Emptiness

I debated whether to post this morning.  But this blog not only kept you all updated on Ed's progress but it provided me an outlet to share my thoughts and feelings.  Yes, it was about Ed.  But it also is about me and Dan and those family and friends who enrich our lives.  So I will continue to post for now.  Because as much as I hate it (oops, there's that 4-letter word again), life does go on.  And I know the pain will lessen with each day and that I will feel the love of Ed in the quiet moments and the gentleness of the breeze.  Right now, though, all I feel is emptiness.

Dan and I were busy yesterday tending to all the necessary arrangements.  At the end of the day, we were exhausted having been up since 2 am, but also the emotional toll the day had on us.  We spent two hours at Beers & Story making arrangements (Wendy Story is absolutely amazing).  Although I didn't tell Ed this, last week I did reach out to Wendy to begin planning and so I was prepared for some of the logistical decisions we needed to make.  But together Dan and I made the decisions from prayer cards to a guest book to the ultimate decision of picking Ed's casket (which Dan was instrumental in doing since he is so attuned to details).  We then went to the florist to order a casket spray where we both acknowledged that this is something Ed was much better suited to.  He knew how to arrange flowers and put the right combination together.  We laughed about how I just tend to stick them in a vase (and it looks that way) while Ed would trim and arrange and combine flowers to make a beautiful arrangement.  We laughed that he was surely rolling his eyes at us at that moment.

When we got home, we needed to finish Ed's obituary.  I had written an initial draft last week since I had plenty of time to think about the things I wanted to include and say.  Dan then took this draft and edited it and refined it.  As Dan pointed out, it has always been me editing his drafts whether it was a paper for school or his resume or a cover letter and now here the roles were reversed.  And he did an amazing job and his ability to pull the information together in a beautiful way warmed my heart.  His Dad would be so proud.

I know I used to post how difficult the evenings were and last night was no different.  But what was different was that this morning was difficult as well.  For, even as recently as yesterday, I would wake and head to the hospital where I would see Ed and hold his hand.  But today, when I woke, there is no seeing Ed and that emptiness is there...in my heart and in my life.

Dan and I have our "to do" list and so we will once again keep ourselves occupied with the busyness of these things.  First off is ordering some edible arrangements for nurses/staff at Cooley.  As Dan noted, this was one of Ed's dying wishes.  And this makes me smile.  For anyone who saw me in the hospital knew I had a small, white notebook which I kept with me always.  This is where I kept notes each day--times things where happening, meds being administered, etc. (those I work with who are reading this are not surprised by this at all).  In this notebook, I also had a section in the back where I kept my "to do" list which Ed knew about.  On Saturday, he asked me where my notebook was (I thought maybe he wanted to write me something--ha!) and then gave me specific instructions to add to my to-do list to order these edible arrangements.  Then he laughed and smiled and rubbed my head and said to me "like you don't have enough to do already".  It is recalling these special moments and sharing them with you, that will help us fill the emptiness.