also fear that I won't be able to find it either without him.

I am so thankful for my family and friends though because they keep me going.  And I'm someone who needs to make lists and get things done.  And I have too many things that need to be done to just wallow in my misery.

But I can't live in fear and misery.  So I'll arise each day and I will put one foot in front of the other and move through my day.  I will find small things to smile about.  Such as our beautiful rhododendron bushes that look gorgeous with all their flowers.  My neighbor asked what I did to make them look so good. My answer?  Ed.  Because I don't know what he did.  But he pruned them and shaped them and they are truly gorgeous.  I also noticed this morning flowers blooming on the rose bush that I bought for us to mark our 25th wedding anniversary.  And the bunnies are in the yard again.  How Ed loved them and he would always left them treats.  And yesterday I found a small snapping turtle outside the garage when I went to leave for work.  I'm glad I noticed it because I was able to move it out of the tire path.  Otherwise there would have been a crunch when I backed out (yuck)!

So appreciate the joy and happiness in your life and be sure to recognize it.  It is so easy to focus on the things negatives--the stress of work, the demands of home and family.  But try to find the bright spots and the good things.  I used to be so good at doing that and so, again today, I will try to focus on these things even if they are some and only last a moment.  I hope you do the same.

One of our two rhododendron bushes

Our beach rose bush.

The little turtle I found yesterday morning.