Tonight, as I sit alone in the house after Dan has returned to his apartment, I have decided to pour myself a glass and update the blog this evening. For tonight marks exactly one week since Ed passed. It was exactly 1:55 am that Cooley called to let me know. So before I become totally saddened by this milestone, I want to recap our day which for the most part was a pretty good day considering.
In case you haven't realized it already, I have the most wonderful son in the world. Not only has he been my rock this past week and being my shoulder to cry on, this morning he joined me so that I wouldn't have to attend church alone. Now I know this sounds crazy since everyone at church cares about me and Dan. But there are some first steps coming up that will be difficult--going to church, going to choir, going to work. So it was very comforting this morning to have Dan with me so I would not be alone.
After Mass, we drove over to the cemetery to visit Ed. We took some pictures, talked about grave markers, and took a few flowers and a ribbon from the arrangement we bought. It was a peaceful visit and we both commented how we could stop by to visit--Dan when he's coming to/from Waltham as he drives right past and me after Mass each week. Of course my sad moment came when I acknowledged that there will be a time when coming to see Ed won't be the priority--that something else will come up, something else will be more important, and that saddens me because I can't fathom that at this time and, in truth, I don't want that moment to ever come. But I know it will and today, that makes me sad. Maybe I should seriously consider visiting the cemetery less frequently. After all, I can visit with Ed just as easily sitting here at home with a glass of Sangria in my hand!
Today Dan and I also cooked burgers on the grill. That was one thing Ed taught me to do last summer. It was always Ed's job to grill, but last year I told him I needed to learn to do this and I did. Of course Dan helped me "inspect" the grill because I'm paranoid about gas grills (for those who don't know that is because we had a gas grill fire many years ago and Ed suffered burns from it). We did pretty good cooking the burgers and had a nice dinner before Dan headed back to Waltham.
After Dan left, I went outside and did some raking. I have created my "to do" list and have many things I want to get done in the next couple days before I return to work. I am so touched by the neighbors who came to the wake or funeral (or both) or have stopped by the house. I am perplexed by those, though, that knew Ed and haven't acknowledged his passing. We live on a short, dead-end street where we know everyone and this thought came to mind as I was raking by the edge of the road and they would just drive by me. I know some people don't know what to say when someone passes, but I learned many years ago when my father passed away, that not saying anything at all is much worse. A simple "I'm sorry for your loss" suffices and is much better than avoiding me or the topic. Your lesson for today.
My funny moment today happened this morning. CVS called, as they frequently do, regarding Ed's prescriptions (when they think they need refilling, they will call us). The gentleman on the line was leaving a message for Ed to call him back so I picked up the call. "Is Ed there?" he asked. To which I simply replied "No, he passed away." And I said it so matter-of-fact...it just came out and when the poor guy on the other end of the line stammered and was like "oh, uh, oh", I just laughed to myself (I laughed out loud only after hanging up the phone). I know, it really wasn't funny, but that poor guy from CVS did not know what to do or say. At least he said he's update Ed's profile so they will stop calling!
Although we had a busy day, it was not without thoughts of Ed and missing him terribly. Again, it was small things that crept up on me--seeing candy I had given him that went unfinished, his sneakers in the hallway. I still can't grasp the idea that he is gone. How do people every day just pass away and life continues on for everyone else? And this is where faith helps me. That there is something bigger and greater than our lives on this Earth and that death is not the end but the beginning of something so wonderful and that we will meet again. And if I am wrong, I will never know and so to live with this faith gives me the comfort I need.
I am so thankful for Dan and our love for each other because without him I fear the darkness I could easily slip into. But I won't allow myself to because Dan is a reflection of mine and Ed's love and my love for Dan and his love for me sustains me and helps me go on. And even though the pain and grief I feel today is so great, I would not trade the love and joy Ed and I shared. And as I told Dan, love is worth the grief.
So before I get too weepy, I'll end my note for today and pour myself another glass from that bottomless box of Sangria! Cheers!
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| A picture from Christmas of our Box O Sangria! |
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