Made It Through the Night

For some reason I'm proud of the fact that I made it through last night.  I had my weepy moment before bed.  It just comes when I least expect it.  When my thoughts creep in and I'm reminded that Ed is gone and he won't be back.  That is what breaks my heart the most and I still can't grasp or understand how a person can be here one moment and gone the next.  And I wonder how long I will need to live my life this way.  And I know that my hours of mourning are turning into days and weeks and then months and at some point I will pick my head up and we will be marking years since Ed passed.  And I just can't fathom time moving on without him.  It seems so unfair.

And the pain wouldn't be any less if he was 70 or 80 or 90.  When you fall in love and marry someone and spend your life with them, the hurt and emptiness will be there no matter how long you are together.  And death will always come--it is inevitable--and so I am surprised at how unprepared we are for it.

Last night the same sleep pattern happened--I woke less than an hour after going to bed.  However, I woke at 2:30 am...not 2:00 am like every night previously.  I also slept past 6:30...  I take these as signs that life is slowing moving forward for me...maybe just by 15 or 30 mins, but a change.

And as I walked into the kitchen this morning and opened the curtains, the tears came again.  Just for a brief moment and the hurt was in my heart.  And the hurt is still here as I write to all of you.  And it's Monday and everyone is getting back to their lives--going back to "normal" or finding their new "normal".  Maybe it was a mistake not to go to work today.  But I have a list of things that need to get done and some of these things need to occur during business hours.  And not getting them done will just stress me out more.  Since anyone who knows me, knows I like to be in control and be on top of things.  So this past month plus the weeks prior when we were dealing with the passing of my brother, really kicked me on my butt.

But I came downstairs, brewed myself a cup of coffee, and turned on the news.  An old routine I haven't experienced in over a month.  And I'm learning to find joy and solace in little things--for the Keurig that Ed bought us for Christmas 2011 and even though it was more expensive than our regular coffee, that Ed enjoyed having specialty coffee every day and it was well worth the extra cost; for the fact that Ed straightened out our Charter bill and got new DVR boxes (at no additional charge) for our TVs and so I'm watching HD while sitting in my office.  And this has been our home since 1982.  Everything that surrounds me is from our wonderful life together in this home and so I do find such comfort and love and warmth here.  It is our home.  It is Dan's home.  It will always be Ed's home.