It's the Little Things

Once again the sun has risen and another day has dawned.  Life goes on and how can this be when there is a large hole where Ed used to be?  I have always believed the words I told others when they lost a loved one--"they will live on in your memories", "they are always with you."  And I do believe this, but there is this emptiness where Ed once was...a hole in the universe for the space and time that he occupied.  I know that birth is a miracle and now I have learned that death is a mystery.  And the only comfort I can find is that Ed is certainly at peace and with our loving God and we will meet again.

For the most part, Dan and I are doing okay or at least the best we can.  Preparing for the wake and funeral keeps us occupied.  And yesterday we went to the store to pickup some basic essentials and although it felt "normal", the moment would always come to remind me that there is nothing "normal" right now and how could we be going about "normal" things when Ed is not here.  Ed would be proud of us though for taking care of things that he usually did for us.

It was good to be outside yesterday and also to open the doors and windows to let in some of the warmth.  Ed loved the spring.  It meant working in the yard and his flowers around the house were beginning to bloom.  And I have to admit that I found comfort that the days were still cold while Ed was in the hospital and so he wasn't missing anything by not being outside.

What we are realizing is that it's the little things that catch us by surprise--getting the mail and seeing both envelopes with Ed's name and those where his name would normally be included; seeing "record Red Sox opener" or "fix Ed's gmail" on my to do list and knowing that the completion of these tasks were fruitless; noticing that Dan sleeps with his bedroom door open now...  These moments of sadness sneak up on us and hit us when least expected.  But I am soooo thankful that Dan and I are together so that when these moments hit, we can hug each other.  And then I am reminded that we are blessed to have each other and to have these stupid moments because it means that Ed lived and that we loved.

I am so sure that the wake and funeral will be exhausting.  Dan and I both commented last night how tired we were after really doing nothing all day.  The emotional toll is amazing and it has been a very long month.  But life marches on and we'll continue to take it one day at a time.  For what other choice do we really have?