Keeping Busy

I feel bad that I haven't written.  This week has been busy (which is a good and bad thing all at once) and I'm doing okay.  I don't have strong emotions one way or another and that is when I'm usually inspired to write something.

My weekend was busy with a lot of "to do's".  I came to the realization that it is not a reasonable goal to try to complete everything on my "to do" list.  That is because I've realized my "to do" list has changed.  In the past, my list did consist of those things that I expected or planned to complete--clean bathrooms, grocery shopping, laundry, paying bills, doing my nails, responding to an email, etc.  Simple things that you do and cross off your list.  But without Ed, my list has now changed to include things that need to be done around the house--paint the hatchway, seal the ramp to the shed, clean the garage, look into paving the driveway, redo the front deck, etc.  And most of these things don't need to be done now, but rather need to be done at some point and so they go on the list.  It's all just part of caring for a home.  And so my list will never be totally crossed off because there is always something that needs to be done.  Maybe not today, but maybe for the future.  So I'll maintain my longer-term list and still create my short-term list so I can still cross things off and feel a sense of accomplishment.  I'm just reminded of all the things Ed just took care of without me even thinking or even noticing.

And I realize how lucky I was that I didn't even have to think about these things.  We had a good balance and I know I was also spoiled because Ed took care of so much and I'm sorry that I didn't always recognize it at the time.  Instead I would tend to notice the things that he didn't get to.  But I do know and find comfort that I did show my appreciation when he did take care of a job that was particularly annoying me.  He took such good care of our home and of me...and I do recognize how lucky (and spoiled) I was.

This week has been busy with work and things on my calendar every night this week.  I was a bit worried because I know I don't like being out every night after work.  So I'm hoping as the week goes on, it doesn't catch up with me.

Tonight I have my first bereavement support group meeting.  I hesitate as I write that because I feel like I'm admitting some level of failure.  That going to a support group shows weakness.  The logical side of me knows that this is not true; but the emotional side feels differently.  And although I hesitate to share this, I do because I've been feeling "okay" this week.  I've been keeping busy and moving through life and the crying spells have not crept up on me in the past week.  So I'm leery that going to this group is going to dredge up all those feelings again.  Not that they are not there.  But I feel like I've done better this week coping.  Maybe it's an illusion.  Maybe it's just because I've kept myself busy.  Who knows.  As I've learned, you can't always explain how you feel and you also can't predict how you will feel from one moment to the next.  So I'm recording this fact so after tonight I can share how things went.  Only time will tell...