Puzzled By Emotions

My emotions puzzle me and as hard as I try to adjust my feelings, sometimes it just won't happen.  This weekend was a mix of emotions and the worse part was because of no particular reason.  I can't explain why I feel the way I feel.  Sometimes there may be a trigger; most times there is not.

I feel so overwhelmed by anything that doesn't go right, no matter how small.  The frustration and the tears come easily.  And I feel like such a failure.  Dan tries to tell me these are things that just happen to everyone and they're not such a big deal.  But they are a big deal for me.  And as hard as he tries to fix it for me and make things better, he really can't.  My thoughts are no reasonable.  My logic is not reasonable.  And I know this, but I can't seem to fix it.

And I woke up sad this morning and I try to put my finger on why exactly I feel this way, but I can't.  As I get up and walk through the house, the emptiness of the house is in my heart and it hurts that Ed is not here.  And the reality is that he is gone and won't be here again and somehow I'm expected to keep going and that hurts so bad.  I recount the time since he was last in the house--over 3 months; and the time since he's passed--over 2 months.  And I wonder how I'm supposed to continue on like this for many more months, or even years?

There was no secret that Ed had cancer and as I've said many times before we didn't focus on dying.  But we knew he would die without growing old.  And although I get frustrated that we didn't prepare ourselves better (like him teaching me how to take care of the vehicles or things around the house), I've come to realize that, although there are things that need to be tended to around the house, I was not prepared for the void and sense of emptiness that Ed has left behind.  No matter how prepared we might have been (or not), there was no way to prepare for this feeling.  I knew we weren't growing old together, but I didn't fully understand what that meant.

And every time I see a couple--in the grocery store or even on a TV commercial; or when I see people enjoying life--I miss Ed terribly and my heart breaks and I'm angry that I no longer have that.

So emotions are a mix of disappointment, heartbreak, loneliness and just overwhelming grief.  And I can't explain why today everything seems to hurt more.  But I'm told tears are good and they are cleansing.  So I will let them fall hoping that I can get my emotions under some type of control so that I can function for the day.