Trying to Understand Grief

I know I had said I wasn't going to post daily and I won't always and when I don't, I don't want you to worry.  But I also realize that this blog is my outlet right now and serves as my daily journal as I travel this path I never experienced before and never wish on my worse enemy.

As I sat down to write this morning, the bunny was outside the window eating the clover.  We have never had bunnies hang around the yard this much.  Sure we've seen them in the past here or there, but never every day for an extended period of time.  And they are a welcoming site when I get up in the morning or arrive home at night and so I'm thankful for that.

I went to Zumba again last night after work.  Someone commented that I must like doing it to which I responded "not really".  It's not that I dislike it, but I'm certainly not going because it's a lot of fun and enjoyable.  I struggle to follow the movements but it's exercise and the time passes quickly.  And it's more about trying to achieve this.  Kinda like when I was running with a goal to run a 5K.  I didn't enjoy the running, but it helped keep me healthy and I was working towards a goal.

In my daily meditation book for working through grief, today's entry touched me...

"Real grief is not healed by time ... If time does anything it deepens our grief.  The longer we live, the more fully we become aware of who he was for us, and the more intimately we experience what his love meant to us.  Real, deep love is, as you know, very unobtrusive, seemingly easy and obvious, and so present that we take it for granted. ..."

I can relate to grief deepening because logically you would think things would be getting easier as time passes, but it doesn't.  Grief remains and, yes, it deepens.  I think you just learn to find ways to function with it as time passes.  And I know mine and Ed's love for each other was truly "real, deep love" because it was easy and obvious and, at some level, we did take it for granted.  It was always there...and still is.  Yes, we told each other often that we loved each other and we always, always knew we were there for each other and could count on each other.  I knew, and I know Ed knew, that we both loved each other endlessly.  And that explains why the grief is that much deeper...