Capturing Moments

There are moments of brightness that I feel I need to capture so I know that they are there...scattered in between the grief.  For I know when grief overwhelms me I can't see through the darkness or that there is even any brightness to behold.

Since Ed's passing, people have been telling me I will be happy again.  That's an odd thing...and the word "happy" can seem hopeful, but it is also scary at the same time.  Right now, do I define myself as "happy"--absolutely not.  And at some level, I fear being happy because would that mean that Ed, and the loss of him, is moving into the recesses of my mind.  Are there good and happy moments?  Yes, there are beginning to be and, even more surprising, is that I am beginning to be able to recognize them.  So that is the purpose of today's post.

Two things happened today that truly made me smile and warm my heart (it's difficult for me to use the word "happy").

First, the folks at Pine Grove are moving the date of the King of the Grove so I can attend.  Without going into all the details of what this is, let me just tell you that there was a conflict I couldn't resolve to be at this annual event that meant so much to Ed.  And they moved it so I could be there.  Pine Grove and his friends there were such an important part of Ed's life and this event was special to Ed.  And now Dan and I can both be there and I am so touched and, yes, so happy that they made this work for me.

Second, my sister-in-law sent me an email regarding a friend of hers who is riding in the Pan-Mass challenge in memory of his wife, who he lost to cancer, and in memory of Larry and Ed.  Again, I am so touched by the thoughtfulness of people and this also made me smile today.

These are just two examples from today.  But throughout the week, there have been small things that have made me smile.  And so I will appreciate these as well:

• The bunnies who continues to come into the yard every morning and evening to greet me.  And they are so comfortable that they stretch out and lounge in the driveway.
• The five (yes, five) hummingbirds who decided to show up at my feeder.  The feeder has been out there for a couple months and just earlier this week I was remembering how Ed, Dan and I would sit outside on the deck, eating dinner or just hanging out and watching the birds and how I missed that.  There was no one to sit on the back deck with and there were no birds.  And it made me miss this special time we shared together.  And then the 5 Hummingbirds show up yesterday.
• Zumba--yes, I'm actually enjoying going to Zumba and I miss it the days I don't go.  I "enjoy" it (and "enjoy" can be considered a "happy" word).  Who would have thought?!

These are just a few things this week.  But I also have to say I appreciate those of you who come to this blog, as boring as it is, and also take the time to "like" my post.  Some days I wonder if there is anyone out there and who am I writing to?  I know at some level I'm writing to myself, for my own mental health, and to keep a record of this journey I'm on.  Because I know someday, the memories will fade but I will have this blog to help me remember.