Love and Support

My mind is going in a million different directions this morning.  That might explain why I woke up at 5 am and couldn't get back to sleep.  Did you know that I used to get up at 5:30 am routinely back when life was "normal".  But there has been nothing "normal" about the 4 weeks Ed was in the hospital.  And although sleep was restless early in the evening, I was thankful that I did usually sleep from about 2 am until about 6:30 each morning.  That became my new "normal".

I am trying to find the right words to describe yesterday.  Dan and I had our short list of "to do's" that included mundane things like ironing and laundry.  Mid-day we actually sat and watched a movie.  Nothing worth mentioning, just some comedy to distract us from the world around us.  It was then time for the wake.

The viewing was private.  Ed had very few specific requests but this was one of them.  And as I kneeled next to him and touched him, it was as natural as all those days I sat next to his hospital bed and touched him and held his hand.  But now he was at peace and I was comforted by that because looking at him last night, I truly understood how much he struggled these last couple weeks.  And I will always cherish the last days and weeks we spent together for I know how truly blessed both of us were to have this time.

The wake itself was mind numbing.  I was totally unprepared and amazed at the number of people that showed up.  There was a fleeting moment at the beginning when I thought "what if no one shows up?"  So I was totally unprepared for the continuous line of people.  People who knew me, Dan, Mary, Larry, my family; but mostly people who knew Ed--from work, from Pine Grove, neighbors, players and parents from his coaching days, friends that he knew from everyday living.  Ed would be so amazed and touched by the outpouring of love and support.  They all had such nice things to say about Ed and what a good guy or friend he was and I am touched.

And I am amazed at the number of people who mentioned how much Ed talked about me and Dan.  I always knew, without any doubt, that he loved us.  But I never knew he talked to others so much about us.  And so I find peace and comfort knowing that, not only in dying, but in living every day life, that he knew our love for him and that this brought him such pride and joy.

I know today will be most difficult and I will cry with sadness at what is lost.  But I also know we will laugh as we recall great memories or those small moments that Ed would so enjoy.  And he will be there with us wanting to comfort me and put his arm around me when I am weak.  But I also know he will be smiling and smirking at the funny moments as well.

We will get through this day because we have no other choice.  It is the days that follow that scare me the most...