Four Weeks

I was so glad to see the rain yesterday afternoon.  And the cloudy, gray day this morning matches my mood.  I still find it very hard to believe this is now my life.  I continue to make my "to do" lists and I work hard to be productive.

Yesterday, Dan and I planted our vegetables and then I planted some grass seed in bare spots in the yard as the rain was beginning to fall.  I did not get everything done that I had intended.  It amazes me how some things take so long for me to do.  I guess I'm just slower.

I am so thankful for Dan and then I'm sorry that he has to carry such a burden which is me.  I slept well Friday and Saturday night while he was home.  Not that I realized it at the time.  But as the tears flowed last night as I went to bed, it was only then that I realized that this did not happen Friday or Saturday night and the only difference was that Dan was in the house.

I know that it is not healthy that my comfort is so dependent on him.  How could Ed have been so right that I would need Dan so much?  I would have denied it a thousand times a month ago.  I remember the Hospice staff saying one of the things they provide is bereavement support for the family and how important that was.  I certainly didn't think so.  All I cared about was Ed's care and that bereavement support was not something on their list of services that I needed.  How naive was I?

I did cook dinner yesterday for me and Dan.  Yes, I did the "c" word ("cook").  First, though, I had leftover hamburg from Saturday night so I made mini meatloafs for us both to have during the week.  Of course, my mini meatloafs turned out more like supersize meatballs.  I don't know why I made them so small.  If I think about it, I know hamburg shrinks when you cook it.  I guess my judgement is just off.  I then baked some chicken, mashed potatoes, and roasted asparagus for dinner.  The chicken ended up okay although I wanted it browned a bit more than it did.  And this was my second package of chicken.  I had to throw out the first package because I forgot to put it in the frig and it sat in the sink overnight.  I certainly wasn't going to risk making us sick!  But these are just examples of things I do that show me I'm not firing on all cylinders.  I forget things and I'm not quite on top of things as I used to be.

This morning marks 4 weeks since Ed passed and this makes me terribly sad.  How in the world has 4 weeks passed?  I pull out the calendar and recount the weeks again.  Yes, it really has been 4 weeks.  Where have I been for 4 weeks?  What have I been doing?  The photo boards Dan and I prepared for his service still stand in the dining room.  Ed's sneakers still sit in the hallway inside the front door.  And his slippers are still by his recliner.  I'm not ready to put any of them away.  And I know you're all saying "that's fine", "take your time"...and I will.

Time marches on and I hate it.  And the pain and tears still come...not because I want them to nor can I stop them.  I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach that rises up to my chest and my heart aches and then I feel the pain in my throat and then the tears come.  And I realize I have not been this sad or cried this much in my entire life.  If I totalled up all the sadness and all the tears over my 50 years, they could never even come close to the pain and sadness and tears of the past 2 months.  And I know this also means that I've had a very happy life and I should be happy.  It is just so hard.