Preparing to Die

Dammit....  Just when I think I'm doing better, the grief comes.  It sneaks up on you, when you least expect it.  And all I can focus on are the things I should have done or said.  I spent yesterday working in the yard--mowing and trimming.  And it makes me sad since this was something Ed always did and how I wish I had spent more time doing this with him, working alongside him.  But instead, we each had our separate list of "to do's" and what I would given to have him here so we could do more of the everyday things together.

And we did do everyday things together, but when you're grieving, you don't think rationally.  For example, I remember how much he loved going grocery shopping and we would only go together when I knew I could afford the time to make this an adventure.  If I wanted to get in and out, I didn't bring Ed.  For Ed loved to walk up and down every aisle and browse and figure out what he might want to buy to cook.  It was an adventure and not something you could rush or just check off your list.

But I also look back at a year ago and remember how tired and achey Ed was.  And as I look back I realize he was in pain and tired for a long time, but we both tried to just move on and ignore it.  Or as I like to call it "live life".  And as I try to learn about how to take care of all the things around the house, I'm mad that we didn't plan better.  For we knew he had cancer, but we never talked about what I needed to know to take care of things around the house or with the vehicles.  Ed just took care of these things even just days before he went into the hospital.

On one hand I guess it's a good thing.  We lived life each day and did not focus on "when I die".  Sure we made some jokes and there were a few small things we discussed.  But you would think I would have filled a notebook of all the things I needed to know or do once Ed was gone.  But we didn't.  And on one hand, I'm mad that we were so unprepared for this.  But then again, if I've learned anything, you need to focus on life and not death.  You need to live each day as if it's your last, but that does not mean spending all your time focusing on and preparing to die.

Because no matter what, there is just not enough time.  In days, in weeks, in years.  And if I could have one more day with Ed would I want to spend it asking him about where to bring my car, or how to run the mower?  Or would I just want to spend it sitting with him, in his arms, and recalling fond memories and telling each other how much we love each other.

You decide...