Scattered Blueberries

Sometimes it is the small things that stir up and awaken the grief that is always present just below the surface of my emotions.  I've seen it before, when something innocuous happens and I'm suddenly overcome with sadness and tears and an overwhelming feeling of helplessness.

The last few days have been a mix of emotions.  This past weekend I went to visit Dan.  Time with him is always good but there were a few times when we were talking about Ed that the tears came.  But that is expected as we talked about fond memories or things that will never be.

I ended up staying overnight at Dan's apartment and this brought a mix of emotions as well.  It was Ed's idea to make sure Dan had a futon so that Ed could stay overnight when he went out to play golf with Dan.  That was the plan, but time ran out before Ed could do this.  Now I was taking his planned place on that futon.  And although I was sad that Ed only saw Dan's apartment the one day we moved him in, I reminded myself to be thankful that he saw it at all.  To this day I know Ed could rest knowing Dan had his job and his apartment...he was on his way and would be okay.

Yesterday I was so proud of myself as I followed up on things related to all those things Ed took care of--the gas insert, the water filter, insurance, and cable.  Were they big or difficult tasks?  No, but I would like to think Ed is proud that I'm stepping up to take care of these things and, for me, it makes me feel a bit more in control.

One of the things I needed to take care of last night was to finish freezing the blueberries my mother gave me.  I had put them on a pan the night before and put them in the freezer.  Last night I needed to vacuum seal them.  As I went to freezer and opened the door, the pan slipped out and suddenly there were blueberries scattered all over the kitchen floor.  I stood there in disbelief.  Really?  It was late in the evening and I just wanted to finish this job before I put my head to rest for the day.  And then something surprising happened....I laughed.  I stood there looking down at about a hundred blueberries that now dotted at least half of the kitchen floor.  And I just shrugged and shook my head...and laughed.  As I proceeded to pick them all up, I suddenly was surprised to to realize I wasn't in a pile of tears.  This one event, that any other day in the past three months, would have totally knocked me for a loop, did not.  If Ed was here, he would have come out into the kitchen, hearing the pan crash to the floor, and would have laughed at me.  And so I laughed.  And I appreciated the fact that I could.

Of course, I'm not naive enough to know that I'll laugh next time.  But for today, I'll smile when I remember the scattered blueberries and be thankful that not everything knocks me for a loop...at least for this one moment, but I'll take it.