Friends and Memories

Today went quickly which I guess is a good thing.  I had a number of errands I needed to run, those things you can only do Mon-Fri between 9-5...not easy to do when you work full-time.  So among other things, I made a number of phone calls, returned medical supplies to Cooley, and had a nice lunch with my mom.  There was a level of comfort going to Cooley.  I guess I shouldn't be surprised since that's where I spent every day for three weeks, where Ed spent his last days, and I clearly have grown fond of the place and the people there.

Lunch with my mother was nice--a rare treat.  Although it saddens me that we now have this special bond and commonality.  Not only did she lose her husband (my father) 23 years ago, but she also just lost my brother who lived with her.  So we are both currently mourning together.  The same is true with my friend Anna (who lost her husband Bob in February) and my sister-in-law Mary (who lost her husband Billy 5 years ago).  And I find myself drawn to these woman because until you lose your spouse, you truly do not understand the depth of pain and grief.  But what I wouldn't give to not be part of this special club.

This afternoon I also stopped at the Spirit Haus to see Marvin and then stopped at Amherst Glass to see Grover.  Seeing Ed's friends makes me feel a bit closer to Ed and helps to keep his memory alive.

And although I'm trying to be productive and move forward, I still miss Ed at every moment.  I'm learning to focus on the memories and all the positive things we shared even though it is easy for my mind to dwell on the things that will not be and the time lost together.  And I still rethink the past month and whether things I did or decisions made had any impact on where we ended up.  But I know this is not healthy and so I focus on the blessings and the things I need to be thankful for.

So what am I thankful for today?  I am thankful for the friends and family that Ed had and the impression he left on all of them and for the kind words and memories that they share with me about Ed.  I'm learning what a positive impact he had on many people and am still amazed at how often Ed spoke highly about me and Dan.  For I never doubted his love for both of us, but never imagined how often he told others about us.

I love you Ed and the house is empty without you.  And my heart aches and the tears flow as I walk through this house and I keep waiting for you to come through the door and then I realize you won't and I'm here and alone and you won't be back here again.  At least not physically.  People tell me you are with me and watching over me and Dan--but I don't feel it yet and I don't see the signs everyone says I'll see...and I miss you so.  But I know each day will get easier and I know you will continue to live on in me, Dan, and the memories of all your dear friends and family.  Our lives will never be the same and my heart still breaks...